So long to the blog but not to the writer

It’s time for me to stop writing The Conscious Diabetic.

I’m sure you guessed....Full-time job, infant twins, type 1 diabetes, keeping up with the house....it’s all a bit too much for me. But it’s more than just that.

Something changed for me in 2009 even before I started blogging. I had always grappled and struggled with my creative side. I wanted to be an author, an artist, a photographer, an interior and graphic designer, a travel writer, a poet....I wanted it all. But couldn’t quite seem to make any of it actually happen.

I dreamt of the different books I would write. There’s one about a fantasy world I’ve imagined with pixies, magical dolphins, and imaginary places. And there’s another, a kids’ book that teaches life lessons with animals and stuff but is really an artist's tool kit.

And then there’s THE book. The big idea for a book that I’ve thought about for almost a decade. It’s a love story set in a bomb-shaken Middle East. I kind of think of it as a chick lit version of a New York Times article on Israel and the Arab world.

As time has passed, and I’ve pondered this book more and more, I realized that the goal of the book is to go beyond what people see on the news, make the Middle East relatable. And even more so, underneath the bombs and love story is a story that inspires people to find themselves, to live life more fully, and to find the real love that matters most – self-love.

And my ultimate goal for this book is to set off a spark of compassion in a really turbulent part of the world.

I thought about the book for almost four years before I could get it started. I was stuck. And then, I read a book that changed my life: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Something sparked in me and after reading it, I signed up for a book writing class and started doing yoga on a regular basis.

I started writing my chick lit version of the Middle East that summer. I have 80 pages written.

I was on such an artist’s high. I had overcome some fears at last! And that’s when I started thinking about blogging. I wasn’t working on Mondays anymore, and I had a whole day to play. I had no excuses anymore. I had the time. The ideas. And the ability. I was going to be a book writer, a blogger, and maybe even write a few articles here and there.

I started blogging The Conscious Diabetic on November 2, 2009 with a goal in mind. I wanted to become a writer, but not just any kind of writer. I wanted to be a writer with purpose, passion, and compassion. And I wanted lots of readers.

I grappled over whether to write about diabetes or not. I didn’t want to complain about living with diabetes. I wanted to be held accountable for taking the challenges of living with diabetes and learning from them on living a better life. A more accepting of what is kind of life. And I have kept true to that with every single entry.

I created a routine to get myself in the right frame of mind before writing. Yoga, meditation, and tea. But most importantly, I had to let go of my ego.

Time passed. Life’s challenges gave me things to write about. I learned that I have celiac and started living a gluten-free life. It wasn’t easy. I decided to finally get past my fear of pregnancy, and well, now I have 10 month old twins. And there was the whole son with temporary special needs thing. He’s doing great by the way, and we still feel the needs are temporary.

And I’ve shared much of it with you. This blog has definitely held me accountable. Not only to write on a regular basis. But also to be an accepting of life as it is kind of person. To reflect. To learn. To keep myself inspired. And I’m honestly not always that person, but the blog reminds me to be. And I am so thankful for that. You have no idea.

This blog has seen over 5,300 visitors and 102 entries in the three and a half years I’ve been writing it. This blog has connected me with like-minded friends as well. I know that people are more open and sharing with me because I am more open and sharing with you. This blog has helped me with my career. This blog has helped me become a better writer. And a better person.

But there’s been one thing missing, one thing stuck in my mind. I wasn’t writing the Middle East love story. And I must write it. And in the four years that I’ve found myself as a writer, I have found that I don’t have the personal bandwidth to do both.

So I must pursue a dream. I’m going to make space in my life to write my dream novel by giving up this blog that has meant so much to me. I may come back, but I can’t promise. I have no plans. I may start a new blog, and I’ll let you know about it when I do.

But for now, I hope you will all stay in touch with me. I really value the friendships and connections I have made through this blog. It’s been priceless. Thank you.

Healthy sleep, healthy body, happy family, happy mom

Boy did we have a rough night last night. We're not sure if Aria is teething, had painful gas, or all of the above. My husband and I spent an hour and a half trying to calm her, then of course we had to calm her brother because she woke him up (and probably the whole neighborhood), and then each other so that we could get back to sleep.

She survived. And after a night of being awakened four or five more times (who knows how many really), I woke up exhausted. And in physical pain, once again.

This may sound like hell, and it kind of is. But the good news is that Aria really is typically a great sleeper. That's how we know that the crazy waking up must be something like teething. And it also gives me a chance to re-visit the importance of sleep for a healthy body - and for a happy me.

This is not new news from the mom of the infant twins world. I don't think I'm saying anything new when I tell you that sleep is important to your health; it's a chance for your body to restore physically, emotionally, and mentally.

All that saying, I have to write about this topic. Because I'm just so tired and that's what's on my mind. And because I feel a real difference in my health when I sleep and when I don't sleep.

Here's a brief example: I woke up two days ago with pain in my left hip. Mind you, that's the hip that has healed. I took a nap at around 4 pm. I woke up, and the pain went away!

I desperately wrote our pediatrician an e-mail asking for advice a few months back when the kids were waking up every two hours. I knew I wouldn't make it if we kept going like this.

What I didn't know it at the time, and now do, is that I was taking on a new family project: Get us all to sleep well. She recommended that I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth, which I call 'the sleepy book' for short.

The sleepy book tells us tired, exhausted parents all the reasons why lack of sleep is so detrimental to the health of infants AND adults. Sleep is important for mental alertness, and lack of sleep has been shown to cause fussiness, excited-ness, and an upset baby. It has been linked to attention deficit disorder in older children.

And an Australian sleep study done on adults shows that lack of sleep causes an increase in cortisol – the body’s stress hormone. Cortisol is a hormone that we diabetics are familiar with as it has also been linked to rising morning blood sugars (known as dawn phenomenon) and weight gain. Please check diabetes.org for more information or the links provided in this paragraph.

The sleepy book recommends creating an environment for healthy sleep, which includes: a regular sleep schedule, sleep consolidation - meaning lots of it undisturbed, naps (for children), and sleep duration night and day. His strategies work unless a baby is teething, sick, just received immunizations, or is hungry.

So first there's the schedule: We did this by logging when our kids' natural sleepy times and feedings are and then building a schedule around them. And then sticking to it. The schedule is key. We treat naps as sacred, and we don't keep them awake to play with visitors. Ever.

Undisturbed sleep is also important. Never wake a sleeping baby. Of course this is hard when you are also sticking to a schedule - with twins - but it somehow works itself out on most days. We do wake them up if we need to - mostly because of their feeding schedule, and the sleeping schedule falls into place around it naturally.

Longer night and day sleep results from putting kids to bed when they first appear drowsy. Not stretching them. So when we see Aria starting to slow down or Ethan staring into space, we know it's time for bed. If they're yawning, rubbing their eyes, or getting fussy, it means they're already overtired.

This works for us most of the time. The sleepy book does say that babies start to sleep through the night at around nine months after their due date. So we have some time to go. And I'll tell you, it's not an easy journey. And as everyone told me when this whole thing started, it does get better.

One thing I can say is that I have never been so aware of sleep before. I used to just do it. Now I pray for it and appreciate it when it does happen. I do believe that once the sleeping gets back on track that I'll feel better physically. Healthier and happier. We all need healthy sleep so that we can be healthy and happy. And I hope I will never take sleep for granted ever again...

P.S. I wrote this blog yesterday, Sunday morning, and last night both babies slept the whole night!!! And I slept for nine and a half undisturbed hours!!! I feel better already. My hands feel much better, and my hips do too.

P.P.S. I cannot possibly relay the wealth of information found in the sleepy book. Check out the sleepy book for all of the tips and tricks!

How I’m adjusting to being a mom of twins

I totally freaked out last week. It was my first week alone with Ethan and Aria, who are now four months old. I was curled up on the couch this past Wednesday afternoon much like a newborn baby, whining to a friend on the phone, crying hysterically, and wondering if I’ll ever, ever, ever feel better – make that sane – again.

I am finding a lot of joy in having children, but it’s totally normal to say that raising twins is physically exhausting and emotionally trying. It’s a tall order for just about anyone, and needless to say that having Type 1 diabetes adds a whole other component. On top of taking care of them – which is a pretty big job – I also need to keep the house together, have some semblance of a career, and let’s not forget that I also need to take care of myself.

I’m finding it challenging to make the basics happen: taking a shower, eating, checking my sugars, exercising, sleeping, and going to doctors/filling prescriptions. My days have been starting at 4 or 4:30 am and ending at around 10 to 10:30 pm. And it’s pretty much non-stop. When they rest, I run around and try to get things done before one of them wakes up.

Then there’s the taking care of them part. I have been experimenting with feeding them at the same time, but that can sometimes go really, really bad really, really fast. Hysterical cries, formula all over the place (and vomit on the family room couches), neither child really getting my full attention (which I felt guilty about and was part of the couch hysterics). On top of that, I had to take them to two doctors’ appointments this past week – of course carrying two infant car seats in the pouring rain to and from the car way too many times for my liking. Each of them vomited for two days in a row on different days. And somewhere in there, they vomited on me too. Needless to say, lots of laundry has been done.

I’m not the only one adjusting here of course. The whole family is, and that adds to it all. Aria had to get used to having a brother and not as much of our attention (still working on that one, but getting much better than it was). And of course Ethan was adjusting to being in a totally new environment and routine, not knowing what to expect, and feeling at home and comfortable. Our remedy has been to fill them with a lot of love and consistency. It seems to be working, and they seem to be adjusting nicely so far.

What I realized as I thought about today's blog topic is that the Wednesday curled up on the couch freak-out was a wake-up call. I need to get my act together. I am the boss of this house, at least when Lior's not home. I need to be in control. I need to stay balanced and keep a calm mind. I need to stay present and not make matters worse with my griping. I need to love myself and be confident in what I’m doing. I have no other choice. I need to take care of myself or else who will?

And that’s when things started turning.

During those crazy moments when Ethan, Aria, and I are on edge, I had an epiphany that I should sing songs, which seems to put a smile on everyone’s face at any given moment despite my being a really lousy singer. I have learned to make shorter to-do lists, and I have also learned to let a lot go (a clean and orderly house being one of the more challenging things to let go of, but super hard to get done). I am also streamlining – I found an endocrinologist closer to home and have my first appointment booked. Lior and I have established a bedtime routine that seems to be working really well. Lior and I also spent the first week that Ethan was home organizing and figuring out who would be in charge of what and how we would prioritize stuff to do at home. So that makes things much better.

I have been mindful of savoring the amazing moments - the cuddling, the smiles and coos, and watching them grow and learn. The other day when I was singing songs – to calm the room – Aria started singing with me in her own way. She was smiling and kicking her legs in her chair. Ethan used to cry when we changed his diaper, and now he smiles from ear to ear and calmly waits while I take care of whatever I need to do. How amazing is that?

Also, I'm learning that it’s okay if babies cry. It’s loud, causes stress, and breaks my heart, but it’s still okay if they cry until I can get to them. Yes, I can go take a shower, and if one of them cries, well, they’ll wait for me to get out to take care of whatever is bothering them. Of course, once one starts crying, the other one sometimes does as well, and then it takes me quite some time to calm them down. I suppose this will help them build character. But still, my point is that I can go take a shower whether or not they cry while I'm away.

“Me time” has taken on new meaning. It’s composed of a few hours a week, rather than most of the time. And what that has forced me to do is think really carefully about what I want to spend that “me” time doing. I want to spend that time exercising, spending time with family and friends, writing, reading, and pampering (like getting a haircut or a pedicure).

I have learned to savor the “me time” moments in a whole new way. Lior and I watched a movie together last night! It was only interrupted once, and we watched it together until the end. And I actually took a walk by myself yesterday for thirty minutes, and it was so peaceful. I have learned to appreciate things I used to take for granted in a whole new way.

This whole experience is a real life lesson. Actually it’s all of life’s lessons rolled into one super intense immersion course in accepting what life hands us and making the best of it. And in this case, that means learning the lesson.

So long, NICU…Welcome home Ethan!

Ethan is home! We are all thrilled, and yes, utterly exhausted.

Ethan came home today after a week of final preparations at the hospital for his discharge. Despite an earthquake and a hurricane, we were able to leave the hospital only a day later than originally planned.

There is a lot to say about this entire journey, and I’m sure I’m still processing much of it. There has been a lot to learn - from a medical perspective, as a new parent and a new parent of twins and a new parent of twins who also has Type 1 diabetes, and lots and lots of spiritual/emotional lessons. I have been reflecting for quite some time now on what I can learn from this experience, and here’s what comes to mind as my top five:

5) Be mindful of facts and feelings – at the right time. It’s good to be mindful of one’s emotions, accept and process them. But sometimes, those emotions need to be checked at the door when the time isn’t right. I’m a better listener – and a better mother - when I just listen to the facts, not the feelings, when discussing matters that require my undivided attention – such as a meeting with a doctor. That’s probably true for everyone.

4) The power of prayer. It’s remarkable. But always be mindful of what it is you are praying for, and you will receive abundance in return.

3) Be thankful. Savor each wonderful moment life hands you – and even the not so wonderful ones – and be thankful for them. And be sure to thank God after receiving something you’ve prayed for.

2) Listen to and trust your intuition. I don’t know how many times I left the NICU crying because the doctors painted a dismal picture. But my gut kept telling me that Ethan is just fine or a specific direction to take or a good question to ask. Always trust your gut feelings. They are more often true than not.

1) Trust God/the Universe/or however you may call it. When you trust that the Universe is working in your best interest, forces are moved and set in motion to deliver the best possible outcome to you. It’s true. Really, I mean it. I have found time and time again – during the best and worst of times – that when I trust the Universe, every need I have is delivered in the most efficient and best way possible.

Ethan and Aria are asleep right now. We have music playing in the background. Lior is taking a nap. And I can’t help but think that it’s time to move on and forward. To process everything and finally relax into it. Take a vacation, enjoy life and our kids. We’ll see what the Universe has in mind for us next.

Lessons from the NICU: Getting over the Type 1 diabetic guilt, anger, and other related feelings

It’s time to address the elephant in the room. Is my newborn son Ethan in the NICU (it’s been almost 14 weeks now) because I have Type 1 diabetes? Which I’ve had for over 36 years, very well controlled now but not always so. And I was pregnant with twins; Aria is his sister. And I had them at an “advanced maternal age” as those high risk doctors call it.

If you ask me, the answer is partially yes, but no one will say that definitively. The reason that Ethan is in the NICU is because he was born very, very, very small, and is working on recuperating from things associated with that. He stopped growing at 26 weeks in utero because of negative diastolic flow – which means that the blood and nutrients were flowing out of his placenta rather than into it.

Why did this happen? No one can say for sure. I asked one high risk doctor, and he said: It could be diabetes, but there could be other reasons as well. “We don’t know.” Another high risk doctor told me that it is most likely due to the diabetes and the fact that I was pregnant with twins. It’s quite a lot for a Type 1 diabetic body – who has had the disease for quite some time - to handle, she said.

To be honest, the diabetes theory makes the most sense to me and is the prevailing one in my book.

So that leads us to the emotional side of diabetes and pregnancy: The guilt. The anger. The feeling that life just isn’t fair sometimes. The feeling of responsibility for putting him in the situation he is now. Starting his life out in a hospital with beeping monitors, pricks and prods, tests galore, strangers feeding you in shifts every 12 hours, the whole shebang. He’s just a baby. The nurses try to make it comforting, like home. They hold him, talk to him, and let him play. But still, it’s a hospital. Away from the home he still hasn’t gotten to know and love. Or the family he sees a few hours a week.

This is not what I dreamed of or hoped for. I dreamed of bonding, walks in the park, cute little outfits, and lots of cuddling time. I’ve had all of those things with Aria, and barely with Ethan - only with nurses, doctors, and monitors in the same room.

How do I let go of that? How do I become at peace with what has happened?

Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good and cofounder and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says that mindfulness and focusing on gratitude and kindness are the antidote, as told in Letting Go found in the May 2011 issue of Oprah Magazine. Luskin says that these concepts apply to any disappointment or hurt that any of us has experienced. It does not have to be as traumatic as a newborn child in the NICU. It could be as simple as someone taking your spot in a crowded parking lot.

I did my best to make my pregnancy a healthy one. And it was. My A1C’s varied between 5.8 and 6.1. I exercised as doctors prescribed. I gained a healthy amount of weight. I monitored my sugars and calculated carbohydrates. I visited doctors and listened to what they said. I came out of this pregnancy healthy. Aria came out of this pregnancy healthy as well. We’re thriving.

And Ethan – who was predicted to not even make it – came out of it with some feeding issues, a little small, and a few other things which he has already outgrown. He’ll outgrow the feeding issues as well, and of course, he’ll outgrow being small.

I willingly chose to have children, to get pregnant, despite the diabetes and my age, fully knowing all the risks involved. It’s a decision I made that I do not – and never will – regret. I have two beautiful children, and I love being a mom. I cannot feel guilty for that. And I don’t. Just the opposite: I’m grateful.

Inspirations (and questions) on parenting as a diabetic

Among the many things on my mind at 30 weeks of pregnancy with Type 1 diabetes is what our method of parenting will be.

I think about how I was raised, and how I would like to adopt the traditions and values that my parents passed onto me – while of course creating some of our own. I’ve also been observing all of my friends with kids, taking mental notes, and quite frankly have been very impressed with them. I was also a teacher once upon a time, and learned a bit about classroom management and child/adolescent psychology, and so I’m sure those lessons will come into play as well – such as consistency, how to give constructive feedback, the stages of childhood development, and so on.

I know that we will have our own style that will probably involve building on our own experiences and beliefs mixed with learning combined with winging it.

And of course, there’s the diabetes. There is no doubt in my mind that diabetes will play an instrumental role in how I parent – whether I’m aware of it or not. It simply changes how you do things, your outlook, how you manage life.

As a T1 diabetic, I’m very structured on a day to day basis. Although my heart is that of a creative free spirit, I eat and check my sugars at certain times of the day. That’s just how it is. I had to learn to balance the demands of life with my true passions at a young age, and to be honest still struggle with it sometimes. I’ve also learned to roll with the punches. You never know when you may have a low or a high sugar, and you just have to deal with it no matter where you are or what you are doing. The good news is that I handle crisis situations pretty well – in my own way.

There are also the physical demands of diabetes that will come into play when having twins. What do I do if I have a low sugar while I’m changing or feeding them? My response: I need to handle my low sugar first. Kind of like how on an airplane the safety directions advise you to place the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child. It won’t be much help to the child if I’m passed out.

Another issue that comes with living with diabetes is dependence vs. independence. Type 1 diabetics are insulin-dependent. We need insulin to live. I’ve had diabetes since the age of 3, and so I was incredibly dependent on my parents not only for what normal kids are dependent on their parents for – but also for my insulin shots. Without them, I wouldn’t have survived. I was also dependent on my parents to help me when I experienced low blood sugars, to think about the types of foods I was eating, to make sure I stayed active, to check for ketones when my sugar was high and to dose the right amount of insulin.

At the same, diabetics crave independence. So many of us want so badly to take care of ourselves, show people that we can achieve anything, and not let the diabetes define us.

I know that all of this will influence how I raise the twins. I’m sure of it.

What I don’t know is what it’s like to not have diabetes. But I believe that the lessons of living with diabetes will help make me more aware of and sensitive to whatever our children experience and go through in life.

Mothers want everything to be good for their children. Life isn’t always like that though. I’m sure my parents weren’t thrilled or jumping for joy when they learned that I have diabetes. So it’s my job as a parent to not resist when bad things happen, and instead, help all of us accept that this is what life has dealt. This is a part of the journey. Now let’s see how we can make it the best it can be.

There are so many ways to do this, and my favorites typically involve learning lessons. Using the challenges in life as an opportunity.

True happiness involves discomfort, according to Harvard psychology professor Tal Ben Shachar in his book, Even Happier. “We should remember that going through difficult times can augment our capacity for pleasure: it keeps us from taking pleasure for granted, reminds us to be grateful for all the large and small pleasures in our lives. Being grateful in this way can itself be a source of real meaning and pleasure.” (p. 26)

I definitely agree with this approach, and it’s worked for me. Many people suppress when bad things happen, while I find that it helps to face it, let it out and learn from it. And then I’m able to let go.

Here’s another strategy: I was listening to an inspirational talk show called Positive Living on ION network the other day. A life coach, whose name I can’t recall, advised that when faced with challenges in our lives, observe what questions you are asking.

For example, if you are afraid that your place of employment is downsizing and that you may be a part of it, you may find yourself asking, “What am I going to do if I’m laid off?” “How will I afford things?” As a result of that way of thinking, your brain focuses on coming up with those kinds of answers. You may start thinking of unemployment or worse. And then that energy brings about those results.

Instead, he advised asking, “How can I make the most of the situation?” “What can I do to keep my job?” And then your brain will creatively think of ways to deal with those questions instead, and bring that energy to the situation.

I found this to be a real aha moment for me. It’s all in the phrasing of the question.

As I sit here thinking about becoming a parent, I ask myself, “How can I be the best parent I can be?” “How can I provide my kids with the best life possible?” “How can I manage motherhood and diabetes?” “How can I bring the positive aspects of having diabetes to my kids?”

And the answers will come.

Twin pregnancy, diabetes, and weight gain

Wow, I’m supposed to be gaining weight! How liberating!

With a twin pregnancy, I should gain anywhere from 35 to 50 pounds, according to all the doctors and information out there. I’m at 21 weeks and one day, and I have gained 16 pounds according to my doctor’s scale this morning. Am I right on track?

The fact that I’m supposed to gain weight – and not lose or maintain it – really sunk in one morning during one of my pre-natal work-out videos. I could not help but smile when I heard one of the instructors say: “This work-out is not meant for weight loss. It’s meant to make healthy moms and healthy babies.”

I’m working out not to shed those extra 10 pounds anymore! I’m exercising for pure and absolute health.

I was grinning from ear to ear. It was like a huge load had been lifted off of my shoulders. I have made myself crazy for decades about my body – that I need to lose weight, be thin, and so on. And here I am, the first time in my life, gaining weight – on purpose!!!

After being told to gain weight, I think I felt as though I received a permission slip to eat ice cream, steak, french fries, chocolate, crème brule…I have definitely been indulging in fattening luxuries. It’s for me and the babies. I’m eating for three, right?

Well, I’m not sure. I’ve been receiving mixed messages from my array of doctors. Perhaps I’ve been indulging too much?

I had an appointment with my OB/GYN on Thursday morning and one this morning with my endocrinologist. My OB/GYN said that my weight gain is right on target. My endocrinologist does not necessarily agree nor disagree but does want me to change some of my eating patterns of late. (I can’t really blame him for telling me, “no more ice cream.”)

On the one hand, my blood sugars have been fantastic; my endocrinologist said so this morning. My blood pressure is right on target. I had a twin anatomy and fetal echocardiogram on Monday. The first is a test that determines the growth of the babies and the echocardiogram is performed on diabetics because there are risks of heart problems in diabetic pregnancies. The good news is that the babies’ growth and weights are normal, and their heartbeats are perfect.

But they tell me that the real concern comes in the third trimester. That’s when the babies’ weights can get out of control, and out of control diabetics tend to have bigger babies. We want the babies to have healthy weights so that they make it to term. It gets crowded in there, and having larger babies can cause premature birth. (Please check with a doctor for medical advice on all matters related to diabetes and pregnancy. I’m not a doctor or a nurse, and am merely sharing my experiences.)

So what this all means is that although I felt liberated in the world of eating and began to splurge, I still need to watch my diet. Gain weight in a measured and steady way. For my health and the babies’ health.

Alas, with the weight gain, many body issues have surfaced. My feelings of being fat and huge have only been exaggerated since gaining pregnancy weight. And that little ounce of liberation felt so good.

How can I feel liberated all the time? Whether I’m trying to gain weight for the babies or whether I’m trying to keep a healthy weight when I’m not pregnant? Shouldn’t I always feel good about my body?

This is a big topic for me, I must admit. I think many diabetics go through body issues. How do you love your body when you are told that you need machines, medicine, and doctors to keep it going?

I can’t say that I’m an expert on this topic. I’d say I’m still learning, but I have come a long way from where I used to be. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

Compassion and gratitude are the keys.

There are ways to bring these feelings into your life, into my life. But from my experience, it requires daily work. Otherwise, the old habits and patterns of thought come back very easily. And that's where I think my current lesson is.

Let's start with how I have developed compassion in my life. According to psychologist Dr. Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Patrick Fanning, authors of “Self Esteem”, compassion comes through three steps: understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.

First, you must understand why you feel the way you feel, where you are coming from, how you were conditioned to have those thoughts. In the case of a Type 1 diabetic, it may come from the stress of managing a chronic illness. It also may come from societal expectations, not only magazines with super skinny movie stars on the cover, but also the media discourse surrounding why people become diabetic. Let’s face it: Most media messages say that people become diabetic because they are overweight. And if you just lose that weight, you’ll be cured. Well, that’s not true in all cases, and it’s not true at all for Type 1 diabetics. But we still have to hear repeated messages that say just that on TV – quite often. It’s got to affect our body image, in my opinion.

Second is accepting that we are human, and we are all just trying to survive in the best way we know how. I’m sure you didn’t choose to have diabetes. I know I didn’t. But I have it. And I have a choice – take care of it and myself, or not. Accepting that you have diabetes, or whatever ailment whether physical or emotional, is so crucial to managing a disease.

Third is forgiveness. I used to be my own worst enemy, until I understood and accepted myself better. Then, I learned to forgive myself. That is liberating.

You can work on those three steps through journaling, meditation, talking with a therapist or a trusted friend, and so on. (Please consult with a doctor if you are feeling depressed or anxious. They will know best how to guide you.)

And then there’s gratitude. I started keeping a gratitude journal a year or so ago, after going through the stages of compassion. I write ten things that I’m grateful for most days of the week. It changes my day, and my attitude. Toward myself – and others. It’s really hard to feel bad about your body, or anything for that matter, when you are feeling grateful for them. It is impossible to feel bad about your body and grateful for your body at the same time. The two feelings cannot possibly co-exist.

All of these things, plus listening to doctors, diet, exercise, meditation, and so on, have made me love my body more. And as I said, I still have work to do on this one.

I’m grateful for this pregnancy for making me even more aware of it. I have gotten a taste of liberation, and now it’s time to make it a daily part of my life.

Unplugging in Los Cabos - or at home

Lior and I went on a fabulous get-away to Los Cabos, Mexico last week. We needed to unwind, de-stress, and detach from the pressures of the real world. Although we went on a few excursions (shopping being one of them), our main goal was to unplug.

Los Cabos. Wow, what a beautiful place – desert mountains with steep cliffs dotted with palm trees and cacti overlooking an absolutely gorgeous crystal blue view of the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean. We saw whales, sea lions, marlins, and pelicans during a sunset sailing trip we took one afternoon. There was lots of sunshine, friendly people, and Mexican culture - including tequila, Mariachi, and lots of Mexican dishes – with and without flour.

Of course, it’s practically impossible to completely unplug from all aspects of your life – even when you go to a blissful place like Los Cabos. I will always have diabetes and celiac no matter where I go.

So amidst the relaxation, Lior and I were still deciphering and dissecting menu items to find out if they had gluten (found in wheat, rye, and barley). Thankfully, he speaks Spanish and could tell waiters: “sin harina”, which means without flour. I was still conscious of how much fat, protein, and carbohydrates I was eating. I still made time to exercise – at least a little bit. I still had numerous low and high blood sugars to correct, and I was still packing medical supplies, gluten-free snacks, and glucose tablets.

At times I got frustrated. There were foods that I wanted to try but couldn’t. It would be nice to dis-attach from my insulin pump some times. To not freak out about getting tipped over on a sailing trip for fear that my pump will get wet, and that I’ll have to find a Medtronic supplier to replace my pump pronto. It would be nice to not have to eat glucose tablets while sitting in the middle of a plaza in the 18th century town of San Jose del Cabo waiting for my blood sugars to return to normal. Missing out on 15 to 20 minutes of art gallery hopping.

These parts of my life can be a nuisance, an annoyance, a frustration. I feel like I’m missing out. I’m left wanting.

And then there were other times, when I was staring out at the water for hours at a time, and my mind calmed down. And then I began thinking of how lucky I am. How grateful I am. How I live an incredibly abundant life.

And then I was able to truly unplug. And I was truly happy. Inside and out.

Feeling like a victim or like I’m missing out or wanting things that I hadn’t even thought about two seconds prior – are feelings of the ego. They are not the true me. They are the ego me.

We all have that ego side within us. The ego creates thoughts of either superiority or inferiority based on whatever circumstances are present at the time of that thought. In my mind, during those ego moments, I was inferior because I couldn’t eat a certain kind of food. I wanted something that I couldn’t have.

Our authentic selves, the truest expression of who we are, cannot possibly conjure up those kinds of thoughts. It’s impossible.

And the way to get there is through stillness. I find that I connect with my truest self best through meditation, art, writing, photography and yoga.

And in Los Cabos, I connected with my true self when staring at the water - connecting with nature - and that’s a great way to unplug.

I highly recommend it, and you don’t have to travel far to make it happen. Just find a spot of quiet solitude, preferably with nature – even a potted plant or flowers will do, and take some time to listen to your heart and your breath. And you’ll find your own little get-away. Your chance to unplug.

Happy blog-iversary

I started blogging The Conscious Diabetic a little over a year ago on November 2, 2009. The experience of writing this blog has been incredibly rewarding and I am really excited to share about it with you.

Some bloggers share the amount of visits they’ve had on their blog-iversary (around 2,600), which has its importance. Why write if people aren’t reading? And I actually spent much of the first few months writing this blog very focused on that.

What I've found over the past year though is that I've gained much more than numbers of visitors. This blog has helped me live more consciously – as a diabetic and also as a human being living with diabetes. This has all happened because of you - the visitors. I've gotten to know and connect with many of you and deepened connections that already existed.

As a diabetic…

I went from a 6.8 A1C to a 6.4 over the past year, and I do believe that I have this blog in part to thank. Writing the blog has caused me to reflect on how I care for myself. I pay more attention to diabetic news, and I’m much more aware of what’s happening in the field. I also feel accountable – diabetically as well as consciously – to you. To be a positive voice on maximizing self-care.

I’ve also had the opportunity to meet other bloggers, read their posts, and learn from them – my fellow bloggers in the on-line diabetic community. Bloggers such as Amy T of DiabetesMine, Kelly Kunik from Diabetiliciousness, Scott Johnson of Scott’s Diabetes Journal, Karen of Bittersweet, and Keri Sparling of Sixuntilme have shared their experiences, many times with humor, as well as relevant information, including reviews on new products, that have helped me grow as a conscious diabetic.

I also raised money, for the first time in my life, for the American Diabetes Association Step-Out walkathon. I fundraise for a living, working for a non-profit, but it had never dawned on me before I started blogging to raise money for diabetes. When I received information on the walk, I felt inspired and compelled to advocate for people living with diabetes. Together, we raised $500 for a very good cause, and I’m incredibly proud. Thank you!

As a human being with diabetes…

I have taken accepting my diabetes to a new level. This blog has inspired me, and sometimes forced me, to look at myself and the life I’m living as a lesson, as a way to grow, as a way to be more conscious. So that I have something to write, talk, and share about with you. I’ve gone to meditation and yoga centers, read books and articles, tried acupuncture, journaled, and done all sorts of stuff on the quest to becoming more aware of who I am and accepting what life has to offer. Taking the cards we’ve been dealt – and thriving in it.

I have also met many new people, re-connected with people I haven’t spoken to in a while, and developed deeper connections with those already in my life through this blog. The topics have inspired conversations, e-mails, and comments. It's meant a lot to me, and I hope it continues.

I have you to thank for all of this. You keep me writing, and so you keep me growing. I would not be driven to accomplish all of these things, to try and learn new conscious-inspiring things, if it wasn’t for you, the readers.

Happy blog-iversary to us!

In honor of Halloween: Diabetes, the story of a serial killer

I had a crazy dream last night, which by some might be construed as a nightmare, but by others, quite comical.

I was at home, in the kitchen actually, and I saw a grungy looking man sitting in a chair across from me. The man stared at me, looked at me funny, and then pulled out a knife from his pocket.

And then he threw the knife at me.

I suddenly realized that I was sitting across from a knife-wielding killer, who was pretty slow on the take and not very good at throwing because he missed. And he wasn’t so far away from me.

So I looked for a knife as well and threw one back at him. But I missed. So we simply sat there, quite lazy for two people trying to kill each other, and just threw knives at one another.

The killer eventually got up off of his chair and headed toward me. I realized that I could take out my trusty insulin pen (which by the way, I haven’t used a pen in over five years) and I started dialing up and injecting insulin into the killer’s arm.

But I could only dial up 10 units at a time. So I kept dialing up and injecting, dialing up and injecting, dialing up and injecting.

Until the killer fell into an insulin coma lying still on a reclining chair near the kitchen. He didn’t die though.

I woke up. It was 5 am. And like a well-educated diabetic with over 35 years of experience, knowing that a dream like this meant there may be blood sugar trouble lurking, the first thing I did was check my sugar. 175. I bolused a correction and fell back to sleep.

Alright, so yeah, some of you may be laughing. Some may think I’m weird. Some may be wondering why I would share this with all of you.

This comical nightmare, I believe, is actually a metaphor for the life of a diabetic. My subconscious knows that insulin protects me from harm. That insulin saves me. It keeps me alive. It protects me from the slow, silent knife-wielding killer that is high blood sugars.

The silent killer is slow but persistent just as the streams of high blood sugar are that flow through a diabetic’s body. Pounding away at our bodies, causing immediate and long-term consequences like blindness, kidney failure, heart problems, and so on.

And the only way to protect ourselves – is through insulin.

Perhaps related to my having the insulin dream last night, I read in the October 2010 edition of Diabetes Forecast yesterday that The New York Historical Society is capturing the story of the discovery of insulin in an exhibition that began on October 5, 2010 and will continue through to January 31, 2011.

A diabetic’s fight for life, the struggle with the silent killer, has changed dramatically with the discovery of insulin in 1921. I’m simplifying, but before the discovery of insulin, doctors did not know how to treat diabetes. Patients were often placed on starvation diets with the hope that they would live a few years longer.

I urge us all to be thankful for the discovery of insulin, to put those injections and finger pricks into perspective. Diabetics today, with the proper care, can live long, fulfilling, and beautiful lives.

I believe that my dream is telling me to wake up, check my sugar, and be thankful that I can bolus a correction for a 175 sugar. And to take the time to learn about the past, and put into perspective how far we’ve come. Thank you, insulin.

The art of relaxation - animal style

You may have noticed from my last few blogs that I’m searching for balance, seeking a way to streamline my life, trying to turn negative into positive, and find a way to savor those wonderful moments of freedom.

So, I went to my parents who live by the Jersey shore for the weekend. I was there for family reasons, but also to unwind, relax, and do nothing. De-stress. I spent the weekend going for walks on the boardwalk, reading on the couch for hours, taking naps, and sitting around and talking with family.

I had a relaxing weekend. But I was already feeling down again this morning. So what did a relaxing weekend fix?

Just in the nick of time, I bought Oprah magazine this month, in which life coach Martha Beck approaches the topic in a new way in The Secret to Surviving Life's Low Points.

We all go through ups and downs, she says, the ebbs and flows of life.

Humans are not alone in this adventure though; animals go through ebbs and flows too. The difference between them and us (well besides the obvious) is that when an animal goes through an ebb, they stretch out their paws and rest. Have you ever watched a lion, a cat, or a dog when they are resting? They literally do nothing, all while being present. Examining and listening to their surroundings, stretching their bodies like a good yoga work-out, and napping in between.

They’re meditating.

And then when they wake up out of their funk, they’re ready to play, eat, go for a walk, and have a jolly good time until the next ebb comes again.

We humans feel the need to fix our ebbs, make them better, turn them into something positive, pushing away and suppressing our downs and forcing them to be something they’re not. We tend not to stretch out our paws. Instead, we do other things – positive things that will uplift our spirits, “fix” the problem, make lemonade out of lemons.

Martha Beck advises us to just accept that lemons are a part of life just as lemonade is. The ebbs – just as the flows - are natural. And they’re telling us something.

The issue is that many of us are afraid of the ebbs, Beck points out. A downturn in our lives may be the precursor to impending doom. Facing the fear is the next step, she advises. Turn the fear into appreciation. It is scientifically impossible for fear and appreciation to exist at the same time.

But the real lesson in all of this, after accepting that downs happen and appreciating our lives is to hear the message. Ebbs are telling us loud and clear to REST.

She means really rest. Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like a lion or a bear. Meditate. Just be. Observe your surroundings without judgment. Listen to the sounds. Focus on your breath. Your heart beat. Get in touch with your inner feelings, the sensations in your body, and find the places in your body where rest and relaxation reside. Become attuned to them. Empty your head.

Watching TV, reading a book, and hanging out with friends is not doing nothing. It may seem like nothing because you are not “getting things done”. Those kinds of activities, although may be fun, are really a camouflage. Suppressing whatever is really going on, and perpetuating the ebb so that it resurfaces in another form later.

After a great weekend, I had a mini-ebb this morning. The problems that caused the initial big ebb hadn’t gone away. They were merely suppressed for a few hours.

So I listened to Martha, and I meditated outside. I listened to my breath, to the birds chirping, and looked at the most incredible view of a white moon sitting in the midst of a bright blue sky. I stretched my arms and rolled my shoulders.

I wasn’t seeking to “fix the problem” or get things done or even turn my frown upside down. And what I wound up feeling was pure bliss. I also discovered the root of what’s been eating at me.

Next time I feel down, the first thing I’m going to do – is nothing.

Releasing the trigger finger

A special thanks to my husband Lior for helping me with typing this entry.

I read a book called The Secret not long ago in which author Rhonda Byrne describes the law of attraction. To summarize, the law of attraction tells us that whatever thoughts, feelings or statements we put into the universe come back to us, almost like placing an order with the big catalog in the sky.

While I was reading the book, I encountered little bouts with the law of attraction everywhere I went – at the supermarket, in the car and even in relationships with others. If I was thinking positive thoughts, those thoughts would return to me. And negative thoughts, brought on more negativity.

Of course as time has gone by, the lessons of the law of attraction went back into the cobwebs of my mind. And I’ve been feeling like I’m in a bit of a funky, slumpy place lately. Stuck in a swamp.

Metaphorically, I’ve also been suffering from trigger finger in my right hand up until a few days ago when I had surgery to release the trigger. In layman’s terms, trigger finger is caused by inflammation near the finger’s tendon, making it almost impossible to bend the affected finger. It’s also painful. Basically, you fingers get stuck, and you can’t bend them. I’ve had the surgery five times before. An orthopedist cuts the tendon, releasing the trigger, and fingers return to normal after about two months of physical therapy.

I know the routine and I also know how my hand surgeon Dr. S operates – both literally and figuratively. Everything was going to be pretty much the same except for one thing: This time, I was getting local anesthesia instead of general.

A few days before the surgery, I told Dr. S during an appointment that despite knowing the routine, he can feel rest assured that I would be freaking out.

Dr. S consoled me, “We’ll talk you through it. We’ll even let you choose which radio station you want to listen to.”

I made a mental note, but was still nervous of course.

The surgery was three days later. Lior drove. On the way, I began to think about which radio station I would choose.

“It’s between 95.7 and 106.1,” both are pop rock and dance hit stations, “Well, I am okay with anything but country.”

I made it to the surgery. Waited my turn. The nurses prepped me. After taking my vitals, the OR nurses escorted me to the surgery room. I got up on the table and as I lay down ready to stretch out my arms, I heard it – COUNTRY.

The doctor came in. The nurses were busy placing an incredibly tight tourniquet on my right arm, which is supposed to stop the flow of blood to the arm. And then Dr. S shot my hand with Novocain. Boy did it hurt.

And as I lay there wincing from the pain, feeling the pressure of their surgical movements on my right hand, Dr. S turned to me and said, “Are you a country music fan?”

“Absolutely not, no way,” I exclaimed, “Is someone here a fan?”

“Actually, none of us are. We’d been listening to classical all day. And I don’t know why, but we switched it not too long ago.” Dr. S sounded amazed, as though they had been possessed to change the station by some supernatural power.

Dr. S kept chatting, calming me down, segueing to country line dancing and how he was sure I’d come from Texas and wore a belt buckle. Mind you, this is funny as my name is so Middle Eastern (Israeli actually), and I live in New Jersey.

He did all this while he released the trigger, checked to see if my hand was working, and sewed me up. The nurses removed the tourniquet. With bandage and pain prescriptions in hand, Lior drove us home for a long weekend of my arm propped up on a pillow. No complaints, I’m feeling fine.

The law of attraction ah ha moment came that evening as I told Lior the story of the surgery. Country music. The one genre I had mentioned in the car ride down. The one I didn’t want. And the Universe delivered.

You see, according to The Secret, the Universe doesn’t understand the words: don’t, doesn’t, or didn’t. The Universe understands the vibration of the energy you put out. For example, if you say, “I don’t want a million dollars,” The Universe hears, “I want a million dollars.” (Yes, I’m sending positive energy even as I write.)

If you think thoughts of frustration, anger, loneliness, or fear, then your life will be guided by those principles. But if you think thoughts of abundance, peace, confidence, and love, then that’s the life you will be living.

My trigger finger is released, and I believe that the Universe was also sending a message, telling me how to get unstuck. Through country music, no less. A reminder that what we put out into the Universe is what we receive in return.

Every rose has its thorn...

The media and internet are buzzing with excitement over Bret Michaels' win last night on Celebrity Apprentice. Michaels, lead singer of the rock band Poison, won $390,000 total for his charity, the American Diabetes Association. Michaels has been a Type 1 diabetic for over 40 years, and his daughter was actually diagnosed with the disease as well – while he was taping the show.

I'm very happy for Michaels. He's demonstrated time and again that he is a creative, level-headed, likeable, hard-working rock star – competitive and yet a team player. He is easy to like, relatable to me at least, and I also appreciate the money and awareness he’s raised for diabetes.

So why the thorn?

Michaels suffered from a brain hemorrhage just nine days after undergoing an emergency appendectomy while he was at home in Arizona before the show's finale. He was in a semi-coma and was given a 50-50 chance of survival. Only 20% of people who suffer from a brain hemorrhage actually survive. He says that he survived because he went to the hospital the minute he felt something had gone wrong - which he describes as an explosion in his head. He is still recovering from the trauma, undergoing physical therapy twice a day, and still has pain in his neck and is having trouble walking.

Doctors have told him to take it easy. Even Donald Trump told him to take it easy, that he had been working too hard. Health comes first.

And yet, Michaels is still working hard. He appeared on the live finale last night, on Oprah last Thursday, and I saw him on the Today Show this morning where Meredith Vieira actually asked him why he is working so hard, preparing to go on tour this summer, while he is still recovering from a very serious ailment. The media seems rightfully concerned about Brett's well-being.

Brett’s response: I’m very driven.

My take on it: He doesn’t want his health to hold him back from pursuing his dreams. He’s been in consultation with doctors the entire time, and so we know that he’s very aware and conscious of taking care of his health. He's chosen to push despite some of the advice given to him. He is on a total high right now. He just won Donald Trump’s reality show. The world has his attention. He has raised a lot of money for diabetes. He survived a brain hemorrhage. He doesn’t want to rest and take it easy. He wants to live life to the fullest as best he can.

I can relate to that, and if I could, I would do the same. We never really know when our time is up, and he's seizing the day.

I'm not saying that I would ignore health though. Carpe diem (seize the day in Latin) doesn't mean that you just dismiss what's best for your body. The diabetes – and its related complications, both physical and emotional – has always been about balance. And in this case, it's the balance between pushing forward mentally while your body is telling you to rest.

This balance is a difficult one to find. Diabetes has been a thorn in my side at times. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep pushing or if I should rest. I have sometimes questioned if I can do certain things. But many times, diabetes has driven me to achieve more, do better, and prove that I can do it. It’s driven me to follow my passions and dreams and live every day to the fullest. The thorn has taught me to appreciate all of the wonderful things in my life, and I want to feel alive. You can only do that by living.

Bret Michaels has inspired and concerned me at the same time. He pushes himself against all odds all while he really still needs to be at home recuperating. He has reminded me that I can too, defy the odds, and achieve my goals - while being mindful of my diabetes. The thorn is there, and we can either let it hold us back - or we can use it, nurture it, take care of it, and allow it to push us toward living our lives to the fullest.

My dream team: Our biggest supporters

Dear Conscious Diabetic readers,

I have joined fellow d-bloggers and am participating in Diabetes Blog Week. I will be posting new topics every day this week on living with diabetes. Click here to read my Conscious Diabetic Monday post entitled: Diabetes and loving kindness practice.

Have a great day,
Ophir

For today’s Diabetes Blog Week entry, we have been asked to write about our biggest d-supporter – whether a spouse, family member, friend, or doctor. As Karen from Bitter-Sweet so eloquently phrases: “Sure, our diabetes care is ultimately up to us and us alone. But it’s important to have someone around to encourage you, cheer you, and even help you when you need it. Today it’s time to gush and brag about your biggest supporter.” So here we go!

I am blessed to have it all….

Wonderful parents who have raised me to take care of myself and took care of me as I learned more about how to live with diabetes independently. My mom created yummy sugar-free treats before companies began making them, and my dad took me to get my first glucometer. They walked all over Madrid with me to find a Tab back in the 80s before Diet Coke. They had the wisdom to send me to diabetes camp where I learned to inject insulin for the first time on my own. And they also knew that I would be just fine and encouraged me to travel the globe by myself, live solo in NYC, Morocco, and Israel, and follow my dreams.

An amazing husband who accepts and loves me as I am – pump, tubing, glucometer, test strips, doctors appointments, dietary needs, lows, highs, and all. He is always here for me when I need him, and when I don’t know that I need him. He’s patient when I go low and when I may not be the kindest person to be around. He knows the right thing to say to keep me on track and knows when to allow me to cheat.

My older brother was there for me during some of my worst times and gave me tons of emotional support. He’s always been flexible when I need to go and grab a bite to eat or stop to check my sugars. And he takes interest in learning about the disease, my diet, and how I take care of myself. My mom tells me that he wanted to be a doctor when I was first diagnosed at age 3.

Friends. I think of one friend in particular when writing this entry. She was around during the days when I wasn’t sure if I’d ever fall in love or be able to have children. And she listened. And she cared. And she encouraged me. And she provided me with words that let me know that I wasn’t alone, that I am normal, and that there are plenty of ways to make your dreams come true.

I have a great doctor. We call him Dr. W on this blog. He’s approachable and has really improved my diabetic care. I’ve reached a 6.5 A1C under his care. I’ve cured myself of any remnants of kidney disease and been taken off of two medications that I just didn’t need. He thought to test me for Celiac and now I know to eat a gluten-free diet. He has taught me to be flexible about carbohydrate counting – thinking about the food and how it reacts in my body rather than being pedantic about counting numbers.

I am truly grateful for all of the support I’ve received over the years for living a truly fulfilling life and thriving with diabetes. This entry’s for you. Thank you.

Diabetes and loving kindness practice

Diabetes hands us an array of lessons on living our best lives. One of the most important is that of self-love.

I often bring up self-love in this blog because I truly believe that you need a lot of it to live a conscious, healthy life with diabetes – and actually with any other disease. Let’s face it. You need to care a lot about yourself to put in the effort and the work to get and keep blood sugars balanced and live the life you want to live. This is true for anything in life. And in the case of diabetes, I know from my experience that self-love practice is a complement to the rest of diabetic health management.

I first discovered where I fall on the self-love spectrum in my 20s, but the real change to true self-love began when I was working at a non-profit that developed websites, workshops, books, and other materials on finding peace within oneself. Their motto: “Peace begins within me”. I love their philosophy: Once you are at true peace with yourself, the circles of peace grow and spread creating a more peaceful and harmonious world.

I worked in the kids and youth department, and my job was to manage content for two websites, a few video games, books, and other activities mainly focused on building self-esteem in children. The non-profit itself also ran workshops and websites for adults. Potential adult workshop leaders would lead sessions for the staff to test which included meditation, alternative therapies, and guided imagery sessions. We would typically attend one or two of these test workshops a month.

When I began working at the non-profit, I was far from the type of person who would meditate. In the beginning, I often snickered thinking they were ridiculous. But then I began to see their value as I listened to the lessons they taught. Many of these workshops were planting seeds for my own transformation. And in terms of self-love, one in particular stood out for me - a group loving kindness practice.

We were divided into pairs and asked to face one another. My partner, a very close friend of mine, we’ll call her R, was asked to go first. She was told to repeat the workshop leader’s statements. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes giggling in unison.

“May I be happy,” The workshop leader said.

R repeated, “May I be happy.”

And then the leader continued one by one stating, “May I be healthy. May I be safe from harm. May I be at peace. May I be free from suffering.” And R repeated each one thoughtfully.

“I love me,” the workshop leader stated, “Now hug yourself.”

R did just that. She hugged herself, smiled the biggest smile you can imagine, and sang, “I LOVE ME!”

My face froze as I stared into R’s eyes. Could I do that? Could I stand in front of a group of people and hug myself and sing “I LOVE ME!”

This is how I discovered where I fell – at that time – on the self-love spectrum. I felt my body become tense, and wasn’t sure that I could do what R had just done. I realized that I may not be at the 100% mark on the self-love spectrum.

It was my turn, and the workshop leader told me to state these wonderful wishes for people we know, people who have helped us, people we love. I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get the chance to try it and proclaim self-love in public.

I repeated the workshop leader’s words: “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe from harm. May you be at peace. May you be free from suffering.”

R smiled. But I felt as though I was putting others before myself. As I left the workshop, I decided to make self-love a mission.

Loving kindness can also be practiced solo. I was reminded of this wonderful self-love building Buddhist meditation practice this weekend while reading "Love in Full Bloom" an article found in Yoga Journal’s April edition. Writer Frank Jude Boccio tells us that self-love comes from practicing “The Four Limitless Ones”: loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity.

Loving kindness and compassion can be combined into one practice, and it’s a good place to begin on the self-love journey. Boccio states, “when we practice [them], we start by cultivating a friendly, unconditional regard for ourselves, before attempting to cultivate the same for others.”

Begin by reflecting on your own goodness, a time when you did something good for someone else that was kind, generous, caring, or loving. It can be as simple as opening the door for someone, letting a car go ahead of you at an intersection, smiling at someone on the street, or saying thank you. In addition to Boccio’s suggestions, I also suggest that people with diabetes – or with any other disease – take the time to be grateful for your body, mind, and spirit. Be grateful for your breath, your beating heart, your sense of touch, sight, smell, hearing, and taste, your creativity and intellect, and anything else that arises – where you are grateful for you and who you are.

Then, you can continue with the loving kindness practice much as we did at that workshop that day. Begin by finding a quiet and comfortable place. Follow your breath. And then state: “May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be safe from harm. May I be free from suffering. May I be healthy. May I experience ease.” And feel free to add, “I love me.”

You will know where you fall on the self-love spectrum – and perhaps where you have work to do - if you feel any tension or unease with any of the statements. Once you are ready, begin to extend the same loving kindness to others in sequence: a person who has helped you, a person you love, family, friends, and then to people who are neutral to you – that you neither like or dislike – and then once you are ready, begin to extend the same to people you don’t like or who anger you, and then finally extend the same loving kindness to all humans and creatures around the world.

Through self-love, we live a better life. I know that I have come to a place on the spectrum where I feel blessed for the wonderful life I live, and I can proudly declare in public: I love me. Getting there, like managing diabetes, is a process filled with ups and downs. But it’s worth it.

Click here to read Yoga Journal’s “Love in Full Bloom”
Click here for Sharon Salzberg’s loving kindness audio meditation and transcript.

Holidays as a reminder of prosperity

Lior and I are hosting the Passover seder this year. Passover is a Jewish holiday where families sit around the dining table for hours eating multiple courses of food while telling the story of the emancipation of the Jews from slavery in Egypt to freedom – or rather forty years of life in the desert – but no matter, it was still freedom.

Preparations for the holiday are arduous - from the thorough cleaning and de-cluttering of the home to the changing of plates and eating patterns to cooking delicious meals without any hametz, or leavened bread.

Matzah is a central point of the holiday. As the story goes, Moses worked hard to convince the Egyptian Pharaoh that he should let the Jews go from slavery. The Jews knew that Moses was working on it, and that he planned to take them on a journey out of Egypt to the land of Israel once the Pharaoh gave the go-ahead. The Jews needed food for the trip and so they were in the middle of baking bread when they received word that they had to leave quickly. It happened so quickly that they didn’t have enough time to let the bread rise. And so today, we eat matzah, and not leavened bread, as a reminder of the hardships that the Jews went through for our freedoms today.

I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad this year as I realized that I wouldn’t be able to eat matzah at the Passover table since I have celiac disease, an allergy to wheat, rye, and barley.

Some people love matzah, but I’m not a big fan – it’s dry, breaks easily, and not the greatest for digestion. I was veering away from matzah in the last few years anyway since it makes my blood sugars go really high as well.

But of course, I suddenly began romanticizing the whole concept of matzah probably since I couldn’t have it. This past week I was lamenting over the matzah brie that I wouldn’t be eating (fried matzah usually eaten with maple syrup).

Then, I read a quote in the March edition of Diabetes Forecast: “Focus on what to eat instead of what not to eat.” (p. 16)

A nerve was struck: This reminder came in real handy as I discovered that a box of gluten-free matzah is really hard to find, and when you do, it costs a whopping $30 a box. And it reminded me of what we do have: We did find gluten-free matzah ball mix (made from potatoes). Isn’t the matzah ball soup the best part anyway? But even more than the matzah, we are having multiple courses of absolutely delicious food.

And of course, I couldn’t help but extend that principle to all things – not only food – focus on what you do have, not on what you don’t. Seems like a formula for prosperous living!

So why was I focused on the one thing I couldn’t have? I suppose you can say that it’s human nature. Rather than looking at all the things that we do and can have, it’s natural to think about the one thing we can’t.

Whether you celebrate Passover or not, let’s allow the holiday to serve as a reminder that we are free. We are free to choose our thoughts and focus on the prosperity in our lives!

Finding certainty during uncertain times

What do you know for sure? How does it feel when you know something for sure? That’s the feeling I am trying to capture.

My life has been filled with uncertainty lately between health, family, recession, and so on. And I’d like to change that. While writing this blog post, I remembered that life is always filled with uncertainty, and if this is true, which it is, then staying true to my beliefs, I just need to figure out how to use the uncertainty so that it empowers me rather than sucking the life right out from under me.

When I feel uncertain, I get nervous. My mind fills with clutter thoughts like: What’s going to happen? I then attach possible outcomes to different scenarios, like ‘If I just eat apples and walnuts, then I believe my blood sugars will be okay’ or ‘if I don’t use artificial sweeteners, then maybe I won’t get cancer.’ My body then tightens because I really prefer the taste of peanut butter over walnuts and Splenda over Truvia. I feel angst in my stomach and my shoulders tighten. And I feel that I need a good massage, a vacation, or wine…That feeling of: I just want “to get away from it all”.

Don’t we all feel those anxious feelings of uncertainty sometimes? Although I like a good massage and love vacations, most days that’s not happening, and so I’d like to find a way to go through life feeling like I’m already on vacation – or well, at least feel like I don’t need one.

And this is where the power of choice comes in. Although very little in life is under our control, we do get to choose our thoughts, our words, and our actions to some degree. And our thoughts really do create the reality of our lives. If we choose to be anxious, then we’re anxious. If we choose to be happy, then we’re happy. Using this theory, I can basically wash away the thoughts of uncertainty and replace them with thoughts of trust and knowing. We all can.

So after reading an article by Deepak Chopra this week, I remembered that a good way to do this is to focus on the feeling of certainty, the feeling of knowing something for sure. How does that feel like to you?

For me, I know that really knowing something for sure – and I’m talking about something that isn’t under my control – I get a gut feeling. I just know it, and I can’t describe it in words. It’s just the opposite of that tension I feel in my stomach when I’m nervous and filled with mind clutter. There is a feeling of spaciousness, a feeling of joy, and it stops me in my tracks. I sense a connection to greater purpose and presence, and the more I have practiced it, the more I have become attuned to it. And as a result, I have experienced greater certainty, knowing, and trust in my life.

Deepak writes that life is meant to progress. He’s right. At one point in my life, I didn’t know where I would go to college. But after doubts, questions, research, applications, visitations, waiting, and some more waiting, I did get into college, a good one actually, and I had a great time, met wonderful friends, and oh yeah, learned a whole bunch. And now I know that life does progress, questions are answered, and hopes can become certainties. At later points in my life, I didn’t know that I would be able to get my A1C below a 7, or that I would get married, or that I would find a good job, but I did and I have. And looking back, I realize that all of those times were also filled with the anxieties too during the process of getting there.

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we just trusted the process to begin with? If we just trust that everything does resolve, answers do surface, and more often than not, situations work out for the best, wouldn’t life be so much happier, less stressful, and more vacation-like? We can use that mind energy toward other things – like being creative, exploring, learning, taking action. The point is that once we trust that life is meant to progress, then we can lead our lives with greater certainty during those challenging times that seem insurmountable. And we can apply those feelings of certainty and knowing every step along the way.

I am not saying that I have mastered trust during uncertain times, not at all. I’m learning. Just as in life, finding certainty during uncertain times is a process. What I have learned though is that I can trust the process because life progresses. And I know this for sure. I’m certain of it.

To delve deeper, click here to read Deepak Chopra’s article entitled, “Learning How to Live with Certainty in Uncertain Times” on Oprah.com. Chopra provides a certainty to-do list on page 2 which I personally enjoyed.

The ups and downs of transforming negativity into positive stuff

I am in training – ‘calming the mind’ training – and am practicing taking delight in its ups and downs.

You may remember from my last post that I am on a goal driven, applied Buddhism kick lately. I am in fact putting into practice last week’s lessons on calming the mind and transforming negative into positive, while also listening to more Buddhist teachings. Now I’m listening to teachings by Pema Chodron during my commute where she talks about how calming the mind has its ups and downs.

Pema Chodron is the first female, Western Tibetan Buddhist monk and is just really great at applying Buddhist philosophies for Western audiences. In her teachings, Pema says that there will constantly be ups and downs with everything in life. She continues to say that by being mindful and then taking delight during the ups and the downs, you can live life more fully. So in other words, when a down occurs, be present, feel whatever feeling arises, and you can take delight by being thankful that you have the wisdom to do that. This method is easier when an up occurs, but it's still important to be mindful when good things happen. Be sure to rejoice during the ups and be thankful for those uplifting moments!

So as I wrote last week after my visit to the Buddhist meditation center in Lambertville, I am trying to apply all of these teachings to real life. I am starting by training my mind to stay calm with something relatively small that I know triggers samsara, a repetitive circumstance that triggers aggravation or disharmony.

I chose all things traffic-related. Merging onto highways really stresses me out because I lost some of my peripheral vision when I was 19 years-old as a result of diabetic retinopathy. Although I do have some vision in my right eye, it is very limited and fuzzy. Although I manage, I do get nervous while driving. I am scared of killing myself or getting into a car accident or hurting someone else.

The thing is: Our minds are able to think about and do many things at the same time. Yes, I can drive AND listen to music AND sing AND think endlessly about whatever mind chatter exists at the moment AND be nervous AND scared AND trigger samsara AND merge. What I'm not doing is being present.

So on my first day of ‘calming the mind’ training, I shut off the car radio at around 8:55 am. I approached the highway entrance and turned the wheel with the course of the ramp. I inhaled and exhaled a couple of times. I turned my head to the left to see if any cars were approaching. I saw a car driving quickly and realized that I would have to merge after he passed. I assessed where the lanes begin and end. I sped up and merged after the first car and before a car that was following after him.

I’ve merged well before (or else I wouldn’t be here, right?), but this time I was fully present while doing so and only a little nervous. I was present while merging and so the nervousness didn’t have the space or the room to implode.

There are ups and down to this process though. Samsara is a repetitive circumstance that triggers aggravation, right? That night, on the way home, I was nervous and didn’t merge so smoothly. I cursed the short ramp and the heavy traffic, and then I noticed that my mind was filled with clutter. I began to inhale and exhale frantically, but by then it was too late, and I was sitting on the ramp at full stop praying for an opening. And then it came; a car moved to the middle lane providing me with space to move.

So I’m not transforming overnight; it’s a process. Amazingly enough, I listened to Pema Chodron immediately after that experience, and it put it all into perspective. The ups and the downs are totally natural and are there as a lesson - to be mindful and take delight in our wisdom.

Some days I am able to merge with calm mind and rejoice with a “YAY!” in my car. And yes, I go back to cluttered mind two seconds later. But I’m aware of it, and I am grateful that I have the wisdom to notice both. So, I shall try again tomorrow. I’m in training, after all.

My thoughts on Oprah’s show on diabetes: Part 2

Last week’s blog entry was on Oprah’s show on diabetes. Many in the Type 1 diabetic community were angered, hurt, and/or upset by the show, including me, and I left you last week saying that I would use the show as a lesson in awakening.

“Hopefully, it will leave us all inspired.”

Just to recap: There were two main points that upset me and my fellow Type 1’s.

1) Dr. Oz presented inaccuracies regarding diabetes. First, Dr. Oz claims that Type 1 diabetes is a genetic disease, but although I am not a doctor or medical researcher, many of us in the diabetic community know that this is not necessarily the case. There are plenty of Type 1's out there who do not have any Type 1 diabetes in their family history. He also stated that Type 2 is a product of lifestyle, which again is not always the case. Lifestyle is an important component of both types of diabetes, but it may or may not be the whole cause for Type 2. There are many Type 2's out there that live a healthy lifestyle, but triggered the disease through genetics.

Dr. Oz also claimed that we Type 1 diabetics don’t make “enough” insulin, but actually, the key is that we don’t make any insulin. Then, he claimed that 90% of diabetes is reversible through lifestyle, but did not point out that this is only the case with Type 2 diabetes. Type 1 diabetes can be managed through lifestyle, but this disease is not reversible. And as Kelly Kunik states in Dear Oprah & Dr. Oz- The Diabetes Show- Major FAIL, these statements only perpetuate the stereotypes that diabetics are the makers of their own fate. Thank you, Kelly, for pointing that out!!!

2) Drama with inappropriate follow-through – the part that bothered me the most. As I wrote last week, “Dr. Oz visited a 44-year old woman in the hospital with Type 1 who had had both of her legs amputated and was undergoing kidney dialysis. It was painful to watch.”

Dr. Oz prodded the woman to share her feelings, and I believe that we were all in tears and/or fearful that it might happen to us. Yes, this is a wake-up call, and a much-needed one. “But then, after watching this woman with Type 1 diabetes crying with two legs gone, we the audience were informed that the show would actually focus on Type 2 diabetes. Why? Good news, 90% of the diabetic cases can be prevented. I felt slighted.”

What about us, the Type 1 diabetics? As Kelly Kunik also stated, why didn’t they show a Type 1 who is living a healthy, vivacious lifestyle as a result of self-care and proper management after showing the woman with amputated legs? How about Halle Barry, Nick Jonas, or the Type 1 diabetes cycling team?

And herein lies the reason for writing The Conscious Diabetic. I must use this show, this statement of fear and anxiety, for awakening.

The first step I took was to really diagnose what was bothering me about the show. Forget about the responsibilities that Oprah and Dr. Oz have as conveyers of the Live Your Best Life message. What really, really, really bothered me about the show irrelevant of what they should or should not have done?

For me, that was the case of the woman with amputated legs. They left us hanging, and didn’t make us feel better about the severity of complications involved with mistreated Type 1 diabetes.

It’s actually quite simple: Watching the woman with amputated legs undergoing dialysis reminded me of my own vulnerability, my own likelihood of winding up the same way. I don’t want to think of myself as potentially hooked up to a machine without my legs. Who does? But it is an underlying fear of diabetes. There is no way around it. That fear is there, festering quietly, and we typically choose not to discuss or think about it. By bringing it to the forefront, we can use it as an opportunity to listen to our bodies, our authentic voice, and through awareness, we can accept that the fear is there and take inspired action.

The problem is that when I saw the show, I started to think about all of the times I have eaten the wrong thing, and wound up with high sugars, then low, then high again. And I ate those things knowing very well what the consequences may be. I beat myself up for not taking care of myself, and forget to applaud the times that I have taken care of myself.

So yes, the show is a huge wake up call, and a scary wake up call. Maybe that’s not only what I needed, but maybe all of us needed it, even the non-diabetics? The mistakes that Dr. Oz and Oprah made only drew greater attention to the problem. It forced me to look at it more closely, as does this blog.

So what to do with this fear now that it’s out there in the open? There’s only one thing to do: Face it. I accept that the fear is there, and I choose to take inspired action. So, I am setting an intention here today. And I will do my best to act on it – every moment of every day.

FYI, Deepak Chopra talks about the Law of Intention in the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I highly recommend this book. So, with the guidance of our friend Deepak, I set my intention for managing my self-care, and you know what? My intention is to live a long, healthy, balanced, and fulfilling life.

What is one step I can take to do that? As it pertains to me, it means eating a healthy diet all of the time, not just most of the time. How can this be an inspired action? Take a breath before each bite, be thankful for the food I eat, and be present while eating.

I don’t know if I may wind up with foot ulcers and the need for amputations, and I don’t know if I’ll wind up still doing yoga and going for walks at age 85. I hope for the latter. I don’t know if I will wind up with kidney problems, but I actually reversed some kidney damage diagnosed when I was 21 through proper diet and exercise. The past is already behind all of us, and we can't change it.

So, the only thing that I can focus on is right now. And so I ask myself: Is there anything wrong at this very exact moment in time? Nope, everything is just fine. Actually, it’s great.

Abundance when you least expect it

Opportunities exist all around us to feel abundant, and they happen when you least expect it.

I went down to my parents in South Jersey this past weekend. My mom, a retired teacher, was being honored among her other retired colleagues at an evening event.

That afternoon, out of the blue, or perhaps more literally out of the gray sky, eight inches of snow fell on the little island town where I grew up. No one expected it; maybe an inch or two was expected at most. Neither my husband nor I brought the right shoes or coat, and no one had salted the driveway or roads prior to the storm either. And as the snow kept falling, we began thinking that maybe we shouldn’t go at all.

Sure enough though, when you least expect it, help arrived. The phone started ringing. It was her old friend and colleague. She was going to the event despite the snow, and she lives an hour away! (We live five minutes away from where it took place.) My parents lent us shoes and coats, and my husband along with all the neighbors went outside to shovel the path. My husband drove and dropped us off at the front door so my parents wouldn’t have to walk through the snow. We made it to the event, in time, and so did over 100 other people.

Despite the challenge of getting there, we had a great time! We saw old friends, met new people, heard great music, and were touched by the words of what former students had to say about their teachers.

This may seem like an ordinary story, or perhaps not worth even mentioning. But I am. Why? Because we can find so much goodness in this every day story, which quite frankly would cause most to complain - including me.

If it hadn’t snowed, would I have realized how helpful our neighbors are? Would my husband have been called gallant by at least five people that evening? Without that help, would I have had fun conversations with old and new friends? Would my mom have received the honor of being honored for over 30 years of hard work and dedication?

Just a simple story, yes, of everyday life, which at first may seem annoying, painful, worth a complaint or two, or even too mundane to even speak of. But within these ordinary life circumstances, there are also opportunities to show us all the goodness and riches in our lives. They give us an opportunity to feel abundant.

And they happen when you least expect it.