tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5536009678462668302024-03-12T18:03:13.109-04:00The Conscious DiabeticStories and inspirations on thriving with diabetesOphir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-74245069675341989412012-04-01T20:57:00.007-04:002012-04-02T07:08:33.766-04:00So long to the blog but not to the writerIt’s time for me to stop writing <a href="http://theconsciousdiabetic.blogspot.com/">The Conscious Diabetic</a>. <br /><br />I’m sure you guessed....Full-time job, infant twins, type 1 diabetes, keeping up with the house....it’s all a bit too much for me. But it’s more than just that.<br /><br />Something changed for me in 2009 even before I started blogging. I had always grappled and struggled with my creative side. I wanted to be an author, an artist, a photographer, an interior and graphic designer, a travel writer, a poet....I wanted it all. But couldn’t quite seem to make any of it actually happen.<br /><br />I dreamt of the different books I would write. There’s one about a fantasy world I’ve imagined with pixies, magical dolphins, and imaginary places. And there’s another, a kids’ book that teaches life lessons with animals and stuff but is really an artist's tool kit. <br /><br />And then there’s THE book. The big idea for a book that I’ve thought about for almost a decade. It’s a love story set in a bomb-shaken Middle East. I kind of think of it as a chick lit version of a New York Times article on Israel and the Arab world.<br /> <br />As time has passed, and I’ve pondered this book more and more, I realized that the goal of the book is to go beyond what people see on the news, make the Middle East relatable. And even more so, underneath the bombs and love story is a story that inspires people to find themselves, to live life more fully, and to find the real love that matters most – self-love.<br /><br />And my ultimate goal for this book is to set off a spark of compassion in a really turbulent part of the world. <br /><br />I thought about the book for almost four years before I could get it started. I was stuck. And then, I read a book that changed my life: <a href="http://www.eckharttolle.com/books/newearth/">A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle</a>. Something sparked in me and after reading it, I signed up for a book writing class and started doing yoga on a regular basis. <br /><br />I started writing my chick lit version of the Middle East that summer. I have 80 pages written.<br /><br />I was on such an artist’s high. I had overcome some fears at last! And that’s when I started thinking about blogging. I wasn’t working on Mondays anymore, and I had a whole day to play. I had no excuses anymore. I had the time. The ideas. And the ability. I was going to be a book writer, a blogger, and maybe even write a few articles here and there. <br /><br />I started blogging The Conscious Diabetic on <a href="http://theconsciousdiabetic.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-me.html">November 2, 2009</a> with a goal in mind. I wanted to become a writer, but not just any kind of writer. I wanted to be a writer with purpose, passion, and compassion. And I wanted lots of readers. <br /><br />I grappled over whether to write about diabetes or not. I didn’t want to complain about living with diabetes. I wanted to be held accountable for taking the challenges of living with diabetes and learning from them on living a better life. A more accepting of what is kind of life. And I have kept true to that with every single entry. <br /><br />I created a routine to get myself in the right frame of mind before writing. Yoga, meditation, and tea. But most importantly, I had to let go of my ego. <br /><br />Time passed. Life’s challenges gave me things to write about. I learned that I have celiac and started living a gluten-free life. It wasn’t easy. I decided to finally get past my fear of pregnancy, and well, now I have 10 month old twins. And there was the whole son with temporary special needs thing. He’s doing great by the way, and we still feel the needs are temporary.<br /><br />And I’ve shared much of it with you. This blog has definitely held me accountable. Not only to write on a regular basis. But also to be an accepting of life as it is kind of person. To reflect. To learn. To keep myself inspired. And I’m honestly not always that person, but the blog reminds me to be. And I am so thankful for that. You have no idea.<br /><br />This blog has seen over 5,300 visitors and 102 entries in the three and a half years I’ve been writing it. This blog has connected me with like-minded friends as well. I know that people are more open and sharing with me because I am more open and sharing with you. This blog has helped me with my career. This blog has helped me become a better writer. And a better person. <br /><br />But there’s been one thing missing, one thing stuck in my mind. I wasn’t writing the Middle East love story. And I must write it. And in the four years that I’ve found myself as a writer, I have found that I don’t have the personal bandwidth to do both. <br /><br />So I must pursue a dream. I’m going to make space in my life to write my dream novel by giving up this blog that has meant so much to me. I may come back, but I can’t promise. I have no plans. I may start a new blog, and I’ll let you know about it when I do. <br /><br />But for now, I hope you will all stay in touch with me. I really value the friendships and connections I have made through this blog. It’s been priceless. Thank you.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-67140861032233009402012-03-19T07:06:00.003-04:002012-03-19T07:17:49.983-04:00Four reiki sessions later...My son and I started going to a <a href="http://wonderfulreikibygail.com/">reiki master</a> in December to help us overcome some health issues. And four sessions later, I'm trying to figure out whether to continue with this positively amazing practice, or whether to try something else. Why? Because although I find reiki to be enormously beneficial - in so many intangible ways - I haven't seen a change in my physical health. <br /><br />I lost range of motion in my right hip after giving birth to my twins in May. Is there a connection? Don't know, but the timing is there. I also developed carpal tunnel in my right hand along with trigger finger in my pinky after they were born, which is common for new moms to experience. <br /><br />As for my son, who was born very small, we had hoped that the reiki would help him with his catch up growth, GI issues (namely severe reflux), and feeding issues. He had a few more issues, and lots of questions, when he started, and since, much has been sorted out. <br /><br />I don't know if it's just coincidence or a matter of time or the reiki clearing the energetic way, but I have found that he has been making slow and steady progress. Answers have been found to perplexing questions, and doctors appointments have become easier to handle.<br /><br />I, on the other hand, have seen no change in my hip, finger, or hand. No answers. And not much time to even deal with it. I have though made some really nice progress with career. I have become more self-assured. I have gotten rid of a lot of negative energy in my life. And when the negativity creeps back in, I get reiki done. And it magically disappears.<br /><br />What is reiki?<br /><br />Reiki is a Japanese technique that helps reduce stress and promote healing, and is based on a theory that a life force energy exists within us all. When this life force is out of balance, whether through too much negative or positive energy, it affects body, mind, and spirit. If our life force is low, we are more likely to be stressed and sick, and if it is high, we are more likely to have energy and be happy. <br /><br />The reiki master I have been seeing, Gail Smith of <a href="http://wonderfulreikibygail.com/">Wonderful Reiki by Gail</a>, would lay her hands above me and my son (at different sessions) and send life force energy throughout our bodies. Gail truly has a gift for reiki healing, and after going through it, I can tell you wholeheartedly - without a doubt in my mind - that there is something to this. <br /><br />I kid you not, I could actually feel the good energy go in, and the bad energy being pulled out of me. After my son's last session, he had this "what just happened" look on his face for about an hour. I'm certain he felt it too.<br /><br />How would I ever find a good job in this economy, in my field, close to home, where I could still take care of my kids when need be, and help support our family?<br /><br />That's not the reason I started going to a reiki master, although it was definitely on my mind. And yet after my first session, a really great job opportunity practically fell in my lap. I didn't even search for it. The job came to me. I am serious. I paid attention to my intuition and perhaps followed through on leads that I wouldn't have in the past. And I had to work hard during the interviewing process. But I was so attuned to the whole process that I felt I just sailed right through. <br /><br />I received a second reiki session before my third interview (three total, plus a two part homework assignment). And I received the job offer on the train ride home. <br /><br />I believe it went so well because I was authentically me during the whole process, and they responded to that with commendation. The reiki unleashed my self-confidence, clearing away negative self-perceptions. And that was what I needed to do well. <br /><br />I received the third session the day before my first day at the new job, and I received the fourth session a week ago. And it's going well. Better than I had imagined actually. <br /><br />Four reiki sessions later, my son is over the hump. He still has reflux and feeding issues. But he's on the growth chart. And he's happy and developing nicely at his own pace. He's on the road to recovery and has made great strides. Without going into details, we have seen his reflux improve, and as it gets better and better, the feeding will too.<br /><br />So why stop reiki at four sessions? If it's so life changing? Not sure. Not sure I will stop. Time will tell. <br /><br />What I do know for sure is that we do have a life force energy within us, and it's our responsibility to be attentive to it. Reiki has also reinforced my belief in living a balanced body, mind, and spirit approach to life. Reiki would say that we need to get over the mental hump before we can heal our physical ailments. <br /><br />I've decided not to plan my reiki practice. I'm going to wait and see what happens.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-2779235417248131242012-03-06T07:02:00.003-05:002012-03-06T07:16:14.091-05:00Confessions not to worry aboutI feel bad that I'm writing and posting this blog a day late.<br /><br />I am constantly fretting over how much there is to do - 9 month old twins, one with temporary special needs, a new full time job, the house, the diabetes...And I'm fretting about how much isn't getting done.<br /><br />I worry about my son's health. How long will this last? Will we ever figure out what's going on with him? <br /><br />And then I worry that I'm not showing him enough fun attention and that I'm not showing Aria, my daughter, enough attention.<br /><br />I worry about my health. I have let some things go. I still check my blood sugars, and I still bolus insulin with my pump before meals and to correct high sugars. And I still exercise four to five times a week. But I haven't made a few doctors appointments. I've been procrastinating. And I haven't done some basal testing that is long overdue. And I have been eating lots of junk food and drinking Diet Coke again, which I had given up two years ago. My eyesight has gotten fuzzy (which may be allergies). And I haven't been attending to my hip and hands. <br /><br />I worry about money. But I'm not going to get into that here. <br /><br />I definitely worry that I'm doing things wrong. Not good enough syndrome. But I guess you surmised that after reading the above.<br /><br />And then I worry that I worry so much....<br /><br />And all of this worrying has eaten up a lot of time. And it's kept me from enjoying life more. And it probably is the biggest part of the problem. Because I bet you that everything in my life is just fine. Actually everything is great. <br /><br />So why worry? I'm not sure why. <br /><br />I was fretting over what to write about yesterday, surfing the web looking for answers, and I found Martha Beck's March 2012 column in <span style="font-style:italic;">Oprah</span> magazine on <a href="http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stop-Worrying-Advice-for-Worrywarts/1">10 Things You Can Officially Stop Worrying About</a>. The article spoke to me loud and clear. My favorite line when she spoke about how you can stop worrying about your children: "Worry teaches worry" and "People blossom when you bring love to them." <br /><br />The same is true for us. Worry creates more worrisome energy. But feelings of love, abundance, and gratitude bring more love, abundance, and gratitude. <br /><br />I have seen this materialize in my own life time and time again. Next time I start to worry, I'm going to do my best to remember the simple lesson of love. <br /><br />Bring love to everything you do, and the worry goes away....Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-71363996197141853692012-02-20T09:11:00.002-05:002012-02-20T09:12:42.402-05:00How to deal with those really challenging momentsIt's 4:50 am, and my son is spitting up bloody mucus. All over the crib, himself, and probably on me too. He's crying hysterically, turning bright red, gagging, and clearly in lots of pain. He stares at me, tears rolling down his face, with that look of, "Please save me," but I have to grab cloths and a decompression tube to clean out his tummy from all the toxins in his body. That's what helps him feel better the fastest. <br /><br />And I'm tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Especially because I myself was up vomiting the night before and had a fever all night long. One of those stomach flus that's been going around. On top of all this, I also started a new job two weeks ago. So I've been going through the typical mommy guilt and anxiety around leaving my kids in someone else's care. All day long. With not much of an idea of what's going on, and not much time in the day to check in. <br /><br />And trying to keep up with it all. Making sure the kids are doing well. Making sure I'm doing well. Making sure work is going well. Making sure the house doesn't fall apart in the meantime. Oh yeah, and I'm married too, by the way. Fun, you ask, rest? Ha! What's that? The blog - once every two weeks - my therapy.<br /><br />And I'm trying so hard to focus on helping my son at now 4:55 am. And I'm wondering, well, actually, I'm crying, "How are we going to get through this?" <br /><br />And then I look behind me to see how Aria is doing. And she is staring at Ethan and me through her crib as she usually does when he has a bad episode, pacifier in mouth, and smiles from ear to ear when she sees me looking at her. I smile and give the moment a motherly, "shhh, go back to sleep, sweetie". And then I look back at Ethan, and he's kicking and smiling. <br /><br />All better. The moment has passed. Time for me to clean up and try to get a few more minutes of sleep before getting up to get ready for work. I crawl back into bed - not really sleeping - until the alarm goes off. <br /><br />I decide to e-mail my friend, a very spiritual and insightful person, in the early AM, and after a recap, I ask her: "How am I supposed to not go crazy from all of this?"<br /><br />She must have written her reply while I was getting my breakfast together, "I think this is a lesson in stripping ego. Approach each moment with love."<br /><br />I sit down with my yogurt and fruit. I also sprinkle in some flax seed and gluten-free granola. And I'm thinking, "How am I supposed to approach a 4:50 am nasty vomit session with love?" <br /><br />So I respond to my friend, truly seeking her perpetual wisdom, and she says, "Honestly, I have to be authentic with you. I have no idea. I'd be annoyed."<br /><br />Our situation has even stumped my friend who is one step away from enlightenment, and I go about my morning routine feeling miserable. Finish breakfast, brush my teeth, and go up to get the kids ready for the day. <br /><br />And yes, I'll admit: I'm grunting, and I'm complaining - on the inside - about everything. <br /><br />And then I see my kids. And yes, I'm sure you already predicted: They're smiling. Playing in their cribs. Happy to see me. And I can't help it. I just can't help it. Despite my misery, I smile back. And yes, actually, start singing songs. And chatting with them about whatever it is I chat with them about. Usually I give a running commentary on what we're doing. But sometimes I talk about how the cow goes "moo" and the train goes "choo choo", which is my son's personal favorite. And sometimes I sing sappy tunes for Aria, because they make her eyes sparkle. <br /><br />I take them downstairs and start their breakfast until our nanny (who is great, by the way) shows up. And I'm sure you are thinking: I'm not going to feel bad for a person with a nanny. And I'm not asking you to. We need her. And where there's a will, there's a way.<br /><br />Our nanny, a deeply spiritual and religious woman, rings the bell and after taking one look at me, asks if I can take the day off to rest. I can't. New job and all, I tell her. <br /><br />And then she tells me that she's going to pray for us. She is going to pray for me. She is even going to have Aria bless me. <br /><br />And then she says, "Do you want to know what makes me so successful at what I do? Why I have such a gift with kids?" <br /><br />I'm listening.<br /><br />"I approach each moment with love." There she said it. Exactly the same message my friend told me an hour or two before. <br /><br />My heart got so warm and full of love in that moment. Is a message being sent to me from a Greater source? Could be. I know so. The coincidence was too real, too soon, too exact, and felt too good to hear - to not think it was a special message sent to us from Above.<br /><br />The message: Even those seriously crappy moments, that seem to have no redeeming quality at all, can be approached with love. Must be approached with love. Are to be approached with love. Not sure why. Not sure how. And not so sure I'm supposed to be able to analyze it. Cause that's just what it is. And I knew I had to share it.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-28148546987516183352012-02-05T18:28:00.005-05:002012-02-06T07:00:46.940-05:00Genetics and accepting what is and what we don't know yetWhen Ethan was born prematurely, and actually stopped growing when I was 26 weeks pregnant, the doctors at the NICU (newborn intensive care unit) thought that it was quite possible that <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002194/">diabetes</a> is not what caused my son to stop growing in utero - but maybe, just maybe, he has a genetic disorder.<br /><br />And the saga began...and still continues...of searching for a possible genetic link to my son's issues with eating and slower than expected growth. <br /><br />A geneticist was given our case at the NICU, early on when Ethan was still struggling to stay alive. And to be totally honest, I was so focused on other things, like my son's survival and him coming home and also taking care of my daughter who was newly born and adjusting to being a new mom, that I didn't pay much attention to the geneticist. <br /><br />And to be honest, I didn't want to. <br /><br />She examined him. Her perceptions: He's small. Uh yeah, thanks. We know that. And she decided to run some tests. The results came back with weird results that left the doctors scratching their heads. <br /><br />And that's when the excruciatingly, long story of my son's possible genetic disorder began. And that's also when we were made aware of what she was suspecting.<br /><br />They thought he may have some form of <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002159/">dwarfism</a>.<br /><br />We were shocked. We do have genetic diseases that run in our family - diabetes being the first that comes to mind and <a href="http://www.celiac.com/">celiac</a> being the second. My husband's family has a ton of <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001321/">lactose intolerance</a> and milk allergies. But I've never known anyone in either of our families to have dwarfism. <br /><br />My intuition told me - and everyone in my world - that they were totally off on their genetic research quest. And forgetting a mother's intuition for a moment, we were actually told - by a number of other doctors and specialists - that the tests that were run aren't real. Why? Science hasn't thought to measure a "normal" range for growth hormone in babies - let alone premature babies - or other related tests (like IGF-1). So if they're not real, then why run them? Because that's what doctors do and many times, it helps. In our case though, it just left everyone stumped. The reason: Ethan's growth hormone was considered high, not low like in the majority of dwarfism cases, and he was small. <br /><br />I felt and still feel that the lab results were off because he was born so small and fighting hard to survive. So his chemistry was a bit out of whack. I'm not a doctor, nor are my theories scientific or published in journals, but it's just a feeling I had. The other prevailing theory for his GI issues and slower than expected growth - and which totally makes complete sense to me - is that because he was born small, his digestive system was also very small when he was born. He developed really bad <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001311/">reflux</a>. And reflux is KNOWN for being linked to feeding issues. Take the pain of reflux coupled with his premature size, and boom - <a href="http://www.chop.edu/service/pediatric-feeding-and-swallowing-center/causes-of-feeding-problems-and-children-treated-at-chop.html">feeding issues</a>. <br /><br />And for all of you diabetics out there considering pregnancy: I think he was also born small, and stopped growing in utero at 26 weeks, because I have had Type 1 diabetes for over 35 years, and my body just couldn't handle twins, pregnancy, and all that was involved. I had a tough first trimester, a great second, and a shortened and difficult third. But please, knowing what I know and being what I've been through, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have two beautiful babies that I love with all my heart. All children, and people, are handed a set of challenges in life - whether they are born to diabetics or not, premature or not - and the best we can do is face them, accept what life hands us, and learn.<br /><br />Going back to Ethan and the story of genetics: I spoke with many specialists, cried to my close family and a few friends, read up on the internet, and paced the halls of our home at 3 am for months. The pain of not knowing, the fear of what may or may not be, was overwhelming to me. I was worried. I was soul searching. And I was praying for the best outcome possible.<br /><br />I was crying to my husband, who so eloquently said: "Whether he has a genetic disorder or not, he is still the same Ethan."<br /><br />He was right. Ethan, no matter what, is still the same lovable boy. And that's when it hit me. His words had helped me come to a place of acceptance. <br /><br />I had made a pledge, set an intention, when I was pregnant that I would support both of our children's individual journeys. That I would be there for them and be present with them and who they are, listen to them, smile with them, and teach them to be grateful every day.<br /><br />Ethan was re-tested and measured and x-rayed and scanned. And all of those wacky tests that made no sense to me the first time, when I was in a place of resistance, came back negative. <br /><br />The geneticist wanted to do her due diligence though. She was convinced that something was wrong, that Ethan has a genetic disorder, and she was scared that if there is something, that she might not find it. She wanted to run more tests, an in depth look at his entire genetic make-up. The test - called a Chromosome Micro-array - costs around $100,000, and is performed RARELY. <br /><br />That test also came back with inconclusive results. Nothing was missing, and there was nothing extra. A few homozygous chains, which every human being on the planet has. (What are Homozygous chromosomes? It's when you have identical pairs of genes for any given pair of hereditary characteristics. For example, if you had a double dose of brown hair in your DNA.) <br /><br />Guess what? That is what makes us unique and different. No one has a perfect genetic make-up. <br /><br />She is still searching, and wants us to run more tests. In the meanwhile, we've decided to see another geneticist for a second opinion. We are going to run the tests, mainly because I'm a mom and if there is something to be found, I want to be sure we know about it. So that we can manage it. <br /><br />My gut still tells me that he was simply born small, and as he grows, the reflux, feeding issues, and all that is related to that, will work itself out. BUT, you never know. And as parents, we want to be sure to give our child the best we can. We want to support him and Aria through whatever they need.<br /><br />And what Ethan has given me, through this whole experience, is a real lesson in acceptance - even when you don't know what you are accepting. I don't know if I'm accepting a genetic disorder or not. What I do know is that resisting it won't help him, me, or anyone else. <br /><br />Life coach and <span style="font-style:italic;">Oprah</span> magazine columnist Martha Beck wrote a great article once that has stayed with me, <a href="http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Get-a-New-Leash-on-Life_1">A New Leash on Life</a>. She was pregnant with her second child when late in the pregnancy, an amniocentesis showed that her son has Down's syndrome. <br /><br />Beck had the difficult decision of whether to abort or not. And after much soul searching, she felt strongly that she wanted to continue with the pregnancy despite many people telling her not to. Telling her what a difficult task it is to raise a child with special needs.<br /><br />And he wound up being the greatest gift. <br /><br />She spoke of all the lessons she learned, that I am learning as well, about not being a victim of your thoughts. I do tend to conjure up images and stories that are usually based on fear of what may or may not be. And we really don't know what will be. So the best thing we can do is accept what is, and get out of our heads.<br /><br />Martha Beck learned lessons that opened up her world. She credits her success, abundance, and love of life to the lessons she learned from raising her son with Down's Syndrome. <br /><br />I feel the same way. I have changed as a person so much since this experience began, and I bet there's more in store. I have learned to savor special moments and to stay in the moment during challenging times. I have listened and trusted my intuition more than I ever have in my life, and I actually feel much more self-confident. And I am also finding myself - just as Martha Beck did - becoming more successful, more abundant, and loving life more and more. I have everything I could ever want and need, and I KNOW that it's from the lessons I've learned through this whole experience. I have Ethan and Aria to thank for opening up my world to so much. <br /><br />Hey there, geneticists, what you got for me now?Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-8666086092605896672012-01-23T10:46:00.002-05:002012-01-23T11:05:46.731-05:00Healthy sleep, healthy body, happy family, happy momBoy did we have a rough night last night. We're not sure if Aria is teething, had painful gas, or all of the above. My husband and I spent an hour and a half trying to calm her, then of course we had to calm her brother because she woke him up (and probably the whole neighborhood), and then each other so that we could get back to sleep. <br /><br />She survived. And after a night of being awakened four or five more times (who knows how many really), I woke up exhausted. And in physical pain, once again. <br /><br />This may sound like hell, and it kind of is. But the good news is that Aria really is typically a great sleeper. That's how we know that the crazy waking up must be something like teething. And it also gives me a chance to re-visit the importance of sleep for a healthy body - and for a happy me.<br /><br />This is not new news from the mom of the infant twins world. I don't think I'm saying anything new when I tell you that sleep is important to your health; it's a chance for your body to restore physically, emotionally, and mentally. <br /><br />All that saying, I have to write about this topic. Because I'm just so tired and that's what's on my mind. And because I feel a real difference in my health when I sleep and when I don't sleep. <br /><br />Here's a brief example: I woke up two days ago with pain in my left hip. Mind you, that's the hip that has healed. I took a nap at around 4 pm. I woke up, and the pain went away! <br /><br />I desperately wrote our pediatrician an e-mail asking for advice a few months back when the kids were waking up every two hours. I knew I wouldn't make it if we kept going like this. <br /><br />What I didn't know it at the time, and now do, is that I was taking on a new family project: Get us all to sleep well. She recommended that I read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023">"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth</a>, which I call 'the sleepy book' for short.<br /><br />The sleepy book tells us tired, exhausted parents all the reasons why lack of sleep is so detrimental to the health of infants AND adults. Sleep is important for mental alertness, and lack of sleep has been shown to cause fussiness, excited-ness, and an upset baby. It has been linked to attention deficit disorder in older children. <br /><br />And an Australian sleep study done on adults shows that lack of sleep causes an increase in <a href="http://www.cortisol.com/">cortisol</a> – the body’s stress hormone. Cortisol is a hormone that we diabetics are familiar with as it has also been linked to rising morning blood sugars (known as <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dawn-effect/AN01213">dawn phenomenon</a>) and weight gain. Please check diabetes.org for more information or the links provided in this paragraph.<br /><br />The sleepy book recommends creating an environment for healthy sleep, which includes: a regular sleep schedule, sleep consolidation - meaning lots of it undisturbed, naps (for children), and sleep duration night and day. His strategies work unless a baby is teething, sick, just received immunizations, or is hungry. <br /><br />So first there's the schedule: We did this by logging when our kids' natural sleepy times and feedings are and then building a schedule around them. And then sticking to it. The schedule is key. We treat naps as sacred, and we don't keep them awake to play with visitors. Ever.<br /><br />Undisturbed sleep is also important. Never wake a sleeping baby. Of course this is hard when you are also sticking to a schedule - with twins - but it somehow works itself out on most days. We do wake them up if we need to - mostly because of their feeding schedule, and the sleeping schedule falls into place around it naturally.<br /><br />Longer night and day sleep results from putting kids to bed when they first appear drowsy. Not stretching them. So when we see Aria starting to slow down or Ethan staring into space, we know it's time for bed. If they're yawning, rubbing their eyes, or getting fussy, it means they're already overtired. <br /><br />This works for us most of the time. The sleepy book does say that babies start to sleep through the night at around nine months after their due date. So we have some time to go. And I'll tell you, it's not an easy journey. And as everyone told me when this whole thing started, it does get better. <br /><br />One thing I can say is that I have never been so aware of sleep before. I used to just do it. Now I pray for it and appreciate it when it does happen. I do believe that once the sleeping gets back on track that I'll feel better physically. Healthier and happier. We all need healthy sleep so that we can be healthy and happy. And I hope I will never take sleep for granted ever again...<br /><br />P.S. I wrote this blog yesterday, Sunday morning, and last night both babies slept the whole night!!! And I slept for nine and a half undisturbed hours!!! I feel better already. My hands feel much better, and my hips do too. <br /><br />P.P.S. I cannot possibly relay the wealth of information found in the sleepy book. Check out the sleepy book for all of the tips and tricks!Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-37857947850930113882012-01-09T15:14:00.005-05:002012-01-09T15:35:41.103-05:00Healing messages: A break from the stressMy body has been breaking down since having our two amazing kids, who are going to be eight months old in two days. And I have been trying to figure out what’s going on and how to heal and mend my aching body. <br /><br />Let me start by telling you what’s wrong: I’m pretty sure I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand, trigger finger in my right pinky, and loss of range of motion in my right hip. <br /><br />I am not the type of person who gets a headache and just takes an aspirin. I see a headache as a symptom of something deeper – emotionally and spiritually. It’s the body’s way of shouting out a message for spiritual and emotional healing. And if you don’t listen, the body continues to break down until you finally listen and do something about it.<br /><br />Because I know that our bodies speak to us and enlighten us to a deeper understanding of our true selves, I started my quest for healing alternative style. I did make an appointment with a rheumatologist because I want to be thorough and do whatever I can to help my body heal, but I’m also going gung-ho on the alternative approach as well, as I am certain that my body is trying to tell me something.<br /><br />I started by asking the Universe (or God, whatever you call it): How can I heal my right hip?<br /><br />And my intuition told me very clearly that yoga and meditation would help. I also heard reiki, and did start seeing a reiki master. It’s an AMAZING experience, which I’ll save for its own blog post once I’ve come to some clarity on what to say. <br /><br />On yoga and meditation: I returned to my yoga practice as soon as I could after my c-section, and I have been doing a lot of hip opener sequences. I have been meditating as well, listening to the different areas of my body – especially during yoga – and also visualizing myself, with the flexibility of a yogi, doing lotus poses with ease.<br /><br />I also saw myself having a conversation with my son Ethan while meditating. Ethan was born very small and in the NICU for three and a half months. We went on a really scary and rough road with him. But he’s doing really, really well. I had to process everything that had happened, and I apologized to him during the meditation. I felt guilty for what he went through, since I feel responsible for it. I also purposefully re-lived some of the trauma of the pregnancy, birth, and aftermath. I would love to be able to find the words to describe to you how important it was to meditate on the experience, and I am going to continue until I feel at complete peace with everything that happened. But I can tell you that today, I feel so much stronger and calmer than I ever have in my life.<br /><br />My intuition told me very clearly that my right hip was storing a lot of stress and mind chatter around the whole experience of what happened with my son. And looking back on it, actually, my right hip lost its flexibility a few weeks after the c-section. So my intuition made a lot of sense. <br /><br />I came to another realization a week ago: All of the aches and pains are on the right side of my body. It seems so obvious now, but it took me a while to figure that out. There’s meaning behind that.<br /><br />Looking at it from a Western medicine perspective, the right side of the body is controlled by the left brain. It’s the side that controls language, rational and logical thought, the side that categorizes things, and writes to-do lists. From a Chinese medicine perspective, it’s the masculine side – the more aggressive side; while the left side of the body is the feminine – the passive side. The right brain is creative, abstract, and emotional and controls the left side of the body. And whenever those two sides of our inner selves are out of balance – the body gets out of balance as well.<br /><br />My spiritual diagnosis is clear:<br /><br />1) I still haven’t fully come to terms with what happened with Ethan. And I’m not afraid to say it out loud to all of you. I haven’t let it all go yet, although I thought I had. <br /><br />2) On top of that, I’ve been in “doing” overload since the babies were born. No more resting on Saturday and Sunday mornings. I wake up early and change diapers and feed babies – happily, mind you, but it’s tiring. The stress of not sleeping. The stress of not having time to unwind, be more creative, meditate more consistently. I’m stuck in what seems to be an endless stream of to-do lists. I am doing too much. Not resting enough. And quite frankly, it’s really hard to find time to rest when you’re juggling taking care of twins (one of whom has some temporary special needs), keeping up with the house, going to doctors’ appointments with two other little people to think about, and managing my diabetes and health. Oh yeah, that. <br /><br />My body is screaming that I need a break, a chance to rest and restore. And also a chance to process and let go of everything that happened.<br /><br />So I put it out there: How is a mom of twins with diabetes supposed to find the time to rest and restore AND take care of things at the same time? How are we all supposed to find the balance between doing and getting things done AND taking care of our health and wellness? <br /><br />Here’s what I heard: Let go of the mind chatter and go with the flow. And savor the moments when you do have peace and calm. The more you savor them, the more you create the energy of peace and calm in your life.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-16191313282787999082011-12-26T18:59:00.004-05:002011-12-26T20:26:55.470-05:00Happy holidaysHello there everyone,<br /><br />Sorry folks. I didn't have a chance to write a blog post this week. <br /><br />Please enjoy some holiday music in a lame attempt to make up for it. Check out Blossom (currently on The Big Bang Theory) and President Obama in the Maccabeats' rendition of Matisyahu's song <em>Miracle</em>. <br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oHwyTxxQHmQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />OphirOphir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-19581944785300330102011-12-12T18:00:00.009-05:002011-12-12T18:26:56.422-05:00505 and the calmness of a deep blue lake<em>I have not forgotten about this blog! That I promise you. I truly enjoy writing, and I love the conversations that this blog generates with all of you. I am finding it challenging though to write every week and take care of Ethan and Aria, who are all but seven months old. So, I have decided to start blogging every other week rather than weekly, with posts still on Mondays. Enjoy! - Ophir</em><br /><br /><strong>505 and the calmness of a deep blue lake</strong><br /><br />I didn’t write last Monday for one simple reason: My blood sugar went all the way up to 505. It was scary. Not only because I care about my health and my diabetes, but also because I have the babies to think about. And high sugars like that could land me in the emergency room if not treated immediately.<br /><br />Numbers like those happen to me very rarely, but I have my "Back to Normal BGs" strategy down to a science. The kids were napping, and so I changed my pump site immediately. The culprit was clear: A faulty infusion set. The canula was bent. I injected a correction bolus with a syringe and even threw away the old vial of insulin just in case. I changed infusion sites, also just in case. <br /><br />And then I freaked. Usually I lay on the couch and rest drinking diet ginger ale while I wait for my sugars to go back to normal. The last time this happened was 2008, and so I didn’t have ginger ale lying around the house. And I also had no chance of resting on the couch for more than 15 minutes.<br /><br />And in the midst of all of my panic on what to do and how to find help, I also thought about this blog. And how another week would go by without a posting. Without me writing about, ironically enough, living with diabetes consciously, in a balanced, healthy way. <br /><br />I had been debating that morning about a blog topic. I knew I wanted to write about a Buddhist meditation on the deep blue lake and was looking for my own real life example. The gist of the meditation: Wind, rain, storm, or sun, the depths of a lake are still, unwavering, and serene despite what is happening on the surface. According to Buddhism, that stillness - deep inside - is a metaphor for your spirit. <br /><br />I was trying to think of my own story to tie into the meditation when I went to check my sugar. And boom, there it was 505. At the time, I didn’t see it as a writing opportunity. I was not calm and serene like a deep blue lake. I was crying. I was crying that I couldn’t think of who to call for help that lived close by. And I was ready to move next door to my parents like in Everybody Loves Raymond. Or, to Allentown, PA (which is really not my style and yes, it's very far away from us) to be near where my husband works.<br /><br />But rather than pack my bags, I did have enough wits about me to call my husband and a friend of mine to brainstorm a solution. I wound up calling a friend who left work to help me. She brought me two cases of diet ginger ale. I don’t know why. But it helps me. And I called my neighbor who came over within seconds to help me with the kids. She and I sat for a few hours and had a lovely conversation, and she told me to always feel free to pick up the phone and call her. The kids had a great time with her. And she even brought over some music CDs for the kids to play along to. My sugar dropped back to normal within a few hours. And everything wound up being more than okay. <br /><br />By the end of the day, I realized that I had my real life example for this blog. It was clearly not an example of how to implement the meditation effectively. But rather, an example of a time when it could have helped. I had allowed the stuff on the surface get the better of me when things were rough. Rather than tap into the stillness of the lake for a bit of calm despite the craziness. <br /><br />You see, the stuff on the surface changes all the time. One minute, the weather might be rainy and the next sunny without a cloud in the sky. But the depths of the lake always remain the same. Just like our inner spirits. We should all tap into that stillness when things on the surface get rough. It helps the stuff on the outside go much smoother, much easier, because it comes from a place of peace and acceptance.<br /><br />I’ll see you all again in two weeks.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-23922237324460747082011-11-28T15:03:00.003-05:002011-11-28T15:06:07.570-05:00Busy with mommy-hoodHey there everyone, <br /><br />I will have to take a break from blogging this week as I have my hands full today (ummm, maybe that's every day). Please check back next week.<br /><br />Hope you had a good Thanksgiving,<br />OphirOphir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-1940006772257553262011-11-21T19:38:00.007-05:002011-11-21T19:53:32.228-05:00Turning perfectionism into optimalismI’ve always been a bit of an idealist and a dreamer, and now my daughter is teaching me that what I thought was dreamy and romantic has always been perfectionism in disguise. <br /><br />My perfectionism permeates every part of my life. And when it comes to health and living with diabetes, I have grand expectations of myself. I will go to great lengths to cure my body, live in perfect health, and have amazing blood sugars. But then, I get completely frustrated after pricking my finger and seeing a high or low sugar. I think about how I exercised and ate just right, counted my carbs and yet my sugars don’t always hit the perfect mark. And then whatever joy I had in what I was doing or whomever I was with at the time disappears and turns to stress and anxiety. And well, unhappiness.<br /><br />I didn’t really think that I was such a big-time perfectionist though until I was watching my baby daughter Aria play, and I saw some of my own traits in her. That’s when the light bulb went off.<br /><br />I was trying to figure out her frustrations. Babies nowadays are given tummy time since they sleep on their backs all night. And they sleep for something like sixteen hours a day. That’s a lot of time on your back! Time on their tummies is precious as it helps them learn a bunch of things like crawling and rolling over. Sounds nice huh? Yeah, well, because they spend much of their time on the backs, they don’t really like being on their tummies. And boy do they complain about it. <br /><br />Aria has slowly gotten used to being on her tummy as she’s gotten stronger. And she has been rolling from her back to her tummy for over a month now. But after a few minutes on her tummy, she gets very frustrated and starts to scream. I figured she just didn’t like it, and so I showed her how to roll back. But then she’d roll back to her tummy again five seconds later. An automatic reflex? Probably. Babies tend to try to do things until they’ve mastered it. But then my husband noticed that she would make motions with her hands on the floor, kick her legs, and that she was staring straight ahead as though on a quest to get somewhere else. My husband realized immediately that she was trying to crawl. <br /><br />I was amazed that she was even trying to crawl because she’s only six and a half months old. Actually she’s five and a half months old if you calculate her corrected age (which you do when a baby is born premature). And crawling is a nine-month old baby milestone. And then I realized – she was trying really hard to do something unrealistic for her age. It could very well be normal baby behavior, although my son doesn’t act that way. Each baby does develop differently. But what gets me is how frustrated she gets that she can’t do it yet. Where did she learn that from? Of course I first assumed that she had learned it from my husband. But then I realized: Had she learned to be a perfectionist like me? <br /><br />I wasn’t searching for an answer when I found it. I was randomly reading a selection entitled “Perfectionism and Optimalism” from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Even-Happier-Gratitude-Journal-Fulfillment/dp/0071638032"><em>Even Happier</em></a> by Tal Ben-Shahar, positive psychologist and the teacher of the most popular course at Harvard.<br /><br />“The key difference,” between the perfectionist and optimalist, Ben-Shahar writes, is that “the former essentially rejects reality while the latter accepts it.” He says that the perfectionist expects “her path toward any goal – and indeed, her entire journey through life-to be direct, smooth, and free of obstacles.” And when things don’t turn out as a perfectionist had planned, she is extremely frustrated and has difficulty coping. And that could describe my daughter’s bout with trying to crawl at five and a half months of age – and my, well, entire approach to life - to a tee. <br /><br />An even happier way to approach life is as an optimalist – a person who accepts obstacles as a natural part of life’s journey. “She understands that failure to get the job she wanted or getting into a fight with her spouse is part and parcel of a full and fulfilling life; she learns what she can from these experiences and emerges stronger and more resilient.” <br /><br />Ben-Shahar tells us that perfectionists pay a high emotional price. Their rejection of failure leads to anxiety. They tend to set unrealistic standards for success. And because they never meet these standards, they “are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.”<br /><br />Optimalists on the other hand derive great emotional benefit, according to Ben-Shahar, and are able to lead rich and very fulfilling lives by accepting that failure is natural. “They experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities.” They set goals they can actually attain because they are aware of their limitations. <br /><br />I would like to learn to be more like an optimalist. Not only for my daughter’s sake, but for mine as well. Ben-Shahar suggests a mindful approach to turning perfectionism into optimalism, such as journaling on areas where you are a perfectionist and areas where you tend to be more like an optimalist. <br /><br />I can say that I’m a perfectionist when it comes to art and design, and I am an optimalist when I write. Which may be why I write, but don’t paint or draw even though I want to. I can’t help but wonder: What would I be doing if perfectionism – or fear of failure – wasn’t holding me back? <br /><br />I heard myself saying to Aria the other day, “You can do it. Keep practicing. Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Perhaps I should take the words I use to encourage my daughter – for myself.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-88120250426073537382011-11-14T18:22:00.006-05:002011-11-14T18:36:39.643-05:00Fall detox gone....bad?I have been looking for ways to clear the inflammation and pain in my right hip (I lost range of motion after a c-section in May), and I got my inspiration to try an <a href="http://falldetox.yogajournal.com/">Ayurvedic fall detox</a> from wellness coach and stage 4 breast cancer survivor <a href="http://crazysexylife.com/about/">Kris Carr</a> last week while reading the October edition of <em>Yoga Journal</em>.<br /><br />“Inflammation is stress that comes from what you’re eating, drinking, and thinking, and it’s a root cause of chronic disease.” She promotes plant-based diets in her interview to balance your body’s pH, while decreasing acidic foods like animal products, processed sugars, and starches. “But it’s not just what we’re eating that affects our health; it’s also what’s eating us – how well we sleep, sweat, and love, and whether or not we’re committing to our Down Dogs.”<br /><br />I grappled. I couldn’t see myself adopting a plant-based, vegan diet as a lifestyle. I like steak, yogurt, cakes, and cookies. Oh yeah, she also says to ditch the dairy (animal product). I have no problem with doing yoga, meditating, or loving. I never had a problem with sleep until I got pregnant, but I’m sure I can get that back again once the kids sleep through the night without a peep – hopefully that’ll be some time soon. But no animal products or starches? Yikes. <br /><br />I thought I’d do a detox instead since it might bring me the peace and balance that I am looking for, and hopefully reduce the inflammation in my hip. But it’s not a permanent life change, although could inspire some changes.<br /><br />The <a href="http://falldetox.yogajournal.com/">Ayurvedic fall detox</a>, also found in the October edition, has a few steps: 1. Slowing down – purposefully; 2. The Detox diet; 3. Cleansing daily yoga; 4. Self-study/reflection. <br /><br />I didn’t have any appointments scheduled last week, and so I thought it was the perfect time to give it a go. The diet consists of ginger tea, carrot-ginger soup, beans, and a dish called <a href="http://falldetox.yogajournal.com/recipe">Kitchari</a>, made of rice and mung beans made throughout Asia to purify the body. I asked my husband, a great cook, to make enough for four days, and I bought organic brands of the rest. <em>Yoga Journal </em>provides <a href="http://falldetox.yogajournal.com/detox/week/1">daily yoga videos on-line</a>, and I scheduled a babysitter so that I could sit for an hour on Wednesday and meditate in nature and journal on finding peace and balance.<br /><br />Determined to find “the answer” to everything that is challenging me these days, I set out on the detox religiously. I ate the kitchari twice a day as advised and drank unsweetened ginger tea and did the yoga videos. At first I didn’t notice any difference, but by the end of the first day, I noticed that my day flowed so easily. I was, dare I say, happy. I felt less encumbered by silly mind ramblings and rants. The kids were happier too. They were eating well, sleeping hard, and playing happily. I was writing better and finding time to do everything I had in mind for the day without stressing about it. I began to organize things around the house and even cleaned a bit. By the second day, I set out to conquer a fear of mine. This may sound silly, but I took my six month old twins out all on my own to run some errands despite some really, really bad experiences doing so in the past. <br /><br />By the third day, I was more focused on how hungry I was than on peace and a flexible hip. And the kitchari, well to be polite, is not my taste. Okay, let’s just be blunt: It’s really nasty and bland. I added salt. Not very mindfully detox of me. But I added salt, and it still tasted nasty and bland. I reflected by the river that morning, and got the answers I was looking for. I felt like I had done what I needed to do. And so by the end of day three, I made myself eggs and toast for dinner. By day four, I had re-introduced yogurt and had salmon for dinner. By day five, I was eating meat again and didn’t even do yoga that morning. By day six, my hip was bothering me again. I even had a bad episode over the weekend and started complaining again about stress.<br /><br />How did my fall detox go...bad? Well, you could just say that the kitchari was nasty and I was hungry. But I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that. Perhaps a bit of self-sabotage? What would I do with my life...what would I think about....if I was actually happy, at peace, and balanced? Bottom line: I bolted. And there's always a reason, a lesson, when we self-sabotage. When we reach for a cookie when we're on a diet, or when we don't finish a project we know will be good for us and others. <br /><br />So what’s a girl to do? Accept that life is not all roses. Challenges are a part of life. And to be mindful that sometimes we stray. And learn the lesson.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-37824781926398708762011-11-07T15:15:00.014-05:002011-11-07T16:52:08.521-05:00Keeping up with the milestonesDoes your baby roll over yet? Sleep through the night? Eat solids? How much does your kid weigh? How much tummy time do you give your baby? <br /><br />I have been thinking a lot about weight gain and milestones lately. Mainly because just about every pediatric doctor, specialist, and physical therapist that I have encountered has made a point of me thinking about it. And, to be totally honest, because a few friends of mine have given birth to healthy babies, full term ones, around the same time that Ethan and Aria were born. And so I’ve been stressing about catching up my kids to the other full-term babies. On top of that, the doctors give me homework to do with my almost six month old kids and instructions and follow-up appointments. And not to divulge too much, but we see quite a number of doctors and physical therapists as a result of Ethan’s pre-maturity and being born very small. <br /><br />So now I’m constantly tracking their corrected age in relation to their developmental stages, and then calculating it in relation to their chronological age. And plotting their weights on growth charts. And waiting for a doctor not to say, “We need to catch him up.” But rather, “He’s exactly where he should be.” Let alone, "Wow, your child is a genius. You better start saving for Harvard now!"<br /><br />I do not take E’s and A’s development lightly. At all. I appreciate modern medicine – A LOT. And I appreciate the experience that our children’s healthcare team bring to the table. But won’t my children learn to sit even if I don’t buy some special sitter? Does it really matter if they roll over at seven months instead of at six months? <br /><br />We’re in this constant state of playing catch up that I eagerly want to resolve itself. I'm sick of the doctors, as helpful and supportive as they are. I'm sick of the pressure, the worry, the stress. I'm sick of fretting before each appointment over what they will say and have me do this time. <br /><br />I'd much rather prefer allowing the journey to unfold naturally, going with the flow, but it’s really hard to do when you have a slew of people checking in with you on your child’s development a few times a week. <br /><br />Here's the lesson I'm grappling with: I am learning to accept the journey - all of it. <br /><br />Acceptance doesn't mean resigning yourself to your life situation, according to author of Power of Now Eckhart Tolle. You obviously need to do something about it when faced with challenging situations. Acceptance means facing whatever is happening to you - internally and externally. This can apply to any of life's situations - career, relationships, health/diabetes. <br /><br />And in my case these days, it's about allowing my children to develop at their own pace. When they’re ready to move to the next step (which happens so fast anyway). And I suppose the doctors are a part of that journey too. As are the moms of full-term babies. The appointments, the homework, the activities, and the letting them be who they are. <br /><br />There's a lesson in all of it. On living life to the fullest. On not resisting what life hands you and your loved ones. On facing what happens to you, accepting it, and doing something about it.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-18177081288398054612011-11-01T09:30:00.005-04:002011-11-01T09:45:43.442-04:00Ending the war on feeding issuesEthan and Aria were born five and a half months ago, and food and <a href="http://www.feeding-underweight-children.com/infantfeedingproblems.html">feeding issues</a> have re-arisen to the top of my things to think about. And conquer.<br /><br />Feeding takes on an entirely new meaning when you have two little people totally dependent on you for sustenance. And along with the obvious – meaning feed them - comes how to help them feel better when they have feeding issues like gas or needs a diaper change or bigger concerns. <br /><br />Aria has taught me quite a bit about eating healthy. She knows exactly what she needs to eat to gain exactly the right amount of weight. While with Ethan, we have gone through an incredibly frustrating and grueling five or so months of trying to figure out why he isn’t eating what he needs to gain a healthy weight and catch up to others his age (he was born premature and very small). We are pretty sure that we’ve figured it out: Turns out that he’s a <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001321/">lactose intolerant</a> foodie who likes to snack sometimes.<br /><br />But ending the war on feeding issues isn’t only about the kids. My relationship with food has long been an issue for me, as I believe it has been for just about everyone on the planet whether they’re aware of it or not. The babies’ relationship with food, and the need to think about it more than I ever would for myself, has brought to light my own relationship with food. And I’m the better for it. Because now I can declare, I have ended my own war with feeding issues and my body. <br /><br />Geneen Roth, author of <a href="http://geneenroth.com/women_food_and_god.php">Women, Food, and God</a> says it best. We all have a relationship with food and eating that is reflective of how we approach life and our values. <br /><br />I’ll share with you a smidgen of my own saga. Food has been the bane of my existence and also my savior, a source for strength and comfort, and a passion. I love food, especially really good food, and I also feel guilty because of food, like I’m never quite eating just right. <a href="http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/type-1/?loc=DropDownDB-type1">Diabetes</a> and <a href="http://www.celiac.com/">celiac</a> comes with restrictions and rules. You need to eat just the right amounts and right kinds or your body goes haywire. I know this, and I want to be fit and healthy. I feel better when I am. But when I see a beautiful meal, I can’t help but indulge a bit. And like many people, I also see food as love and family. I socialize around it. Holiday dinners revolve around food. I try to be conscious of what I’m eating, and yet somehow, it never turns out quite right. A sugar goes high, the weight doesn’t go down, but I also want to sit around the table with family and friends and enjoy. And then the guilt enters, the feeling bad about myself, the perfectionist that is me. <br /><br />Alright, so how did I get from there to now? The end of my own personal war with food?<br /><br />I was obsessing over Ethan’s feeding issues. I cannot even begin to describe to you how difficult dealing with an infant’s feeding issues is. Babies can’t really tell you what’s bothering them, and days are filled with crying and discomfort. So you have to observe closely, read the signs and symptoms, and try things out. We tried a lot of things out – from gas drops to tests and medications for reflux. But I’ll talk more about that another time. The point is: We needed it to be resolved. For his health. And for our health. And all of our sanity. Bottom line: He wasn’t reaching his potential because he wasn’t getting the proper nutrition, and it weighed down on all of us.<br /><br />I would pray, meditate, journal, talk about it, talk about it again, then cry about it, pray some more, do some yoga, journal. And then I asked for spiritual guidance. Which I tend to do under these kinds of circumstances. And I got it.<br /><br />First, his feeding issues are his journey, and I can’t control it. I need to go with the flow, and listen closely to my intuition. <br /><br />And, I can use the opportunity to learn what I can about my own issues with food. I decided to re-visit Geneen Roth’s book in audio form.<br /><br />Then the answers started coming regarding Ethan. We tried a lactose free formula. There are a number of them, and quite frankly they really stink. I mean they smell really bad. And he didn’t like them. We tried three until we found one that he likes. And bingo, he’s eating like a champ.<br /><br />And as the answers were coming to us about Ethan, the answers were coming to me as well. I went to the mall one day for a break. <br /><br />I was so tired from the sleepless nights and very long, tiring days. I asked for spiritual guidance again. Not about me or my own feeding issues. Just a general, I need help. Please. Now. I begged for a cleaner and two live-in nannies. To win the lottery. To have a house large enough for the live-in nannies. To have my life back again. <br /><br />I was wandering aimlessly around Barnes and Noble thinking about these two amazing kids, but not really figuring out where I should go or what I should do. And I remembered something my doctor said to me, the OB/GYN who delivered the twins. He told me that we had been through so much, and it’s my job now to transform all of the fear of losing him and everything we went through with him at the NICU for three and a half months - to joy. He said, "What's the point of having kids if you aren't going to feel joy?" <br /><br />That statement stuck with me. Why was I having such trouble transforming it to joy? And I realized that I’ve always been like this though, haven’t I? Never quite satisfied, always looking for trouble and obsessing over fixing it.<br /><br />I walked out into the main part of the mall and sat on a bench for a moment to rest. And then I looked up and saw a large sign in one of the store windows: Get over it. <br /><br />Those words stuck with me, but still didn’t quite penetrate. The hint hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Not until I left the mall and went out to my car to go home. I put on the audio CD of Geneen Roth’s <a href="http://geneenroth.com/women_food_and_god.php">Women, Food, and God</a>, and sure enough, the first words I heard were, “Chapter Two: Ending the war.”<br /><br />I didn’t need to hear anything else. What am I fighting for? I can choose my own battles with myself. And I choose peace of mind. I had been searching for some magical antidote. A message like: Go to five sessions of reiki and all of your problems will be solved. It doesn’t quite work like that though. And to be honest, I wasn’t even thinking about my relationship with food or my body, even though I was listening to a book about Women, Food, and God. I was actually listening to it more for an epiphany regarding Ethan – not me. <br /><br />I decided that day to end the war. I wasn’t sure exactly which war. But it was going to end. I decided to stop battling with myself.<br /><br />A few days later, I realized that I actually love my body. I hadn’t been searching for that. And I realized that it felt really good to feel that way for the first time in my life. Alas, the war has ended.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-54965303113365063302011-10-31T17:48:00.002-04:002011-10-31T18:48:00.136-04:00This week's blog will be up tomorrowHey everyone, <br /><br />This week's Monday blog will be posted tomorrow. <br /><br />Have a great evening,<br />OphirOphir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-24361961426446378082011-10-24T16:49:00.006-04:002011-10-24T17:10:48.990-04:00Cooling the flamesI woke up one morning around six years ago and had lost the range of motion in my left hip. It was quite a long road getting my hip back again, but I was able to do it. Well, here we go again – only on the right side.<br /><br />It started a couple of weeks after my c-section. I was doing yoga one morning, and noticed that I had lost quite a lot of range of motion. To make matters worse, I noticed that if I move it a little bit funny, I am in excruciating pain.<br /><br />The good news is that I already know what to do since I’ve been through this before. I know that it’s osteoarthritis. I know that it’s a result of inflammation. I know that inflammation is stress-induced. And I also know that alternative medical treatments work much better than traditional Western ones in this case. <br /><br />Last time, I was sent to an orthopedist, then to physical therapy, x-rays, MRIs, and a rheumatologist. I wound up treating it though with a mix of chiropractic care, yoga, proper diet and sleep, ginger tea, and stress reducing meditation. I visualized myself with a fully functioning, flexible, pain-free hip. I also did body work meditation, which basically means that after quieting the mind through deep breathing, you go to the point in the body where the pain is and ask if there’s a message. I have gained many insights into stress that I have suppressed in my body, and I find that once I’m aware of it, I’m able to work out the tension helping my body feel better. By the way, you can also do this through yoga. Just ask for insights on a particular question, and then let your body do the work. Messages will come to you while practicing the various poses and/or at the end when lying in shavasana or corpse pose. <br /><br />I have already started, but am finding it harder this time to implement my treatment since having twins. Okay, for one, I don’t really get to decide how much sleep I get on any given night. I’m always tired. Two, I also don’t always get to decide when I do yoga and when I don’t or when and if I get to finish a routine. I don’t go to the chiropractor quite as often. I meditate occasionally. And sometimes I eat whatever is handy – including pizza, pasta, and tortilla chips. I have managed to cut out artificial sweeteners and started drinking ginger tea though. <br /><br />So what do I do? Well, I can’t change the fact that I have twins, and that I need to take care of them. Nor do I want to. But I can find a way to be more forgiving of myself, to look at what I am doing for myself and focus on that. I am managing to do yoga on some days. I am managing to meditate on some days. And I am managing to still eat vegetables every day. I have already visualized both of my hips as flexible, fit, and agile. And I know that the hip will heal. Now it's about time, patience, and forgiveness.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-65596415353101308312011-10-17T16:26:00.008-04:002011-10-17T16:39:40.484-04:00Relief from suffering and pain and my kids’ vomitingHave you ever seen a baby vomit? I apologize for the goriness, but Ethan has been vomiting frequently. (More on this in a later blog, but we’re working on figuring out the cause.) Aria vomits too, but not nearly as often. <br /><br />I was quite traumatized the first time I saw each vomit until I mastered the whole process. But I still worry and stress over the what’s, why’s, who’s, etc. What’s causing it? Why is it happening? How can I make it stop? Who do I turn to for help? And so on. A couple of trips to the pediatrician later, and we now know that Aria’s is nothing to worry about, and we’re still working on figuring out Ethan’s.<br /><br />As for the process, Aria’s vomit just kind of happens. There’s no prelude or warnings. She vomits, and then looks stunned for half a second. I take her to clean her up and change clothes, and sure enough, she’s laughing and kicking around within seconds.<br /><br />It’s more or less the same thing with Ethan. Only with him, there’s warning. We run to the sink. He gags and vomits. Sometimes he just gags. He looks as though he’s in pain. He vomits. Maybe a second or third time. He cries. We calm him and soothe him. And then we take him to get cleaned up and changed. And he’s smiling and kicking around again after a few minutes. And that’s pretty much it. <br /><br />The pain is temporary. Lasts a millisecond with Aria and maybe a few minutes with Ethan. They move on. They’re ready to play again. All smiles.<br /><br />But not with me. I see the vomit coming. I run for dear life to make sure that minimal damage is done to the house. I’ve had to clean the couches, carpets, my clothing, and their chairs way too many times for my liking at this point. And then there’s the stress of leaving one of them downstairs alone – sometimes in the middle of a feeding - while I take the other upstairs to clean and change. I try to rush to make sure that no one is traumatized or in hysterics because they were left alone while moments before they were enjoying a bottle. And then I think for days about what could have caused the vomit. I speak with the pediatrician and my husband, and we go over all of the scenarios over and over again. To be honest, I don’t even bother calling anymore. I check for temperature sometimes. Nope, no signs of illness. My husband wants to build an excel spreadsheet to pinpoint trends and try to diagnose it. And I pray to God every morning, “Let this be a vomit-free day.” <br /><br />It totally stresses me out... and they’re playing.<br /><br />Just to state the obvious: Babies’ brains aren’t as developed as ours; their ego minds haven’t developed at this stage. And so what may seem to be a worrisome event to us is just another blip in time for them. And as a mother who worries – a lot about everything – I am trying to come to some kind of emotional peace with this. I don’t know if I can spend the remainder of my life freaking out all the time about their health. Or perhaps more realistically, I can at least find a way to tone it down. Have some relative peace of mind.<br /><br />I was thinking about the peace I'm seeking the other day, and I had this gut feeling to Google the word “control” on Oprah.com. And sure enough, I found a really great article by Martha Beck, “<a href="http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Get-a-New-Leash-on-Life_1#ixzz1aa34wQzD">Get a New Leash on Life</a>” from the August 2002 edition of Oprah Magazine, which I strongly recommend reading. <br /><br />In it, Beck looks at different kinds of pain and how we can find some solace. She writes that psychologists call my kind of suffering “dirty” pain. In the case of the vomiting, the kids have “clean” pain, which is what we feel when something hurtful happens to us. That blip in time. <br /><br />She explains, “Dirty pain is the result of our thoughts about how wrong this is, how it proves we-and life- are bad.” Such as the anguish of why the vomit happened, how we can change it, the should’s and could’s. I must confess that I have turned the vomiting in my mind into a really, really big deal. It may in fact be a symptom of something greater – like reflux or a food allergy – but my thoughts and worry around it does not help.<br /><br />Beck’s article continues, “The two kinds of suffering occupy different sections of the brain: One part simply registers events, while another creates a continuous stream of thoughts about those events. The vast majority of our unhappiness comes from this secondary response – not from painful reality but from painful thoughts about reality.”<br /><br />When we dwell, discuss, stress about, create stories that may have no basis in reality. Beck tells us that this happens when we try to control – through our thoughts – what we really can’t control. <br /><br />This doesn’t only apply to physical pain, but also to emotional pain like from a job lay off, a bad breakup, the stress before a surgery or after you’ve already recuperated, the angst when trying to make a big decision, or fretting over a fight with a loved one. The event itself only lasts a few seconds. But the feelings about it will last as long as you let it. <br /><br />Buddhists, Kabbalists, new age followers, and yogis have been saying for years, suffering ends when we learn to detach from thinking mind. The way to do that is to realize that our thoughts aren’t the truth. It’s what we’ve created, a story we’ve told ourselves. And the way to detach from those thoughts is through presence – such as focusing on your breath, listening to your heartbeat, observing your thoughts, or observing what’s right in front of you. Is there anything wrong at this very moment? Probably not. <br /><br />Beck goes on to say that even experiences we once feared and hated may become opportunities to awaken our capacity for joy. Because once you become comfortable with uncertainty, the world opens. <br /><br />Is this was a long way to go from my children’s vomiting? I don't think so. It's these every day events that show us our true selves and also show us where there's work to be done in living life to the fullest. It’s just another example of how we, how I, create thoughts that aren’t necessarily true. <br /><br />I’m getting better at handling the vomit. I’m taking it as it comes and dealing with it, although still praying to God every morning for vomit-free days. We’re doing everything we can to help Ethan move past it and feel better. And hey, this could be an opportunity to get some new couches. One thing I'm learning for sure is that the world really does open up once you let go of control.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-71785881696940461782011-10-10T16:22:00.007-04:002011-10-10T16:37:12.668-04:00Balancing health and newfound motherhoodI had a rough morning today. I woke up at around 5:30 in the morning ready to exercise, get my insulin pack together with all of my vitamins, blood sugar checking paraphernalia, and insulin pump stuff, and eat breakfast before the kids woke up. You probably guessed from the title of this blog entry, things didn’t turn out exactly the way I had planned. <br /><br />I did manage to get the insulin pack together, but that was only because my husband went to get Aria who had also woken up at 5:30 along with her mother and father. I fed her. She played a bit. I decided to swaddle her up and let her watch me exercise. Yes, that actually interests a newborn child, and I figure I’m teaching them to take care of their health while taking care of mine too. She fell asleep while I was warming up. I was well on my way to getting fit and strong, when fifteen minutes into it, Ethan woke up ready to eat and play. I had stop. <br /><br />And that’s pretty much how my morning went. One would wake up to eat while the other one napped, and then as soon as one was ready to nap, the other would wake up to eat.<br /> <br />I get frustrated when these types of mornings happen. I want to get stuff done, and I hate being interrupted or feeling obliged to change my course. But it’s not like I’m an evil mother because of this. I’m trying to actually take care of my health. This is a good thing. And I tried really hard all morning long to finish the routine. I put Ethan in the swing and let him watch me, but then he started screaming. He was hungry. He finally went to sleep – after many maneuvers on my part. I figured I could finish the routine, and then Aria woke up. I took her upstairs to put the laundry in the washer. She wanted to play, and so I put her under her mobile, and she kicked around in her crib. <br /><br />Here’s my surprising bit of news. Despite all of the juggling, I do somehow manage to take care of myself. I do manage to exercise most days of the week and eat healthy meals. I do check my sugars. Sometimes I’m holding a bottle and pricking my finger at the same time, but it gets done.<br /><br />I think it’s because I’ve made healthy living a priority. But it’s not only that. I am trying really hard not to get hung up on plans. This is really hard for me by the way. I have always been a planner. My children are teaching me to go with the flow. Make adjustments when necessary and figure out how to still get it done. So I didn’t get to exercise in the morning, but I did do another 15 minutes of that routine later in the day. It may not be the ideal way to work out, but hey, I did something. <br /><br />I know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed with things to do. I keep hearing from friends and family about the amount of stuff on their plates. I am not proposing that everyone become to-do list addicts. But one thing I’ve learned as a mom of five month old twins is that there’s always stuff to do. And the only way to balance it all is to prioritize and then go with the flow, moment by moment, day by day.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-58794722261672660332011-10-03T16:21:00.006-04:002011-10-03T19:53:50.961-04:00Stressed out and loving itWhat’s stressing me out, you may ask? Well, besides being totally tired from taking care of our newborn twins Ethan and Aria, I am also dealing with my own health issues since having the babies (nothing serious, but still not something you wish for; more on this later), Ethan’s health needs resulting from his very low birth weight (and the team of doctors that we need to see), the economic situation (otherwise known as, “now it’s my turn”), getting stuff done (i.e., the bane of my existence: to-do lists), and still adjusting to this whole thing we call motherhood (and figuring out how to remain sane). <br /><br />I was telling my husband about it, crying and complaining like crazy. I even made a list of all the things that are stressing me out and sent it to him by e-mail – just to show him how really stressed out I really am.<br /><br />His response: “Everything will be okay. Things always work out. Look at where we are now. We live a good life.”<br /><br />That of course is the perfect answer. What else would you tell someone when they’re totally losing it? “Uh, yeah, it’ll only get worse.” <br /><br />But then he pointed out to me all the things that ARE going well in our lives. And he pointed out to me how we’ve been through tough times in the past, and everything always worked out for the best. And everything always works out at the right pace and at the right time. <br /><br />I listened to his words, and felt inspired to work out my stress through yoga a few minutes later – remembering how therapeutic it is for me. I believe from my own experiences that we hold stress in our bodies which if unattended to can turn to illness. Yoga is the perfect way to let it go. Stretching, sweating, building strength and balance. Yoga gently moves you to become present. <br /><br />And that’s when it hit me: I am the creator of my stress. Me and only me. My list of stressors really has no meaning. I attach the meaning to it. I choose how to perceive the stress in my life. I could revolutionize the whole way I perceive stress, and look at the same things that are stressing me out as adventurous and exciting. As opportunities to grow, learn, and live life more fully. <br /><br />I have these amazing kids who are just so much fun. I have always worked out my health issues in the past, and I will this time too. And career/economic situation – totally an opportunity to re-invent myself and follow my dreams. <br /><br />As for the health stuff, it really deserves its own blog. But to make it brief: I have some health stuff that came around after the twins were born – mostly inflammation in my joints. I’ve had this before, and I know how to take care of it. I’ve overcome inflammation in the past through yoga, diet, and meditation. I can do it again. <br /><br />Everyone goes through stress in one way or another. Use it. Take advantage of it. Awareness of your stress is a way to learn more about yourself, what makes you tick, and then turn it around to live more fully. It’s up to me and only me to turn my stress around. Here we go...Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-26501001899024777152011-09-26T13:11:00.003-04:002011-09-26T13:24:08.897-04:00Savoring each momentTwins are a challenge to raise. I love them dearly (goes without saying), but I have to admit that I have been obsessively wondering: When does this get easier? When does raising newborn twins, while also trying to somehow take care of myself, a house, and the rest of life, get easier?<br /><br />I take this question very seriously. I refuse to just give in and be a blithering, tired mom for the next however many years. So I decided to search for the answer.<br /><br />I started a few months ago (while I was still pregnant) by reading parenting books in search for clear directions on parenting success – and even more so, parenting twins sanely. I read (and am still reading) the oracle of parenting: “What to Expect the First Year,” as well as other books like “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child,” by Marc Weissbluth (sleep is a big deal for newborns and their parents) and “Having Twins,” by Elizabeth Noble, among many more. But alas, even those incredibly popular books gave lots of options and choices without one real true definitive path to sane twin parenting. <br /><br />I have implemented many of the suggestions, the ones that make sense, and yet, I am still completely and absolutely worn out. And actually, I just read last night in "Having Twins" that things will only get tougher once the kids are eating solids and moving. Solids are tough because it's more work and messy. Moving is tough because they just move in different directions and not know yet that certain things are dangerous. That obviously did not make me feel better.<br /><br />So I turned to friends and relatives, especially other parents of twins. I received many different answers to the “When does it get easier” question. Some told me that it gets easier when children reach three or four years old when they are less physically dependent, but then the same people told me that at that age, the physical stress turns to emotional stuff. Some say it all gets easier when you start sleeping through the night when children reach two or three years old. Some say when they’re 18 and leave the house for college. While others say when they get married and then it becomes someone else’s problem. <br /><br />So basically we're talking anywhere from three to eighteen to twenty plus years from today. And I don't think I'll last that long!<br /><br />I was feeding the twins (at the same time) when the answer hit me: I wasn’t asking the right question. What I should be asking is: How do I make this moment easier? <br />I keep trying to rush past all of this, and amazingly enough, it’s one of the most fulfilling and joyful times of my life. I’m trying to jump eighteen years ahead instead of simply savoring the moment I’m in. <br /><br />The twins are growing and developing each day. And this is it. This is my chance to experience what it’s like to be raising these amazing four and a half month old babies. Life is transient. And soon they’ll be five months old, and I won’t be able to go back again to this day. So, I’d better savor it. I’d better live for the moment.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-91853210752341282962011-09-19T11:29:00.014-04:002011-09-19T12:17:43.309-04:00Getting over “oh poor baby”Worried sick. That’s what I’ve been. Picking him up at every whimper to coddle him. He needs extra loving care. He is traumatized by everything that’s happened to him. Oh, poor baby.<br /> <br />Those are definitely the thoughts and language that I’ve been using when talking about Ethan since he stopped growing in utero at 26 weeks and was born very, very, very small. And then spent three and a half months in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit). <br /><br />He’s doing great now. He’s been home for three weeks and thriving. Yet, I have definitely had those “oh poor baby” thoughts despite all of this. Despite the doctors telling me that he looks great. Despite the dramatic improvement in how our son interacts with us and his sister. <br /><br />I came to realize that the “oh poor baby” mentality is not fair to him, or his sister for that matter, this weekend when he was crying hysterically. <br /><br />Well not to confuse everybody, but the "ah ha" moment actually started because of Aria. (I'll get back to Ethan's freak-out session in a minute.) She's been really fussy lately. Rebelling, perhaps? And I was wondering what's going on with her. Is it normal baby stuff like gas, hunger of tiredness? Or is she wondering why she's not the sole center of attention anymore? So I asked Lior, "Am I treating them differently?"<br /><br />I realized that I was. When Aria is fussy and needs to be held, I say to myself, "Oh she needs a swaddle and a pacifier. I'll pick her up and hold her." When Ethan cries, I frantically wonder "Oh my God, what's wrong with him? I don't know what to do. Is he okay? What do I do? What do I do?"<br /><br />And in that moment when I was freaking out because Ethan was freaking out (and Aria was burying herself in her swaddle to drown out the noise), I realized that I wasn't helping him by freaking out and imposing on him the "oh poor baby" mentality. "He needs to be treated differently." <br /><br />It dawned on me that I am really not helping him (or myself) emotionally either. I'm the mom. He is four months old. He needs me, just as she does, to take control of the situation and figure out how to help him. And not to freak out, because then they will freak out. A cough is just a cough. A sneeze is just a sneeze. A vomit is just a vomit. And a cry is just a cry. Just as I treat Aria when she's upset. Like a normal baby. That's all.<br /><br />With that moment of clarity, I reached for a pacifier and a swaddle, and I picked him up. And I realized that I am judging him unfairly - and unjustly for that matter. Babies are incredibly attuned to the energy we send them. I see this unfold every single day. The babies read my energy and respond in turn. And my own insecure thoughts, and even worse, the "oh poor baby" ones, can hinder his ability to thrive. To become self-sufficient. To grow and develop. <br /><br />And it's not fair to Aria either. She's been telling me this for weeks now.<br /><br />I realized that I needed to process everything that had happened with the pregnancy, the birth, and the post-partum period, accept it, and let it go. I believe I’m there now, and I am already seeing changes - big changes - over the weekend and this morning.<br /><br />Here’s how I am doing it: First, I became aware and mindful that I was projecting judgmental thoughts and feelings. I didn’t blame myself or feel bad about it. I simply became aware and set an intention to change it, to turn it around. Next, I meditated on changing my thought patterns. I consciously became aware of my thoughts while feeding both Aria and Ethan. And I mindfully focused on non-judgment. I kept repeating the words: “Non-judgment, non-judgment, non-judgment.” And I automatically, you could even say intuitively, became present. I began focusing on my breath and on how grateful I am. I felt this incredibly healing, positive energy come over me. And I exhaled. It was great. A moment to savor. They were both eating vigorously, and they both looked content. <br /><br />And then suddenly, with my mind clear of clutter, I began to notice a change in him. He was growing before my eyes, smiling, eating more, crying less. I saw that he is thriving. He could very well have been doing this all along, but I finally saw my son – as he is – for the first time. A healthy, thriving baby. <br /><br />I am going to continue practicing presence and gratitude with both Ethan and Aria, especially while feeding them. And I will continue to be mindful of not judging them. Accepting them for who they are. <br /><br />And I’m starting to realize that my children are teaching me incredibly valuable lessons that are helping me grow in my relationship with myself and with others. Perhaps if I begin to perceive myself with non-judgment, I will thrive more and more. I will see myself for who I really am and live my authentic self more naturally. And perhaps by practicing non-judgment with myself, it will be easier to practice non-judgment with others, and then those relationships will flourish and people will have the space to feel like they can be truly authentic with me. <br /><br />I'd say that that’s a pretty good goal. Be with myself and others in non-judgment, with presence. I have a feeling that this isn't the last of the lessons that Ethan and Aria will teach me over the years. But I'm savoring this one for now.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-21469460986277757432011-09-11T17:41:00.006-04:002011-09-12T07:35:27.789-04:00How I’m adjusting to being a mom of twinsI totally freaked out last week. It was my first week alone with Ethan and Aria, who are now four months old. I was curled up on the couch this past Wednesday afternoon much like a newborn baby, whining to a friend on the phone, crying hysterically, and wondering if I’ll ever, ever, ever feel better – make that sane – again.<br /><br />I am finding a lot of joy in having children, but it’s totally normal to say that raising twins is physically exhausting and emotionally trying. It’s a tall order for just about anyone, and needless to say that having Type 1 diabetes adds a whole other component. On top of taking care of them – which is a pretty big job – I also need to keep the house together, have some semblance of a career, and let’s not forget that I also need to take care of myself.<br /><br />I’m finding it challenging to make the basics happen: taking a shower, eating, checking my sugars, exercising, sleeping, and going to doctors/filling prescriptions. My days have been starting at 4 or 4:30 am and ending at around 10 to 10:30 pm. And it’s pretty much non-stop. When they rest, I run around and try to get things done before one of them wakes up. <br /><br />Then there’s the taking care of them part. I have been experimenting with feeding them at the same time, but that can sometimes go really, really bad really, really fast. Hysterical cries, formula all over the place (and vomit on the family room couches), neither child really getting my full attention (which I felt guilty about and was part of the couch hysterics). On top of that, I had to take them to two doctors’ appointments this past week – of course carrying two infant car seats in the pouring rain to and from the car way too many times for my liking. Each of them vomited for two days in a row on different days. And somewhere in there, they vomited on me too. Needless to say, lots of laundry has been done.<br /><br />I’m not the only one adjusting here of course. The whole family is, and that adds to it all. Aria had to get used to having a brother and not as much of our attention (still working on that one, but getting much better than it was). And of course Ethan was adjusting to being in a totally new environment and routine, not knowing what to expect, and feeling at home and comfortable. Our remedy has been to fill them with a lot of love and consistency. It seems to be working, and they seem to be adjusting nicely so far. <br /><br />What I realized as I thought about today's blog topic is that the Wednesday curled up on the couch freak-out was a wake-up call. I need to get my act together. I am the boss of this house, at least when Lior's not home. I need to be in control. I need to stay balanced and keep a calm mind. I need to stay present and not make matters worse with my griping. I need to love myself and be confident in what I’m doing. I have no other choice. I need to take care of myself or else who will? <br /><br />And that’s when things started turning.<br /><br />During those crazy moments when Ethan, Aria, and I are on edge, I had an epiphany that I should sing songs, which seems to put a smile on everyone’s face at any given moment despite my being a really lousy singer. I have learned to make shorter to-do lists, and I have also learned to let a lot go (a clean and orderly house being one of the more challenging things to let go of, but super hard to get done). I am also streamlining – I found an endocrinologist closer to home and have my first appointment booked. Lior and I have established a bedtime routine that seems to be working really well. Lior and I also spent the first week that Ethan was home organizing and figuring out who would be in charge of what and how we would prioritize stuff to do at home. So that makes things much better. <br /><br />I have been mindful of savoring the amazing moments - the cuddling, the smiles and coos, and watching them grow and learn. The other day when I was singing songs – to calm the room – Aria started singing with me in her own way. She was smiling and kicking her legs in her chair. Ethan used to cry when we changed his diaper, and now he smiles from ear to ear and calmly waits while I take care of whatever I need to do. How amazing is that?<br /><br />Also, I'm learning that it’s okay if babies cry. It’s loud, causes stress, and breaks my heart, but it’s still okay if they cry until I can get to them. Yes, I can go take a shower, and if one of them cries, well, they’ll wait for me to get out to take care of whatever is bothering them. Of course, once one starts crying, the other one sometimes does as well, and then it takes me quite some time to calm them down. I suppose this will help them build character. But still, my point is that I can go take a shower whether or not they cry while I'm away.<br /><br />“Me time” has taken on new meaning. It’s composed of a few hours a week, rather than most of the time. And what that has forced me to do is think really carefully about what I want to spend that “me” time doing. I want to spend that time exercising, spending time with family and friends, writing, reading, and pampering (like getting a haircut or a pedicure).<br /><br />I have learned to savor the “me time” moments in a whole new way. Lior and I watched a movie together last night! It was only interrupted once, and we watched it together until the end. And I actually took a walk by myself yesterday for thirty minutes, and it was so peaceful. I have learned to appreciate things I used to take for granted in a whole new way.<br /><br />This whole experience is a real life lesson. Actually it’s all of life’s lessons rolled into one super intense immersion course in accepting what life hands us and making the best of it. And in this case, that means learning the lesson.Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-77728741582216325002011-08-29T15:36:00.002-04:002011-08-29T15:40:15.870-04:00So long, NICU…Welcome home Ethan!Ethan is home! We are all thrilled, and yes, utterly exhausted.
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<br />Ethan came home today after a week of final preparations at the hospital for his discharge. Despite an earthquake and a hurricane, we were able to leave the hospital only a day later than originally planned.
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<br />There is a lot to say about this entire journey, and I’m sure I’m still processing much of it. There has been a lot to learn - from a medical perspective, as a new parent and a new parent of twins and a new parent of twins who also has Type 1 diabetes, and lots and lots of spiritual/emotional lessons. I have been reflecting for quite some time now on what I can learn from this experience, and here’s what comes to mind as my top five:
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<br />5) Be mindful of facts and feelings – at the right time. It’s good to be mindful of one’s emotions, accept and process them. But sometimes, those emotions need to be checked at the door when the time isn’t right. I’m a better listener – and a better mother - when I just listen to the facts, not the feelings, when discussing matters that require my undivided attention – such as a meeting with a doctor. That’s probably true for everyone.
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<br />4) The power of prayer. It’s remarkable. But always be mindful of what it is you are praying for, and you will receive abundance in return.
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<br />3) Be thankful. Savor each wonderful moment life hands you – and even the not so wonderful ones – and be thankful for them. And be sure to thank God after receiving something you’ve prayed for.
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<br />2) Listen to and trust your intuition. I don’t know how many times I left the NICU crying because the doctors painted a dismal picture. But my gut kept telling me that Ethan is just fine or a specific direction to take or a good question to ask. Always trust your gut feelings. They are more often true than not.
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<br />1) Trust God/the Universe/or however you may call it. When you trust that the Universe is working in your best interest, forces are moved and set in motion to deliver the best possible outcome to you. It’s true. Really, I mean it. I have found time and time again – during the best and worst of times – that when I trust the Universe, every need I have is delivered in the most efficient and best way possible.
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<br />Ethan and Aria are asleep right now. We have music playing in the background. Lior is taking a nap. And I can’t help but think that it’s time to move on and forward. To process everything and finally relax into it. Take a vacation, enjoy life and our kids. We’ll see what the Universe has in mind for us next.
<br />Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-44981513846735093642011-08-22T17:12:00.002-04:002011-08-22T17:14:24.811-04:00blog breakHello everyone,
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<br />There's a lot going on in the world of the NICU, and I am unable to post a new blog today. I am already working on next week's post though! Please stay tuned....
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<br />Warm regards,
<br />OphirOphir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-553600967846266830.post-12763796010673439922011-08-15T11:45:00.004-04:002011-08-15T11:55:07.150-04:00Lessons from the NICU: Getting over the Type 1 diabetic guilt, anger, and other related feelingsIt’s time to address the elephant in the room. Is my newborn son Ethan in the NICU (it’s been almost 14 weeks now) because I have Type 1 diabetes? Which I’ve had for over 36 years, very well controlled now but not always so. And I was pregnant with twins; Aria is his sister. And I had them at an “advanced maternal age” as those high risk doctors call it.
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<br />If you ask me, the answer is partially yes, but no one will say that definitively. The reason that Ethan is in the NICU is because he was born very, very, very small, and is working on recuperating from things associated with that. He stopped growing at 26 weeks in utero because of negative diastolic flow – which means that the blood and nutrients were flowing out of his placenta rather than into it.
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<br />Why did this happen? No one can say for sure. I asked one high risk doctor, and he said: It could be diabetes, but there could be other reasons as well. “We don’t know.” Another high risk doctor told me that it is most likely due to the diabetes and the fact that I was pregnant with twins. It’s quite a lot for a Type 1 diabetic body – who has had the disease for quite some time - to handle, she said.
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<br />To be honest, the diabetes theory makes the most sense to me and is the prevailing one in my book.
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<br />So that leads us to the emotional side of diabetes and pregnancy: The guilt. The anger. The feeling that life just isn’t fair sometimes. The feeling of responsibility for putting him in the situation he is now. Starting his life out in a hospital with beeping monitors, pricks and prods, tests galore, strangers feeding you in shifts every 12 hours, the whole shebang. He’s just a baby. The nurses try to make it comforting, like home. They hold him, talk to him, and let him play. But still, it’s a hospital. Away from the home he still hasn’t gotten to know and love. Or the family he sees a few hours a week.
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<br />This is not what I dreamed of or hoped for. I dreamed of bonding, walks in the park, cute little outfits, and lots of cuddling time. I’ve had all of those things with Aria, and barely with Ethan - only with nurses, doctors, and monitors in the same room.
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<br />How do I let go of that? How do I become at peace with what has happened?
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<br />Fred Luskin, author of <span style="font-style:italic;"><a href="http://learningtoforgive.com/">Forgive for Good</a></span> and cofounder and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says that mindfulness and focusing on gratitude and kindness are the antidote, as told in <span style="font-style:italic;"><a href="http://www.oprah.com/health/How-to-Forgive-Others-Health-Benefits-of-Forgiveness-Fred-Luskin">Letting Go</a></span> found in the May 2011 issue of Oprah Magazine. Luskin says that these concepts apply to any disappointment or hurt that any of us has experienced. It does not have to be as traumatic as a newborn child in the NICU. It could be as simple as someone taking your spot in a crowded parking lot.
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<br />I did my best to make my pregnancy a healthy one. And it was. My A1C’s varied between 5.8 and 6.1. I exercised as doctors prescribed. I gained a healthy amount of weight. I monitored my sugars and calculated carbohydrates. I visited doctors and listened to what they said. I came out of this pregnancy healthy. Aria came out of this pregnancy healthy as well. We’re thriving.
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<br />And Ethan – who was predicted to not even make it – came out of it with some feeding issues, a little small, and a few other things which he has already outgrown. He’ll outgrow the feeding issues as well, and of course, he’ll outgrow being small.
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<br />I willingly chose to have children, to get pregnant, despite the diabetes and my age, fully knowing all the risks involved. It’s a decision I made that I do not – and never will – regret. I have two beautiful children, and I love being a mom. I cannot feel guilty for that. And I don’t. Just the opposite: I’m grateful.
<br />Ophir Lehavy Buselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04806213537368437591noreply@blogger.com2