How to deal with those really challenging moments

It's 4:50 am, and my son is spitting up bloody mucus. All over the crib, himself, and probably on me too. He's crying hysterically, turning bright red, gagging, and clearly in lots of pain. He stares at me, tears rolling down his face, with that look of, "Please save me," but I have to grab cloths and a decompression tube to clean out his tummy from all the toxins in his body. That's what helps him feel better the fastest.

And I'm tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Especially because I myself was up vomiting the night before and had a fever all night long. One of those stomach flus that's been going around. On top of all this, I also started a new job two weeks ago. So I've been going through the typical mommy guilt and anxiety around leaving my kids in someone else's care. All day long. With not much of an idea of what's going on, and not much time in the day to check in.

And trying to keep up with it all. Making sure the kids are doing well. Making sure I'm doing well. Making sure work is going well. Making sure the house doesn't fall apart in the meantime. Oh yeah, and I'm married too, by the way. Fun, you ask, rest? Ha! What's that? The blog - once every two weeks - my therapy.

And I'm trying so hard to focus on helping my son at now 4:55 am. And I'm wondering, well, actually, I'm crying, "How are we going to get through this?"

And then I look behind me to see how Aria is doing. And she is staring at Ethan and me through her crib as she usually does when he has a bad episode, pacifier in mouth, and smiles from ear to ear when she sees me looking at her. I smile and give the moment a motherly, "shhh, go back to sleep, sweetie". And then I look back at Ethan, and he's kicking and smiling.

All better. The moment has passed. Time for me to clean up and try to get a few more minutes of sleep before getting up to get ready for work. I crawl back into bed - not really sleeping - until the alarm goes off.

I decide to e-mail my friend, a very spiritual and insightful person, in the early AM, and after a recap, I ask her: "How am I supposed to not go crazy from all of this?"

She must have written her reply while I was getting my breakfast together, "I think this is a lesson in stripping ego. Approach each moment with love."

I sit down with my yogurt and fruit. I also sprinkle in some flax seed and gluten-free granola. And I'm thinking, "How am I supposed to approach a 4:50 am nasty vomit session with love?"

So I respond to my friend, truly seeking her perpetual wisdom, and she says, "Honestly, I have to be authentic with you. I have no idea. I'd be annoyed."

Our situation has even stumped my friend who is one step away from enlightenment, and I go about my morning routine feeling miserable. Finish breakfast, brush my teeth, and go up to get the kids ready for the day.

And yes, I'll admit: I'm grunting, and I'm complaining - on the inside - about everything.

And then I see my kids. And yes, I'm sure you already predicted: They're smiling. Playing in their cribs. Happy to see me. And I can't help it. I just can't help it. Despite my misery, I smile back. And yes, actually, start singing songs. And chatting with them about whatever it is I chat with them about. Usually I give a running commentary on what we're doing. But sometimes I talk about how the cow goes "moo" and the train goes "choo choo", which is my son's personal favorite. And sometimes I sing sappy tunes for Aria, because they make her eyes sparkle.

I take them downstairs and start their breakfast until our nanny (who is great, by the way) shows up. And I'm sure you are thinking: I'm not going to feel bad for a person with a nanny. And I'm not asking you to. We need her. And where there's a will, there's a way.

Our nanny, a deeply spiritual and religious woman, rings the bell and after taking one look at me, asks if I can take the day off to rest. I can't. New job and all, I tell her.

And then she tells me that she's going to pray for us. She is going to pray for me. She is even going to have Aria bless me.

And then she says, "Do you want to know what makes me so successful at what I do? Why I have such a gift with kids?"

I'm listening.

"I approach each moment with love." There she said it. Exactly the same message my friend told me an hour or two before.

My heart got so warm and full of love in that moment. Is a message being sent to me from a Greater source? Could be. I know so. The coincidence was too real, too soon, too exact, and felt too good to hear - to not think it was a special message sent to us from Above.

The message: Even those seriously crappy moments, that seem to have no redeeming quality at all, can be approached with love. Must be approached with love. Are to be approached with love. Not sure why. Not sure how. And not so sure I'm supposed to be able to analyze it. Cause that's just what it is. And I knew I had to share it.

Stressed out and loving it

What’s stressing me out, you may ask? Well, besides being totally tired from taking care of our newborn twins Ethan and Aria, I am also dealing with my own health issues since having the babies (nothing serious, but still not something you wish for; more on this later), Ethan’s health needs resulting from his very low birth weight (and the team of doctors that we need to see), the economic situation (otherwise known as, “now it’s my turn”), getting stuff done (i.e., the bane of my existence: to-do lists), and still adjusting to this whole thing we call motherhood (and figuring out how to remain sane).

I was telling my husband about it, crying and complaining like crazy. I even made a list of all the things that are stressing me out and sent it to him by e-mail – just to show him how really stressed out I really am.

His response: “Everything will be okay. Things always work out. Look at where we are now. We live a good life.”

That of course is the perfect answer. What else would you tell someone when they’re totally losing it? “Uh, yeah, it’ll only get worse.”

But then he pointed out to me all the things that ARE going well in our lives. And he pointed out to me how we’ve been through tough times in the past, and everything always worked out for the best. And everything always works out at the right pace and at the right time.

I listened to his words, and felt inspired to work out my stress through yoga a few minutes later – remembering how therapeutic it is for me. I believe from my own experiences that we hold stress in our bodies which if unattended to can turn to illness. Yoga is the perfect way to let it go. Stretching, sweating, building strength and balance. Yoga gently moves you to become present.

And that’s when it hit me: I am the creator of my stress. Me and only me. My list of stressors really has no meaning. I attach the meaning to it. I choose how to perceive the stress in my life. I could revolutionize the whole way I perceive stress, and look at the same things that are stressing me out as adventurous and exciting. As opportunities to grow, learn, and live life more fully.

I have these amazing kids who are just so much fun. I have always worked out my health issues in the past, and I will this time too. And career/economic situation – totally an opportunity to re-invent myself and follow my dreams.

As for the health stuff, it really deserves its own blog. But to make it brief: I have some health stuff that came around after the twins were born – mostly inflammation in my joints. I’ve had this before, and I know how to take care of it. I’ve overcome inflammation in the past through yoga, diet, and meditation. I can do it again.

Everyone goes through stress in one way or another. Use it. Take advantage of it. Awareness of your stress is a way to learn more about yourself, what makes you tick, and then turn it around to live more fully. It’s up to me and only me to turn my stress around. Here we go...

Getting over “oh poor baby”

Worried sick. That’s what I’ve been. Picking him up at every whimper to coddle him. He needs extra loving care. He is traumatized by everything that’s happened to him. Oh, poor baby.

Those are definitely the thoughts and language that I’ve been using when talking about Ethan since he stopped growing in utero at 26 weeks and was born very, very, very small. And then spent three and a half months in the NICU (newborn intensive care unit).

He’s doing great now. He’s been home for three weeks and thriving. Yet, I have definitely had those “oh poor baby” thoughts despite all of this. Despite the doctors telling me that he looks great. Despite the dramatic improvement in how our son interacts with us and his sister.

I came to realize that the “oh poor baby” mentality is not fair to him, or his sister for that matter, this weekend when he was crying hysterically.

Well not to confuse everybody, but the "ah ha" moment actually started because of Aria. (I'll get back to Ethan's freak-out session in a minute.) She's been really fussy lately. Rebelling, perhaps? And I was wondering what's going on with her. Is it normal baby stuff like gas, hunger of tiredness? Or is she wondering why she's not the sole center of attention anymore? So I asked Lior, "Am I treating them differently?"

I realized that I was. When Aria is fussy and needs to be held, I say to myself, "Oh she needs a swaddle and a pacifier. I'll pick her up and hold her." When Ethan cries, I frantically wonder "Oh my God, what's wrong with him? I don't know what to do. Is he okay? What do I do? What do I do?"

And in that moment when I was freaking out because Ethan was freaking out (and Aria was burying herself in her swaddle to drown out the noise), I realized that I wasn't helping him by freaking out and imposing on him the "oh poor baby" mentality. "He needs to be treated differently."

It dawned on me that I am really not helping him (or myself) emotionally either. I'm the mom. He is four months old. He needs me, just as she does, to take control of the situation and figure out how to help him. And not to freak out, because then they will freak out. A cough is just a cough. A sneeze is just a sneeze. A vomit is just a vomit. And a cry is just a cry. Just as I treat Aria when she's upset. Like a normal baby. That's all.

With that moment of clarity, I reached for a pacifier and a swaddle, and I picked him up. And I realized that I am judging him unfairly - and unjustly for that matter. Babies are incredibly attuned to the energy we send them. I see this unfold every single day. The babies read my energy and respond in turn. And my own insecure thoughts, and even worse, the "oh poor baby" ones, can hinder his ability to thrive. To become self-sufficient. To grow and develop.

And it's not fair to Aria either. She's been telling me this for weeks now.

I realized that I needed to process everything that had happened with the pregnancy, the birth, and the post-partum period, accept it, and let it go. I believe I’m there now, and I am already seeing changes - big changes - over the weekend and this morning.

Here’s how I am doing it: First, I became aware and mindful that I was projecting judgmental thoughts and feelings. I didn’t blame myself or feel bad about it. I simply became aware and set an intention to change it, to turn it around. Next, I meditated on changing my thought patterns. I consciously became aware of my thoughts while feeding both Aria and Ethan. And I mindfully focused on non-judgment. I kept repeating the words: “Non-judgment, non-judgment, non-judgment.” And I automatically, you could even say intuitively, became present. I began focusing on my breath and on how grateful I am. I felt this incredibly healing, positive energy come over me. And I exhaled. It was great. A moment to savor. They were both eating vigorously, and they both looked content.

And then suddenly, with my mind clear of clutter, I began to notice a change in him. He was growing before my eyes, smiling, eating more, crying less. I saw that he is thriving. He could very well have been doing this all along, but I finally saw my son – as he is – for the first time. A healthy, thriving baby.

I am going to continue practicing presence and gratitude with both Ethan and Aria, especially while feeding them. And I will continue to be mindful of not judging them. Accepting them for who they are.

And I’m starting to realize that my children are teaching me incredibly valuable lessons that are helping me grow in my relationship with myself and with others. Perhaps if I begin to perceive myself with non-judgment, I will thrive more and more. I will see myself for who I really am and live my authentic self more naturally. And perhaps by practicing non-judgment with myself, it will be easier to practice non-judgment with others, and then those relationships will flourish and people will have the space to feel like they can be truly authentic with me.

I'd say that that’s a pretty good goal. Be with myself and others in non-judgment, with presence. I have a feeling that this isn't the last of the lessons that Ethan and Aria will teach me over the years. But I'm savoring this one for now.

So long, NICU…Welcome home Ethan!

Ethan is home! We are all thrilled, and yes, utterly exhausted.

Ethan came home today after a week of final preparations at the hospital for his discharge. Despite an earthquake and a hurricane, we were able to leave the hospital only a day later than originally planned.

There is a lot to say about this entire journey, and I’m sure I’m still processing much of it. There has been a lot to learn - from a medical perspective, as a new parent and a new parent of twins and a new parent of twins who also has Type 1 diabetes, and lots and lots of spiritual/emotional lessons. I have been reflecting for quite some time now on what I can learn from this experience, and here’s what comes to mind as my top five:

5) Be mindful of facts and feelings – at the right time. It’s good to be mindful of one’s emotions, accept and process them. But sometimes, those emotions need to be checked at the door when the time isn’t right. I’m a better listener – and a better mother - when I just listen to the facts, not the feelings, when discussing matters that require my undivided attention – such as a meeting with a doctor. That’s probably true for everyone.

4) The power of prayer. It’s remarkable. But always be mindful of what it is you are praying for, and you will receive abundance in return.

3) Be thankful. Savor each wonderful moment life hands you – and even the not so wonderful ones – and be thankful for them. And be sure to thank God after receiving something you’ve prayed for.

2) Listen to and trust your intuition. I don’t know how many times I left the NICU crying because the doctors painted a dismal picture. But my gut kept telling me that Ethan is just fine or a specific direction to take or a good question to ask. Always trust your gut feelings. They are more often true than not.

1) Trust God/the Universe/or however you may call it. When you trust that the Universe is working in your best interest, forces are moved and set in motion to deliver the best possible outcome to you. It’s true. Really, I mean it. I have found time and time again – during the best and worst of times – that when I trust the Universe, every need I have is delivered in the most efficient and best way possible.

Ethan and Aria are asleep right now. We have music playing in the background. Lior is taking a nap. And I can’t help but think that it’s time to move on and forward. To process everything and finally relax into it. Take a vacation, enjoy life and our kids. We’ll see what the Universe has in mind for us next.

Parenting as a lesson in presence

“Why didn’t I have kids when I was younger? I am too old for this! Too old! There’s a reason why people have kids when they’re younger!!!!!”

Yup, I said it. I actually cried those exact words at 4 am about two months ago.
Aria was about three weeks old, and she had woken up to be fed...at 3 am. Well, she had also wanted to be fed at 9 pm, 11:30 pm, and now at 3 am. She would probably wake up again at 5:30 am, her favorite morning wake-up time.

I stumbled around the house to get her bottle, and fed her as I always do in the middle of the night. Somewhat zombie like. She is a really good eater, a champion, but back in those days, she had trouble going back to sleep after a feeding.

I felt helpless trying to figure out how to get her to sleep.

We thought she may have day/night confusion. It very well could have been. We spoke with nurses and doctors. I read books about healthy sleep for baby. She would cry and cry and cry. We thought it may be colic. But she was fine as long as either Lior or I held her.

I didn’t know all the ins and outs of newborns yet. I didn’t realize that gas and poop actually hurts them and can keep them awake until it passes. I didn’t realize that babies need swaddling, swaying, soothing, sucking, and sounds to help them fall asleep. I didn’t realize that they need to be held and loved to sleep soundly. I was a newcomer to the world of parenting, and my mind was not letting me ease into it gracefully.

And I really, really, really wanted to go to sleep! No, wait, it’s more like I needed to go to sleep. Not only is sleep important for all humankind, but I also needed to keep some level of sanity during a very stressful time. We have one newborn at home and the other at the NICU (Newborn ICU). I was also recovering from a c-section, managing Type 1 diabetes, and adjusting to a big change in lifestyle. I was really losing it, and I needed sleep to help keep my inner peace.

The next night after the “I’m too old” cry, I prayed. Boy did I ever pray. I prayed for sleep. And then I heard the words: Presence. Be present with her.

So I tried it out. I swaddled her tightly after her 3 am feeding (in a Velcro swaddle, a parent must-have), held her, rocked her, and placed a pacifier in her mouth. And I watched her. Smiled at her. And did my best to be present with her.

And she smiled in return.

I asked her: Aria, what do you need to fall asleep? And I heard a little voice inside my heart say: Love.

I rocked her for ten or fifteen minutes, and I was present with her. And she fell soundly asleep and has been every night after the 3 am feeding ever since.

Newborns are so pure. Their minds have not been encumbered by the world yet, by our mind’s chattering. And Aria constantly reflects back to me whatever she can sense in me. If I’m frustrated or angry, she cries. If I’m upset, she’s upset. If I’m smiling and loving, she is too. Newborns are a mirror to our own souls, our own hopes and fears. And they are an incredible lesson in presence, mindfulness, and intention setting.

This lesson is definitely one that translates to relationships with other people as well – adults and kids included. People want to be heard, and they can sense when they’re not. Or when you are judging, frustrated, happy, and/or loving. I have often felt that when I enter a conversation with someone else that I bring my energy, my sense of self, my intentions, and my state of mind at that moment. If I bring clarity and compassion, then I find that the person across from me responds in a similar way. If I smile, they smile. If I am agitated, they become agitated or become even more so.

I set an intention before Aria and Ethan were born to be present with them, to listen to them, smile at them, and to let them know they are loved and they are heard. I do the best I can, and I’m not always there. Sometimes they remind me with a whimper, a smile, a coo, or a cry. And then I remember that the best I can do is be there with them – through it all.

Twin delivery at 34 weeks – a mother’s intuition

I haven’t written in a while. A lot has been going on. Yes, that’s right. I have BIG news. Baby boy Ethan Joseph Busel and baby girl Aria Jordan Busel were born on May 11, 2011 at 9:23 and 9:24 am respectively.

And here’s why I haven’t written since April...

My pregnancy became complicated at around week 26. I am fine. Diabetes is fine. Actually, I saw my endocrinologist last week and he said, “Your diabetes is so well-controlled that you are on auto-pilot despite being completely pre-occupied.” My last A1C was 6.1, and my blood pressure and other tests are fantastic. Yay for me.

The kids, actually Ethan, were having problems though. Ethan’s placenta had negative Doppler flow, which means that blood and nutrients were flowing out rather than in. His growth stopped at week 26. He was born very small. I mean very, very, very small.

We were told he wouldn’t make it. And we had a decision to make: deliver early in an attempt to save him – putting them both at risk - or prolong the pregnancy as long as possible hopefully giving her a better chance. He would be at risk for survival no matter what, according to the doctors.

We were told the risks of delivering at different stages during the pregnancy. If we delivered anywhere before 32 weeks, they would both be at serious risk for brain, heart, and lung malfunctions.

The day we found out that Ethan might not make it, we cried. Oh did we ever cry. The decision was really difficult. When should we deliver? What is the best date so they both make it? Healthy???

After a lot of deliberation and meetings with doctors, multiple ultrasounds, we decided to push the pregnancy as long as possible. Lior wanted to deliver at 32 weeks. The high risk doctor tried to push us to 36 weeks. My woman’s/mother’s intuition told me 34.

I was still questioning that little voice I heard until my OB/GYN told me 34 as well. Confirming my feeling with his medical experience. A c-section was scheduled.

The little voice was really a whisper, a very clear whisper. I heard it during one of our doctors' meetings at around week 28 or so. We were talking about our options for delivery. And I heard "34" loud and clear. I know when I hear a clear intuitive whisper because it makes me stop in my tracks. I normally would have been hysterically crying, but instead, I stopped, listened, and even smiled. I knew I had been given guidance. I believe it was divine guidance, but who knows.

I was monitored very closely for the last eight weeks of my pregnancy. I went for ultrasounds two to three days a week – never knowing if there would be two heartbeats or not, but believing with all my heart and soul that there was.

And Ethan kept kicking. I could feel him moving. Actually I felt him moving more than she. He would twist and turn – pushing on my ribs, pressing on my bladder. She flittered a bit, but nothing painful. I actually started worrying about her too. The ultrasounds were reassuring me about her, and every kick and every push was a God send regarding him. It reassured me that he was going to be okay, and I felt deeply with all my heart that he would make it.

The weeks passed. My doctors decided to send me out on maternity leave – to lower the risk of delivering early.

May 11th rolled around, and I went into the c-section a nervous wreck. Not only because of the surgery, but also because of the outcome. What would happen? Will he be okay? Will she be okay? Will I be okay? Honestly, the experience was traumatic, yet thrilling. I was about to become a mom! But this wasn’t at all how I imagined it being.

The doctor was in the midst of injecting the epidural (painful), when the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) doctor came over to me, with her piercing blue eyes and said, “You know your son might not make it?”

“Yes, I know,” I growled.

Sheesh, what timing. I couldn’t kick her because of the effects of the epidural. They probably plan it that way. She was wearing a Jewish star around her neck though, and I couldn’t help but feel that God was on our side. I always felt that he would make it. I just knew.

I was laid down on the surgical table. Lior was brought into the room. He held my hand reassuring me that I was okay. “Remember to breathe,” he said. I asked him to say that despite not having to push through labor pains since breathing reminds me to be present, rather than making up worry-wart stories in my head.

The operating room was packed like Grand Central Station. There were five person teams of doctors and nurses for each baby, and also the anesthesiologist, three residents, the OB/GYN, the high risk doctor, OR nurses, my husband...oh yeah and me.

The operation had begun. I will spare you the details. But basically after a lot of freaking out on my part, and a lot of Lior calming me down, I heard the doctor sing, “I feel your son kicking me.”

A minute or two later (maybe it was even seconds), I heard crying. Crying. Yes, I heard crying. “That’s your son,” I heard the doctor say.

And a minute later, I heard another cry. And that was Aria. Everyone had expected her to come out first, but sure enough, he kicked his way to the front of the line.

The nurses brought both of them over for me to see. The proof was there. I am a mom of two beautiful children. And they’re both alive, breathing, and yes, crying. Lior went to check: Five fingers and five toes on each hand and foot. Forty altogether.

The room cleared out. The babies were taken to the NICU. They needed special treatment since they were premature. I was stitched up and to make a long story short, I went to work on recovering from the c-section.

Aria was in the NICU for 10 days. She was sent home on May 22. She has been an absolute joy, and it’s a load of fun watching her discover the world.

Ethan is still there. He had more work ahead of him on the road to recovery, and now we’re waiting for the finishing touches. He’s doing really well and I’m impressed with how much he’s overcome. I don’t know when he’s coming home since they tell you a day or two before the discharge. He has been there for 10 weeks though, and needless to say, it’s been a complicated and emotional journey. (more on that in future blogs)

I’ve been living in uncertainty for quite some time, and needless to say, it’s been rough. A roller coaster ride of emotions.

I am fortunate to have the support and love of family and friends. Our entire family has also been supported by a wonderful team of doctors, nurses, and professionals along the way. I have also been utilizing my usual mix of yoga, walks, journaling on gratitude and about whatever is bothering me. And honestly, I have also had sleepless nights, mad researching on the internet, lots of calls to the NICU for updates, meetings with doctors, and countless crying sessions. I’ve been allowing myself to feel whatever I need/want to feel.

But I’m okay.

This experience has been a huge lesson for me in coping with uncertainty, being present, and listening to my intuition. I have learned to put a lot of trust in the Universe’s grand design, clearing my head of the worries and fears, and listening for those whispers of clarity. I can’t say that I’ve mastered the lesson yet, but I’m working on it.

It’s a lesson in letting go of control and trusting that the Universe is on our side. As a friend of mine wrote me the other day, forces are constantly in motion around the Universe working within our best interests. Our lesson is to relinquish ourselves to that and trust it. As Eckhart Tolle said in “A New Earth,” once we become at peace with uncertainty, once we accept it and embrace presence, the world opens. And it has. I have experienced it time and time again throughout my life and most recently, with the birth of my son and daughter.

So here I am living in a holding pattern - waiting for my son to heal. But hey, he’s alive. He’s overcome SO MUCH and improves every day! He smiles, observes, learns, sleeps, plays, eats, and grows. And perhaps because I heard a whisper and listened, perhaps because I trusted the Universe, perhaps because of love, positive energy and prayer, and perhaps because of science and quality medical care. Whatever the reason: I feel at peace with the decision we made, and the Universe rewarded us with two wonderful miracles.

I’m ready to start writing again. See you next Monday.

Who’s in control here? Pregnancy hormones, stomach flu, and Type 1 diabetes

What a week I’ve had – a total physical and emotional roller coaster.

I came down with the stomach flu on Tuesday. Here’s the highlight reel: fever, achiness, headache, vomiting, the works. Mix on top of that pregnancy and Type 1 diabetes, and you’ve got yourself a real walk through the park.

When the flu first struck, I could not get my blood sugars above 55 for two hours. And let me tell you – I tried. While nauseous, I had 8 or 10 glucose tablets, two 4 oz glasses of orange juice, a whole banana (which would typically make my sugar soar), and two pieces of toast. And my sugar went to 63 an hour later. I put on a temp basal - which injected less insulin into my blood stream - hoping that would help. I tried not to fall asleep, but I did. The phone kept ringing every fifteen minutes thankfully – literally, I kid you not - as though someone was looking out for me from the great beyond. And so I would check my sugars at each phone call.

(Dangerously low blood sugars can cause a diabetic to lapse into a diabetic coma. Falling asleep is not the best way to deal with this, as you can fall into a coma and not realize it. Plus, there was no one else home. The phone ringing helped me stay on top of my sugars, despite the sleep.)

Two hours later, I checked my blood sugar, and it finally went up to around 105, which is normal. Then I found myself correcting higher sugars for half a day. I had to make up for that banana and well, the fever.

I felt so lousy, that a gun to the head seemed like a really great option for feeling better. I was worried about the twins. I wasn’t sleeping right. My sugars were out of control. And I’m convinced that the misery hormone takes over when you’ve got the flu.

I started feeling better on Thursday and went back to work. Lior and I watched The Office that night, and that’s when I’m sure that pregnancy hormones struck. I was crying hysterically – bawling – when Michael asked Holly to marry him. I have cried like that during a few movies/shows in my life – Pride and Prejudice, The English Patient, when Chandler asked Monica to marry him on Friends, the first Sex and the City movie, and the Lost finale. But not The Office. I mean really? But yes, I wept. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying so hard.

Then on Friday, at work, I was skipping around my real office because I got excited about labels. Well, really I was excited about wine. A volunteer for our organization found really great wine at a good price, and it got me all excited. The labels were going to go on the wine. I was running around telling everyone in the office. And yes, they were looking at me strangely. It made my day. I love wine, but in the grand scheme of things, I was thoroughly over thrilled. Perhaps taking the excitement a wee bit too far.

Hadn’t I thought of how great a revolver to the head would be two days before?

The ups and downs continued all weekend, and here we are on blog Monday talking about it. Learning from it.

I have always been the sensitive type. It’s one of my greatest strengths, and one of my greatest weaknesses. I believe that I am good at what I do because of my sensitivity to others and our globe. I get upset when an ant is killed. But I also notice things that others tend not to, because I’m so sensitive. At the same time, I’ll get upset over something menial. Sensitivity is what helps me write, be creative, be good at personal relationships, among other things. I’ve toughened up over the years, but my authentic nature is to be sensitive. And I’ve learned to manage it over the years.

But this week, I felt really out of control over my emotions. I always say that most of life is out of our control, but we can control our thoughts, actions, and words. This week, I wasn’t even able to do that most of the time.

So who’s in control here anyway? Could be the flu mixed with the diabetes. Could be the twins. What I do know is that it wasn’t me!

I can say now in hindsight that what helped me get through a tough week was repeating Eckhart Tolle’s mantra: This too shall pass.

I find his insight to be a life-changing one. His point is that everything in life is temporary and transient. Nothing in this world is either good or bad. So when something happens – whether “good” or “bad” – it is important to remember that this too shall pass, or in other words, change. Not to grasp onto it, or hold onto anything for dear life, as it will change and move on.

For people who grasp onto things that are good or who are struck by things that are bad, these changes can be devastating. But the “This too shall pass” mantra keeps it all in perspective. It never allows you to grow too attached to anything. Not to define oneself by things.

The flu passes. Pregnancy lasts around nine months. Diabetes will be with me for quite a bit longer, but blood sugars change constantly. The wine shall be drunk, and labels will come and go. So rather than try to control the situation, perhaps it’s better to observe it all as it passes us by?

An intuitive approach to feeding and sleeping schedules for twins

At this point in my pregnancy (26 weeks), I’ve started thinking about those first few months after the twins are born. I have a number of people who are very close to me who have twins – both family and friends - who have all highly, let me say this again HIGHLY, recommended scheduling the twins’ feedings.

They say that it is better for everyone – mom and the babies. It will hopefully provide me with some semblance of emotional and physical sanity. The babies are known to sleep better, eat better, and be less fussy. I have heard multiple stories of twins (no pun intended) who sleep through the night at 12 weeks because of the schedule.

So I have been hard at work learning about the schedule. Turns out that there is a whole philosophy behind this, and I have a feeling that this topic will come up again in my blogs – especially once I have experience with it.

To be honest, as I’ve been learning, the whole scheduling thing has been kind of stressing me out. What I understood from everyone who has experience with it is that you don’t feed the kids on demand. You feed them certain amounts at certain times of the day, and with multiples, you urge them to eat together. Otherwise, mom – in this case soon to be me – will never have a moment of much-needed rest, i.e., sanity.

Baby nurses have told me that newborns eat every two to three hours in the beginning. If those twins aren’t eating and sleeping at the same time….well, I’m sure you can figure out what that might be like.

But at the same time, I have understood from a lot of people – including the same baby nurses – that the babies themselves let you know what their schedule is – which seems on the surface to be contrary to the other pieces that I’ve been told.

After lots of talking, I totally get that the schedule is key. I’m a fan of the concept, and I want to learn about it and implement it.

I’m at the point now where I want someone to tell me exactly what to do: “Feeding #1 is at 7 am; feeding #2 is at 10 am” and so on. But I have to wait. I’ve been told that the hospital will create the schedule, which has made me feel better.

Besides the not knowing where to turn to learn about the schedule, I have also been stressed about not wanting the schedule to be messed up. I’ve met with different childcare professionals who are not into the schedule. They believe in feeding when the baby is hungry. But they assure me that they will follow what we ask.

I want to be sure to get this right so that I don’t wind up torturing these two little ones and starving them to death, but at the same time, keep the schedule so that it works for all of us. Healthy mom, healthy babies, happy everyone.

As for the first stressor: the how. The answer totally hit me just the morning. I’m on a schedule. A diabetic schedule. Please, I’ve been living the schedule all of my life. Check sugars at these times, eat at those times, and take insulin at such and such times. I’m so scheduled that it’s hard for me to not be on a schedule. (And I do sleep well.) The doctors tell me when to check my sugars and what to do. I’ve got this one down.

I suppose the difference is that soon I’ll be responsible for two little helpless beings’ schedules. That’s the freaky part. My wonderful friends gave me the best advice they could give: You’ll just know. Intuitively.

Intuition is a beautiful thing. Probably the smartest advice out there. I need to step out of my own way. Calm those crazy thoughts. Get out of my head. And just breathe. And then let the real me – the intuitive me – do the talking.

The second stressor: Dependent on others to abide by my wishes. Even freakier.
Here we go with that “letting go” lesson again….I can’t control others. I need to just trust that they will listen and do what’s best.

Pregnant or not, diabetic or not – we all get sucked into stressful thoughts. They’re fear based. And the best thing for all of us is to get out of our own heads. Be present and wisdom will follow. Have some faith and trust.

We can all heed the advice of mothers around the world – and just trust our intuition no matter what the circumstance. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Twin pregnancy and the things people say that fill our heads

People love to share their experiences with pregnancy – giving advice, tips, and sharing their own traumatic stories. Some of it is highly constructive and positive, and some of it just isn’t.

Like did you hear the one about how someone’s rib was bruised from their child’s kicking in the third trimester? There’s something about pregnancy – and especially a twin pregnancy – that makes people feel very comfortable asking and talking about incredibly private things, and sometimes un-constructive things.

I have been finding that the experience is a true test in how I listen to others. And then what I do with it.

Here’s a popular question: Did you get IVF? Or the gentler version: Do twins run in your family? Either one of those two questions are usually asked when you first let people know that you are pregnant. I’m amazed at how people switch quickly from, “Wow, congratulations!” to basically asking how we made our babies. Uh, none of your business. I’ve come up with some fabulous responses...I have yet to use them though...I was actually prepared for that question, and answer honestly, despite wanting to be a real smart ass about it.

Everyone’s also an expert - not only on child bearing, but also on pregnancy and child rearing. I do appreciate much of the advice, but I decided early on that I can’t possibly listen to everybody. It can make any pregnant lady crazy. I read a lot and listen to those I trust, but both Lior and I will learn for ourselves when the time comes. People have been having babies for centuries, people. We can handle it. (Yes, I know it’s not about us.)

Do you know how many people have randomly informed me about the chances of delivering early with twins? I’m talking about people I barely know, and I can’t tell you what their intentions are in telling me this. But I just know when the comment doesn’t feel right.

Here’s the statistics that my high risk doctor told me: 60% of twin pregnancies deliver at 37 weeks and beyond, 30% deliver between 32 and 36 weeks, 5% between 28 and 32 weeks, and 2% between weeks 24 and 28.

So if the chances of delivering on time are at 60%, why do so many people talk about those that are early? Chances are higher that they will deliver on time and healthy. I want to focus on that.

The delivering early talk can be toxic when spoken with negative intention. I believe that people are trying to be helpful, most of the time. But I do feel strongly that talking about early delivery just fills at least this pregnant lady's head with unnecessary worries and bad energy.

I’m aiming for 38 weeks. I know we’re going to make it. That is the energy that I want to put out there for the pregnancy and these twins. If I were to think about delivering early, then I also believe that I will create the energy for it to happen.

This may sound like nonsense to some of you. But it works for me. Their delivery date is pretty much out of my control. But I can control how I monitor my blood sugars, what I eat and how much I eat, exercise within doctors’ guidelines....and how I think. I’m aiming for thoughts that create a healthy pregnancy. And it’s been working so far.

The next time you see a woman pregnant with a single, twins, triplets, or more, remember that filling her with positive energy will bring more positive energy to this world by helping her pregnancy go more smoothly. She needs, I need, all the positive support we can get!

Tis the season to wear sweats, or not?

Halloween has ended; Thanksgiving’s on the way. The days are shorter, and the leaves are falling off trees. This is the time of year that I pull out my sweatpants and vegge out in front of the TV.

For the past month, my life has been about work, sleep, eating, and watching TV.

And I’ve felt that something is missing. I miss me.

The real me - the person who is active, goes out and about, meditates, gets creative, and loves to be around others and chat about anything under the sun. The summer “me” has gone into hibernation, and my bear-like self has been too busy eating potato chips on the couch to notice.

But I did notice last week. I noticed my lack of energy, lack of connection. The boredom.

So, I decided to try to re-connect with that old self of mine. Trying to see if I can figure out why I feel the need to take naps most of the day and drown myself in carbohydrates.

I meditated.

I listened to my whole body and also my heart. What I heard surprised me and also rang true. I heard that I’m suppressing the real me with all the sleep, TV, eating, etc.; I’m trying to fill a void rather than connecting with my authentic self.

That made and still makes complete sense.

The only way to change that is to turn off the TV. Be present. And when I go to reach for a snack, ask myself: What am I really hungry for?

I heard creativity. My authentic voice. Inspiration. I saw beautiful abstract art and myself on stage acting in a play. And I felt as though I had re-connected with myself even for an instant.

What I love about listening to my heart, our authentic selves, in meditation is that our true selves tell us exactly what we need to hear, within what we can manage and what serves us best. And that’s when I realized that I can get creative…wearing sweats or not. And that’s a beautiful thing this time of year when it’s cold outside!

Two topics: My newest story – a 6.4 A1C and Step out to stop diabetes!

Step Out to Stop Diabetes!

Hello everyone! As written in last week’s blog, I am participating in the American Diabetes Association’s Step Out to Stop Diabetes walk-a-thon on October 24 in Princeton, New Jersey.

Thank you so much for all of the donations that we have already received! Only a week into fundraising, and I am thrilled to report that I am 32% of the way toward reaching my goal of raising $500 for the education, research, and advocacy programs that the ADA provides to help fight diabetes.

There is still time to help me reach my goal! Please click here to visit my personal step-out page, read all about why I’m participating, and become a sponsor.


Topic #2: My newest story – a 6.4 A1C

I was convinced that I had a 6.7 A1C, which in Type 1 diabetes world is pretty darn good. But I wanted the 6.5 that I had achieved back in April.

All diabetics get A1C tests, as well as oodles of other blood work, to see how well we are managing our diabetes. I get mine done once every three months.

I have not been the perfect diabetic lately. I’ve been so busy! So stressed! Running from appointment to appointment. I had minor surgery on two of my fingers almost eight weeks ago. I haven’t been exercising as I normally do. Okay, I admit it. I’ve gained a few pounds over the last two months. And yes, I’ve been sneaking snacks of low-fat ice cream and full-fat potato chips loaded with yummy salt and oozing comfort. I was thinking about those 200 BG’s I’d corrected for, and those morning highs. Most of all, I was dreading the strict lecture I convinced myself I would receive from Dr. W about tighter control over my blood sugars.

I would be lucky if it was a 6.7. And I was beating myself up for it. I had achieved so much by reaching that 6.5. And I let it slip away.

I went to Dr. W this morning for my quarterly appointment. I asked the receptionist for copies of the lab results as soon as I stepped through the door. I thought about the records I had compiled of my eating, exercising, and bolusing for the appointment. And I regretted doing it already. They would show Dr. W. exactly what a bad girl I’ve been. He’d have the proof right in front of him.

Judge and jury pronounce me as guilty. Lock me up and throw away the key.

The receptionist handed me the white pages filled with courier style blank ink. I’ve skimmed these a million times. In range. Out of range. Kidney function and cholesterol – which are all perfectly fantastic by the way. Something to still be proud of – since they weren't always that way. A bit anemic. Yes, I knew that.

And there it was, what I least expected. A1C – 6.4!

I was so surprised! How did that happen? And then I had a BIG realization sitting there in the waiting room smiling from ear to ear.

I realized that I had created a story, a very self-damaging one actually. Leading up to today, I was beating myself up for being the “worst” diabetic ever. I thought I hadn’t been managing my diabetes as I know I can or should. In my mind, I wasn’t living up to some pretty high expectations I have of myself. I had been telling myself that I let my health go.

And I really hadn’t. It was all in my head. The proof was right in front of me. Facts don’t lie.

And so I realized that I had to change my story. We all create the stories of our lives. Our realities. And I had the opportunity – right now, in this instant – to change one that wasn’t serving me.

I re-assessed. I do check my blood sugars regularly and adjust my insulin accordingly. I keep track of my eating, exercise, and sugars as much as possible. I exercise most of the time, eat healthy more often than not, and still meditate and journal to keep my stress levels as low as possible. Okay, so fine, I cheated here and there, but clearly, that’s okay if it’s within reason. All of the things I mentioned in April’s blog about reaching a 6.5 A1C. None of that had changed. Just the story I had created in my head.

And then I started thinking about all of the other stories I’ve created. The stories with the same moral: “Whatever I’m doing isn’t good enough.” You know the ones. Whether related to weight, hair, skin, or other non-body topics like stuff to do around the house, finances, and so on. There are lots of self-damaging stories that people create, like, “If I had more, then I will finally feel accepted.” “Would people accept me if I had less?”

I do love a good story. I suppose that’s what keeps me blogging. But some stories are just downright awful. And it’s up to me – up to us – to gauge when a story is true – and when it’s just a piece of fiction that’s better off in the trash.

I chose today to throw my tragic-fiction away. And I’ve created a new story for myself. I call it the “I take great care of my health” epic novel. Because with this positive attitude toward health, I expect it to last a while!

Bring the funk

I woke up in a funk today. Just not feeling it. My body is sore from working out this morning. I’m feeling stressed. What will be? Impatience. To-do lists. Crazy busy-ness. Wanting things to be different than what they are. Inspiration? You’ve got to be kidding me.

These days happen. To all of us. They just do.

So, I pulled out my happiness toolbox of tricks before writing this blog and dove in grudgingly: Breath work, meditation, exercise, yoga, inspirational articles that others have written, trying to get in tune with my body and what feelings I may be suppressing.

These are all fantastic tools. But they weren’t working. I was thinking too much. Trying too hard to be happy and Zen. Too in mired by my funk.

And then Lior came upstairs, took one look at me sitting in misery as though the end of the world was already on its way, and he started singing, “Shake, shake, shake…shake, shake, shake your booty.”

He suggested that I sing along and maybe even try dancing around a bit. I watched as he began to literally shake his booty, and although still miserable, resisting the smile that so desperately wanted to purge, I decided to stand up and join him.

“Shake, shake, shake…shake, shake, shake…shake your booty,” he sang, and I danced. And there it was, I did it. I smiled. And there’s no turning back now. The funk had turned into funk.

A fun song. A little bit of dancing. And a whole lot of being silly. Inspired happiness for me this morning.

But really and truly, the music, singing, or dancing isn’t what made me happy. My happiness isn’t dependent upon my husband either. Nor does happiness come from money, a perfect blood sugar reading, or that fancy new house or car I’d like to buy.

Today is a reminder: All of those things come and go; they’re temporary. So why would anyone choose to base their happiness - or even sadness or anger for that matter - on things that will change?

Happiness, as with all of our feelings - sadness, anger, frustration and so on, comes from within. Once we’re aware of those feelings, and accept them, allow them to breathe, our true, authentic nature emanates. And sadness or anger transforms into joy. And then once you allow yourself to feel enjoyment, enthusiasm evolves, and before you know it, you’re inspired.

So my lesson for today is to bring the funk because those moments when I’m down and out remind me how to really live. Because what goes down, must go up.

Thriving with diabetes

Hello everyone,

I wrote the following post as a guest blogger for Kelly Kunik from Diabetesaliciousness™ which she will post later this week. In addition to blogging, Kelly advocates for diabetics at conferences throughout the year and speaks with children with diabetes about living with the disease. Please visit Kelly's blog this week to show your support.

Thank you, Ophir


I woke up with a 234 blood sugar reading today. I know why. My husband and I went out to dinner last night, a spontaneous date inspired more by laziness than romance. We sat and ordered our meal: For me, gluten-free Singapore rice noodles with chicken and veggies at P.F. Chang’s. I bolused insulin to compensate for the meal. But not a long-acting dual wave bolus, as the little voice inside of me told me to do.

A nice long dual wave filled with lustrous Humalog probably would have done the trick of offsetting the sugars released in a fatty meal. But I didn’t do that. I thought about it. But when the time came, when the opportunity arose, I didn’t hit those extra buttons on my insulin pump.

I have been a Type 1 diabetic for over 35 years, have been to tons of doctors, nurses, and diabetes educators, and I keep up with all of the latest and greatest technologies and studies. And so, a high that results from a “I knew better” can be a bit exacerbating. I do know better. And typically after a “I know better” high blood sugar, I feel guilty.

Not today though, and I’ll tell you why: I’ve chosen to focus on self-growth instead of on what I did or didn’t do. I’m going to figure out why I didn’t set a dual wave when I know I should. What happened in that subconscious instant when I made that choice not to do what’s best for me and my health?

I remember at the time, I was feeling hot, tired, anxious from a long week of work, and I just wanted to let go of all the stress. Drink a glass of wine, eat some yummy noodles, and enjoy being out and about. I wanted to enjoy the moment and be happy.

But is that real happiness? Does having a great time mean not taking care of blood sugars? All I’m really doing is hurting myself. A moment of pleasure followed by hours of blood sugar highs and lows – and emotional ones as well.

I found some enlightenment. While reading Women, Food, and God in which author Geneen Roth talks about the perils of weight loss, going on diets, and never really reaching that state of pure bliss with one’s body. She explains that many of us go through life setting a goal, such as losing 10 or 20 pounds, but not allowing ourselves to ever reach it. Let me say that again: Not allowing ourselves to ever reach it.

Boy, did I ever relate to that. I’ve wanted to lose those 10 or 20 pounds since freshman year in college, and not to give too much away, but that’s been a while. And then she says it, the line that got me: Because without that goal, we’d be lost. Reaching that goal has becomes our identity.

I realized that her statement not only applies to weight loss, but it applies to all goals in life. It can apply to reaching that perfect weight and also that perfect 6.5 A1C or blood sugar reading – or how about projects around the house, creative pursuits, education and career, love, and so on.

And as Roth says, we tell ourselves that once we reach that goal, our lives will be better. We’ll be happy. I’ll be happy.

This seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Because then, when it comes time to really making it happen, that moment of truth, I didn’t set that dual wave bolus so that my sugars will turn out great. I didn’t order the steamed veggie platter. Nor did I exercise for an hour afterward. Because perhaps a part of me thinks that if I reach my goals, well then what will I do with my life? Who will I be? I’ll feel lost, alone, without a purpose. And all I really want is to be happy.

Geneen Roth explains: That person aiming for those goals, the person who will only be happy once reaching them, was never who I really am, who any of us are. The real goal, the way to live life to the fullest and thrive with diabetes, is to live life as our authentic selves through being – where you live each moment as it is - whether you are happy or sad, angry or hurt, or inspired.

According to Roth, many of us try to push away what we are really feeling and sensing because we are so focused on being “happy”. Fixing the problems. Many of us, including myself, suppress our feelings through food. But by being with whatever we are feeling, whether it be good or bad, we can live more fully and more authentically – and in essence, it makes us even happier. Because we are being our true selves.

You can bring those moments of being into as many moments of the day as possible. Feeling, sensing, tasting, smelling, touching, and listening to wherever you are physically and emotionally at every moment of every day.

Last night, I heard that soft, little voice telling me to set a dual wave bolus, but I didn’t act because that voice was drowned by the noise of my ranting thoughts. Trying to think of how I could be happier, instead of just being.

Acupuncturist says relax!

I’m at the tail-end of an unplanned three-day health and wellness jaunt.

It all began on Saturday when I went for a first consultation with an acupuncturist. After giving her my health history, and she looked at my tongue and felt my pulse, she deduced me as being: Sensitive. In need of balance (seems typical for all diabetics) And a worrier. I’d say she’s right on all counts.

Here’s the clincher: She told me to relax more. I don’t know about you, but telling me to relax stresses me out!

So feeling a pressing need to relax, I was inspired to go to a stress reduction yoga class on Sunday at the Princeton Center for Yoga and Health. Gentle yoga poses with breathing and meditation.

Our instructor began the class with a story of how yoga permeated into his everyday life just the day before: “I went to Howell Living History Farm with my son,” He told us, “I was drinking a cup of tea with honey on my way there and thinking about how that cup of tea had to be just about the best cup of tea I’d ever had.

When we arrived at the farm, my son and I were walking on the path. I was in my sandals, and a bee stung my foot! I sat there for a moment, amazed, and realized that this is a real lesson in non-judgment.”

I didn’t quite get his statement at first. The experience sounded more like karma, or irony, to me.

He continued, “Everyone’s yoga experience is different. Practice with non-judgment. Keep your eyes shut, and experience your yoga from within.”

Again, I didn’t quite get it. I mean, I do get that I shouldn’t judge myself or others. I’ve meditated before, and learned the lessons of non-judgment before as well. But the bee, the honey, yoga, huh? How exactly is this reducing my stress? And how am I supposed to do yoga with my eyes shut???

We began by breathing in cross-legged stance, stretching arms up, to the side, and back. I was more focused on the pain I was feeling in my hip though. Twisting and turning. To the side. To the back. Breathing up and down. I had to stretch my legs. My hip was killing me.

I opened my eyes to see if the instructor noticed. His eyes were closed as he instructed us to raise our arms overhead and stretch. I couldn’t help but look at the people around me. So flexible. Able to twist and turn much deeper than me, bend down further, balance stronger.

And there it was. I judged. Myself and others. Good or bad. Anticipating others judging me as well.

I closed my eyes again. I am aware. Breathing. Twisting. Turning. Raising arms. Stretching. After about ten minutes, I realized that the pain in my left hip had dissolved away. I smiled from within as I noticed the change.

As we segued into standing poses and inversions, bending over with the blood rushing to my head, viewing the world from upside down, I let out a big internal epiphany: Oh, I get it! The bee!

Our instructor judged the tea as being the best he’d ever had. And then sure enough, something bad happened. He was stung by a bee. I had forgotten that judging things as good or even the best is, well, also a form of judgment. So the Universe showed him, miraculously enough through a bee, that nothing on this planet is either good or bad. Everything is just that. What it is. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes.

“Judgment is external. Forget the external world. Focus on your body within.”

The ego-driven, external world judges. Black or white. Right or wrong. But really few things in this world are black or white. Our true selves, our essence, where everything is truly perfect, comes from within us, and when we are attuned to it, life flows.

I left yoga feeling exhilarated, at peace, and yes, less stressed out. A bit of yoga and meditation goes a long way in relieving stress. But really, feeling inspired to live each moment without judgment helps me relax. With that state of mind, I’m not trying to prove anything, no comparisons, or striving toward perfection. Instead, I’m just learning to live life from my true self.

Namaste.

Diabetes and loving kindness practice

Diabetes hands us an array of lessons on living our best lives. One of the most important is that of self-love.

I often bring up self-love in this blog because I truly believe that you need a lot of it to live a conscious, healthy life with diabetes – and actually with any other disease. Let’s face it. You need to care a lot about yourself to put in the effort and the work to get and keep blood sugars balanced and live the life you want to live. This is true for anything in life. And in the case of diabetes, I know from my experience that self-love practice is a complement to the rest of diabetic health management.

I first discovered where I fall on the self-love spectrum in my 20s, but the real change to true self-love began when I was working at a non-profit that developed websites, workshops, books, and other materials on finding peace within oneself. Their motto: “Peace begins within me”. I love their philosophy: Once you are at true peace with yourself, the circles of peace grow and spread creating a more peaceful and harmonious world.

I worked in the kids and youth department, and my job was to manage content for two websites, a few video games, books, and other activities mainly focused on building self-esteem in children. The non-profit itself also ran workshops and websites for adults. Potential adult workshop leaders would lead sessions for the staff to test which included meditation, alternative therapies, and guided imagery sessions. We would typically attend one or two of these test workshops a month.

When I began working at the non-profit, I was far from the type of person who would meditate. In the beginning, I often snickered thinking they were ridiculous. But then I began to see their value as I listened to the lessons they taught. Many of these workshops were planting seeds for my own transformation. And in terms of self-love, one in particular stood out for me - a group loving kindness practice.

We were divided into pairs and asked to face one another. My partner, a very close friend of mine, we’ll call her R, was asked to go first. She was told to repeat the workshop leader’s statements. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes giggling in unison.

“May I be happy,” The workshop leader said.

R repeated, “May I be happy.”

And then the leader continued one by one stating, “May I be healthy. May I be safe from harm. May I be at peace. May I be free from suffering.” And R repeated each one thoughtfully.

“I love me,” the workshop leader stated, “Now hug yourself.”

R did just that. She hugged herself, smiled the biggest smile you can imagine, and sang, “I LOVE ME!”

My face froze as I stared into R’s eyes. Could I do that? Could I stand in front of a group of people and hug myself and sing “I LOVE ME!”

This is how I discovered where I fell – at that time – on the self-love spectrum. I felt my body become tense, and wasn’t sure that I could do what R had just done. I realized that I may not be at the 100% mark on the self-love spectrum.

It was my turn, and the workshop leader told me to state these wonderful wishes for people we know, people who have helped us, people we love. I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get the chance to try it and proclaim self-love in public.

I repeated the workshop leader’s words: “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe from harm. May you be at peace. May you be free from suffering.”

R smiled. But I felt as though I was putting others before myself. As I left the workshop, I decided to make self-love a mission.

Loving kindness can also be practiced solo. I was reminded of this wonderful self-love building Buddhist meditation practice this weekend while reading "Love in Full Bloom" an article found in Yoga Journal’s April edition. Writer Frank Jude Boccio tells us that self-love comes from practicing “The Four Limitless Ones”: loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity.

Loving kindness and compassion can be combined into one practice, and it’s a good place to begin on the self-love journey. Boccio states, “when we practice [them], we start by cultivating a friendly, unconditional regard for ourselves, before attempting to cultivate the same for others.”

Begin by reflecting on your own goodness, a time when you did something good for someone else that was kind, generous, caring, or loving. It can be as simple as opening the door for someone, letting a car go ahead of you at an intersection, smiling at someone on the street, or saying thank you. In addition to Boccio’s suggestions, I also suggest that people with diabetes – or with any other disease – take the time to be grateful for your body, mind, and spirit. Be grateful for your breath, your beating heart, your sense of touch, sight, smell, hearing, and taste, your creativity and intellect, and anything else that arises – where you are grateful for you and who you are.

Then, you can continue with the loving kindness practice much as we did at that workshop that day. Begin by finding a quiet and comfortable place. Follow your breath. And then state: “May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be safe from harm. May I be free from suffering. May I be healthy. May I experience ease.” And feel free to add, “I love me.”

You will know where you fall on the self-love spectrum – and perhaps where you have work to do - if you feel any tension or unease with any of the statements. Once you are ready, begin to extend the same loving kindness to others in sequence: a person who has helped you, a person you love, family, friends, and then to people who are neutral to you – that you neither like or dislike – and then once you are ready, begin to extend the same to people you don’t like or who anger you, and then finally extend the same loving kindness to all humans and creatures around the world.

Through self-love, we live a better life. I know that I have come to a place on the spectrum where I feel blessed for the wonderful life I live, and I can proudly declare in public: I love me. Getting there, like managing diabetes, is a process filled with ups and downs. But it’s worth it.

Click here to read Yoga Journal’s “Love in Full Bloom”
Click here for Sharon Salzberg’s loving kindness audio meditation and transcript.

Diabetes and a good night’s rest: Another tool for living your dreams

I usually sleep 8 hours every night. I hit the pillow, and I’m out like a light. I wake up the next morning rejuvenated and ready to go. But not this past Saturday.

Lior and I had a whirlwind of a day on Saturday. We had a neighborhood yard sale in the morning outside in 90-degree heat, took much-needed naps in the afternoon, and then went out for dinner that evening. Indian food – yum!

My meal was definitely super-high in fat. And I knew I was risking high sugars when I placed my order. But I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. I did what I could to prepare my blood sugars for my unhealthy decision – dual wave bolus and all – but what I ordered was the complete antithesis of healthy and well-balanced.

I checked my sugar two hours after the meal to see how my body was responding to the food and dual wave. It was high – 230. I bolused to correct the high sugar – which means to inject insulin in pump talk – and I waited an hour to check my sugar again. It was still high – 220. I debated with myself for a minute. You have to be careful when bolusing insulin too many times. Sometimes it just takes the insulin a while to do its job and if you bolus too much, you can wind up with low sugar later. But I just knew to keep bolusing. I wouldn’t be going low this time. So I did.

We watched a movie – ironically enough Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs where characters overindulge in food – and I decided to go to sleep a few hours later, around 11:00 pm. I checked my sugars again before falling asleep. Still high, again in the 200s. I decided not to bolus. And over the next couple of hours, I lay in bed obsessing about who knows what, tossing and turning for two hours. I couldn’t sleep. I checked my sugar again at around 1:00 am – 213. No change, still high. I bolused again. Finally I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 1:30, high sugars and all.

I woke up the next morning exhausted and in pain. I checked my sugar. It was still high – around 205. I bolused to correct the high sugar once again and started my day.

There is a link between high blood sugar and lack of sleep. Actually, some studies show that inadequate sleep can be a contributor to Type 2 diabetes. But was my lack of restful sleep due to the high sugars, unhealthy foods, or anxious thoughts? Could it have simply been the heat and mid-day nap? I didn’t exercise that day, could that be it?

Answer: All of the above. I think my Saturday night madness is an example of how truly connected our body-mind-spirit really are in living peaceful lives. Unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, high blood sugars, stress, and stepping out of my typical sleep routine. And in the end, it all showed up on my glucometer – loud and clear – 230, 220, 213, 205.

Okay, so that’s mind and body. But why did I bring up spirit?

Spiritually speaking, the time before we go to bed and when we first wake up is considered very sacred. Sleep is a time for us to rejuvenate and get the needed rest we need to take us into the next day. And it is also the time when we transition from the waking outer world to connect with our inner world. It’s a time when dreams happen, clueing us into what resonated with us during our day, and when we’re tuned in, our dreams may speak to us about our life’s passions or things that are holding us back. And for some, bedtime is a time for prayer, setting intentions for the next day. Some even believe that our soul goes up to heaven or to God during sleep to receive messages and rejuvenation that will set us on our spiritual paths.

In “A New Earth”, a book on living one’s purpose, Eckhart Tolle advises readers to meditate, scanning the body and paying attention to breath, before going to sleep and first thing when waking up in the morning. In “The Secret”, a corny but worthwhile read about the Law of Attraction, Rhonda Byrne suggests thinking positive thoughts before bedtime, placing an order with the Universe to deliver good things. And in “Have a Little Faith”, the Reb Albert Lewis tells author Mitch Albom that he thanks the Lord for returning his soul to him each morning when he wakes up.

Usually, I use sleep in this way. I pay special attention to thinking good thoughts/meditating/praying before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning. And as I wrote in the beginning of this entry, I fall asleep in an instant and I wake up completely refreshed. I go downstairs to exercise. I eat a healthy breakfast and get ready for the day. And the results of these mind-body-spirit practices are evident in my life. I recently reached my dream of a 6.5 A1C and I’ve reached other dreams as well such as becoming a writer, falling in love, and owning a home.

I use sleep as another tool for living the life I want to live.

Sleep is an important part of taking care of ourselves. No question about it. And it is completely related to everything else we do during the day. And if you are attuned to mind-body-spirit practices, you can utilize sleep as well. Eat healthy, exercise, stay hydrated, reduce caffeine, and set your intentions for the life you want to live before you go to bed and when you wake up every morning – and watch how the world conspires to give you the life you want.

The 6.5 A1C

I was sitting on an examining table at Dr. W’s office, my endocrinologist, a couple of weeks ago waiting for him to get off the phone when I asked the nurse if she could make a copy for me of my quarterly lab test results, the results that would tell me my latest A1C - the test that gauges how well diabetics manage the disease. How well I’m managing my diabetes.

I was amazed at myself because I have been asking for those lab test copies the minute I walk in the office door for decades, and that day, it completely slipped my mind until I was sitting on the table waiting for Dr. W to tell me what latest thing I needed to change or do. That’s usually what happens at these doctor’s appointments.

I have been somewhat obsessed with the A1C number for the past decade or so. Why? I hate failing in general, but that one in particular is one that I loathe failing. The goal is a 6.5, and I had never gotten there before. I had been holding steady at 6.7 for five or six years, not quite making the 6.5, and before that I was holding at a 7 for about two or three years, and before that an 8.4 for I don’t know how long, and before that, I have no idea. For the past decade or so that I’ve been conscious of my A1C and actually trying to make it better, I have felt frustrated and less than adequate at the one job I work at the hardest - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And then as I sat there in the doctor’s office, I realized that I hadn’t thought about the dream A1C in a long time, the 6.5. For the past three months, I had still been exercising, meditating, eating healthy, and monitoring my sugars in relation to all of these things, but I hadn’t really thought about the goal itself. I realized that I had let it go and began simply plodding along living my life in a balanced and healthy way.

The nurse returned, Dr. W still on the phone solving a crisis with another patient, and she handed me the pages. I thanked her and began scanning. Cholesterol – fantastic! Protein in urine – None to be found (protein spillage determines possible kidney disease which I had when I was 21 years old)!

But I was really searching for the A1C. I had to see the numbers, the results of all my hard work – the monitoring, pricking, bleeding, squeezing, tracking, evaluating, assessing, meal planning, weighing, exercising, and sugar inducing during the lows, and so on.

And as I continued scanning, I found it. There it was: A1C – 6.5. I reached my goal! Or at least the goal that endocrinologists have set for me since I started this diabetic journey in 1974. And it only took over 35 years to get here! But I’m here now!

The 6.5 A1C journey has been a long one. The first A1C I remember was an 8.4 which I learned about somewhere in the mid ‘90s. I guess that was the first A1C that I was half conscious for, which I assume was the case since I kept the document on file and still have it today. The next lab test document that I have in my file was taken a few months later, and the A1C read 8.2.

So what changed? How did my A1C path shift and start trending toward healthy levels?

That’s a big question. It’s a lot of things: patience, persistence, doctor-patient relationships, science, tracking, willingness to change routine, education, eating healthy, exercise.

It started with Dr. P back in the 8.4 days. Dr. P was considered an aggressive doctor, but quite frankly, she was exactly what I needed. Dr. P was incredibly persistent with me on monitoring and tracking my blood sugars. She also sent me to a nutritionist. I learned how to better plan my meals and eat healthy, well-balanced food. I started a regular exercise program and found myself becoming addicted to it! I read Diabetes Forecast monthly to learn about the latest information and stay informed. I had also started seeking support and talking about my diabetes for the first time in my life.

Types of insulins were advancing back then too, and Dr. P kept up to date. She switched me from pigs’ insulin to synthetic Humalog and Lantus, all injected through needles and back then considered the latest and greatest in insulin because they resemble human insulin more closely. I had made my way down to a 7.2.

I switched to the pump four years ago, after the Dr. P years but before Dr. W, and after reaching a 6.8. The pump has been the greatest blessing for diabetics as it attempts to mimic a fully-functioning, insulin producing pancreas. I had to basal test for a long time – which involves fasting and testing sugars every hour on the hour – until the docs found the right patterns for me. But I stayed persistent and tried to be patient (not always succeeding at that part), and eventually I found Dr. W who really understood how to set a basal pattern correctly. At that point, I had made my way down to a 6.7.

The big “ah ha” was when he told me that my basal patterns are fine, I need to focus on how much insulin to administer for different kinds of food. I had already learned carb counting, which is the typical lesson we diabetics learn when we go on the pump. We calculate how to bolus – or inject – insulin based on how many carbohydrates we are eating. But Dr. W claims that there’s more to it than that. Dr. W’s theory is that each food reacts differently in every person’s body, and so it’s up to us to look at each food and test how our bodies react to it. Then figure out the right bolus.

The more you are aware of your sugars in relation to the meals you eat, the dosages of insulin you administer, and the amount of physical activity you perform, the better your sugars will be. I find this all to be a royal pain in the neck. I hate tracking and testing it. I mean, I really hate it.

Dr. W would love to set up a study on this topic. I think that people first have to want to do it, to care that much about their health and bodies, to do all of the work involved in diabetes management.

And where does that desire come from? It comes from within.

Besides all of the stuff that diabetes doctors and educators have been talking about for years, all of those details I only glossed over above, there’s also the human side. Being a healthy diabetic requires living with the disease in an emotionally healthy way: Knowing who you are and accepting yourself fully. Listening and having compassion for yourself and others. And living your life’s passions to the fullest. It’s all connected.

Your state of mind - and dare I say connection to spirit - affects your state of body.

Dr. W got off the phone and started telling me the story behind the emergency call, apologizing for taking so long, “This guy just had his leg amputated. He’s on dialysis. I wish I had the ability to teach people how to live with the disease beyond what I can do in this office,” is more or less what he said.

He picked up my lab tests. “Look at these numbers,” Dr. W was scanning too, “We’ve been seeing each other for the past year, and I’ve seen you come a long way. 6.5 A1C. You’ve lost 5 pounds which is very good for a person at your weight. Perfect cholesterol. Not an ounce of protein. You’ve basically cured yourself of kidney disease.”

I left Dr. W's that day realizing that I’m in the best health I’ve ever been in my life, and I felt very proud. And I realized that the journey changed for the better the moment I became conscious. The moment I became conscious of self-love.

Changing habits with a detox: Part 2

I have always known that mind, body, and spirit are linked, but I never realized just how connected they really are until I did a detox this past week. Last week I wrote about my goals for doing the detox that I found in the March edition of Natural Health magazine. I wanted to change some habits: Stop snacking on unhealthy foods in the late afternoon and in front of the television after dinner.

Within the first few days of the detox, as my body began to clear itself of the toxins found in damaging foods, such as high fructose corn syrup, trans-fats, and all the other buzz words that nutritionists and fitness professionals talk about, I also found that I didn’t want to eat those foods either.

My mind became clearer as well. After a day or two, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t turning on the television first thing in the morning or checking e-mails every few hours. Actually, I didn’t check my e-mail even once all day yesterday! That’s miraculous for me! Without all of that television and e-mail, I had more time. I read more and had some personal revelations about who I am, my purpose became clearer, my blood sugars were simply fantastic, and I also found myself more present during the day. By Friday, after six days of detox, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t written one personal to-do list all week long! To-do lists have been one of the most consuming habits I have ever had. They have run my life, and I am thrilled that I didn’t write one all week. And I hadn’t even sought to change that habit!!!

I have finished the detox, and I can say that I rid myself of a lot of unhealthy habits. And although I have watched television, checked e-mail, and written a to-do list since, I have not eaten junk food, and I also believe I’m off lethal food additives like: high-fructose corn syrup and trans-fats. I also feel that I am still attuned to my purpose, and I plan to keep it that way!

The question is: Did I detoxify my life from unhealthy foods and habits because of what I ate? Or is it because I set an intention at the beginning of the week to change habits?

I believe it’s a combination of both.

Deepak Chopra wrote about the Law of Intention and Desire in the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: “Inherent in every intention and desire is the mechanics for its fulfillment. And when we introduce an intention in our pure potentiality, we put this infinite organizing power to work for us”.

What this law is saying is that you can change your life for the better if you have the intention to do so, and the whole Universe will conspire to help you out. BUT, you have to also pay attention to the six other spiritual laws of success. Click here for a summary of all seven, and I strongly suggest reading the whole book.

But how is this possible? Okay, now we’re getting into quantum physics a bit, but let me try to explain. The law is based on the fact that energy and information exists everywhere in nature; a flower, a rainbow, a tree, and the human body – when broken down into its components – are all energy and information. The whole Universe is filled with interrelated energy and information. The only difference in the energy and information between humans and a tree or a flower is the content within our respective bodies. We can change the content of the energy and information of our bodies at the atomic level, and then it influences our external bodies, our environment and our world. The quality of the intention will cause things to manifest because it is linked to the energy and information in the entire Universe.

This is worth repeating: You can change your life for the better if you have the intention to do so, and the whole Universe will conspire to help you out as long as it is for the benefit of the entire world.

I chose to change bad habits with my detox, and it worked because I set a quality intention to change it. It cleared my mind, body, and spirit for greater things to enter my life. And, if you intend to detoxify your life from poisonous things, you can do so too. First choose: Do you find anything in your life to be toxic? What is it? Now set an intention to change it. You may want to detoxify from food too and/or make healthier food choices. You can also decide to clean out a cluttered closet, get rid of unhealthy relationships, or clean up your finances. (I am not a doctor or a therapist, simply a blogger who enjoys making my life better, and so I only ask that if you decide to do any detoxifying or decluttering, check with a professional in the chosen field first.)

You can change your life for the better by getting rid of whatever is holding you back. You just have to set the intention to do so, and the Universe will conspire to help you out. It works.

Here’s a list of resources that can help:
*Pema Chodron, Getting Unstuck CD
*Deepak Chopra, Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
*Natural Health, Detox you life (not the detox I did)
*Detox tips on Oprah.com:
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Changing habits with a detox: Part 1

I started a detox yesterday that I found in the March 2010 edition of Natural Health magazine. The typical and most obvious reason for doing a detox is to, as the name implies, detoxify the body from pollutants found in food and the atmosphere. You are advised to change the type of foods you eat, and in the detox that I’m doing, the reader is told to meditate, journal, practice light yoga and walking, and go to the sauna during the process.

I had always thought that a detox was not doable for me since I’m diabetic. To me, a detox meant drinking blended spinach drinks and eating grapes. I figured that I would be on the ground in a diabetic coma within one hour with a diet like that. The magazine’s program seems very doable though. As for the food, it advises to: “think fresh, whole, organic foods. Eat plenty of vegetables (choose sweet potatoes instead of white potatoes), fresh fruits, non-gluten grains, beans, legumes, small amounts of nuts, seeds, nut butters, lean, organic poultry and wild fish.” Alas, this detox does not mean starvation. (Disclaimer: I am in no way advising that you do a detox. If you do decide to do so, be sure to read the entire magazine article and check with a doctor first.)

I did not have any goals in mind when I decided to start the detox. It just seemed like a nice idea, a project. But then I slowly formed a goal: Use the detox as a needed push for changing some habits.

I eat healthy most of the time, but I have two weak points during the day: grazing around 4 or 5 pm and late night snacking, after dinner in front of the television. I eat healthy junk, and I weigh and measure it. I don’t feel the guilt inherent in late night snacking because of this. So why stop? Health: Weight loss and better blood sugars. I figured that this detox could train me to stop eating when I’m really not hungry.

Around the same time, I was also listening to a Pema Chodron CD workshop on getting unstuck. Pema Chodron is the first ever female, Western Tibetan Buddhist monk. Pema talks about a Tibetan Buddhist principle called shenpa during the workshop. Shenpa is a feeling which is very hard to define but is translated as attachment. It is like a hook, which you can sometimes feel in your body as tension, and usually occurs as a reaction to something or someone else. And you react to that hook, or attachment, either by going numb, getting aggressive, or having cravings.

Let me give you an example: Someone says something to you that touches a nerve. How do you react? For some, their body gets tense, and they keep their hurt feelings inside and then will talk about the person later, go out for happy hour, or watch television and eat lots of comfort food. Some people will answer with a quick comeback or yell or plead with a statement seeking approval. Some people will drink alcohol or do drugs or completely numb out. That feeling that hooks you is shenpa. Most people seek comfort from shenpa, as I wrote through numbness, aggressiveness, or cravings, but this only brings comfort in that moment. According to Pema, shenpa is the cause of addiction.

I’ve never really thought of myself as having an addictive personality. I hardly drink a whole glass of wine when I do drink. I don’t do drugs or smoke. But I do love watching television. And I love my morning coffee. And I love to snack! Do they bring me comfort? In that moment, they do. But then I’m sorry later. I wind up not losing those pounds that I’m working so hard most of the time to lose, and even worse, my blood sugars wind up being less than ideal.

Pema suggests that the way to get unstuck from shenpa is through the four R’s: recognize, refrain, relax, and resolve. First, become aware – recognize – when shenpa arises. Then, refrain from reacting and as I’m learning, reacting is really quick, momentary comfort seeking. Reacting can mean going numb or craving what you don't have, too, not only yelling or answering back aggressively. So in my case, that would mean refraining from snacking on comfort foods. Relax means to be with the shenpa, with the hook, rather than suppressing it through go-to comforts. Pema suggests breathing with the feeling. It doesn’t go away, but instead of suppressing the hook and possibly causing disease, pain, and anxiety, you are giving it space. Finally, resolve means to accept that shenpa is a part of life, and will continue to arise over and over again. Once you accept it, not pushing it away, you can live life more fully.

After hearing these teachings, I realized that I could use this detox to change some habits and hopefully live a healthier and thus happier life.

Here’s an update from the first day: I noticed that I didn’t feel the need to watch as much television, nor did I check e-mail or visit websites, nearly as much as I typically do. I am finding that I have more time, and so I went for a walk by the river yesterday and have been reading a book for the fun of it. I did watch some TV last night, and found that I began to crave chocolate after viewing a Hershey’s commercial. Otherwise, I hadn’t even thought of eating. I only miss coffee when I think about it.

I hope that by the end of this process I’ll figure out which habits I want to keep and which I will release from my repertoire for the long haul. Stay tuned for "Changing habits with a detox: Part 2" next Monday!

Have you ever done a detox? Tell me all about it! I'd love to hear about the program you did and how it affected you.

Finding certainty during uncertain times

What do you know for sure? How does it feel when you know something for sure? That’s the feeling I am trying to capture.

My life has been filled with uncertainty lately between health, family, recession, and so on. And I’d like to change that. While writing this blog post, I remembered that life is always filled with uncertainty, and if this is true, which it is, then staying true to my beliefs, I just need to figure out how to use the uncertainty so that it empowers me rather than sucking the life right out from under me.

When I feel uncertain, I get nervous. My mind fills with clutter thoughts like: What’s going to happen? I then attach possible outcomes to different scenarios, like ‘If I just eat apples and walnuts, then I believe my blood sugars will be okay’ or ‘if I don’t use artificial sweeteners, then maybe I won’t get cancer.’ My body then tightens because I really prefer the taste of peanut butter over walnuts and Splenda over Truvia. I feel angst in my stomach and my shoulders tighten. And I feel that I need a good massage, a vacation, or wine…That feeling of: I just want “to get away from it all”.

Don’t we all feel those anxious feelings of uncertainty sometimes? Although I like a good massage and love vacations, most days that’s not happening, and so I’d like to find a way to go through life feeling like I’m already on vacation – or well, at least feel like I don’t need one.

And this is where the power of choice comes in. Although very little in life is under our control, we do get to choose our thoughts, our words, and our actions to some degree. And our thoughts really do create the reality of our lives. If we choose to be anxious, then we’re anxious. If we choose to be happy, then we’re happy. Using this theory, I can basically wash away the thoughts of uncertainty and replace them with thoughts of trust and knowing. We all can.

So after reading an article by Deepak Chopra this week, I remembered that a good way to do this is to focus on the feeling of certainty, the feeling of knowing something for sure. How does that feel like to you?

For me, I know that really knowing something for sure – and I’m talking about something that isn’t under my control – I get a gut feeling. I just know it, and I can’t describe it in words. It’s just the opposite of that tension I feel in my stomach when I’m nervous and filled with mind clutter. There is a feeling of spaciousness, a feeling of joy, and it stops me in my tracks. I sense a connection to greater purpose and presence, and the more I have practiced it, the more I have become attuned to it. And as a result, I have experienced greater certainty, knowing, and trust in my life.

Deepak writes that life is meant to progress. He’s right. At one point in my life, I didn’t know where I would go to college. But after doubts, questions, research, applications, visitations, waiting, and some more waiting, I did get into college, a good one actually, and I had a great time, met wonderful friends, and oh yeah, learned a whole bunch. And now I know that life does progress, questions are answered, and hopes can become certainties. At later points in my life, I didn’t know that I would be able to get my A1C below a 7, or that I would get married, or that I would find a good job, but I did and I have. And looking back, I realize that all of those times were also filled with the anxieties too during the process of getting there.

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we just trusted the process to begin with? If we just trust that everything does resolve, answers do surface, and more often than not, situations work out for the best, wouldn’t life be so much happier, less stressful, and more vacation-like? We can use that mind energy toward other things – like being creative, exploring, learning, taking action. The point is that once we trust that life is meant to progress, then we can lead our lives with greater certainty during those challenging times that seem insurmountable. And we can apply those feelings of certainty and knowing every step along the way.

I am not saying that I have mastered trust during uncertain times, not at all. I’m learning. Just as in life, finding certainty during uncertain times is a process. What I have learned though is that I can trust the process because life progresses. And I know this for sure. I’m certain of it.

To delve deeper, click here to read Deepak Chopra’s article entitled, “Learning How to Live with Certainty in Uncertain Times” on Oprah.com. Chopra provides a certainty to-do list on page 2 which I personally enjoyed.